Mastering Self-Regulation: How to Stay Grounded When Triggered

When frustrated in a relationship, it feels like an out-of-body experience.

It feels like nothing else in the world matters, and you are hyper-focused on issues that are in the place where peace should exist.

The moments when emotions boil over and we lose control are when our triggers are activated.

Unfortunately, these moments take us out of frame, and we can lose our composure.

Instead of attacking the issue that caused your frustration, you have to deal with another layer of problems.

I understand how overwhelming these moments can be. Part of you knows you might be overreacting, but the other half feels disrespected.

Do you hold your tongue so the problem doesn’t worsen, or do you let it out and explode at your partner?

Nonetheless, this intro has gone over the spiraling thoughts and feelings that boil down to short moments.

How should we react in these moments to self-regulate and feel inner peace and safety communicating with our partner?

Don’t worry. You are not alone if you feel lost for answers.

The trick is to find your logical mind in these situations and evaluate your perception vs reality to find common ground with your partner and avoid these situations.

A moment of silence

Have you ever led a meeting or presentation, and the nerves took over because you were worried about stumbling over your words?

We get antsy because our nervous system is reacting to the discomfort.

The solution is to take a break and process your words before speaking. It feels awkward.

When we are triggered, it is hard to hit the pause button.

You’re experiencing danger, and your initial action is to attack the issue.

You are either the type to explode or shut down if you don’t know how to regulate in these situations.

The issue is that you are trying to alleviate yourself from the feeling of the trigger instead of focusing on the object of the trigger.

Take a moment to remove yourself from the environment and remove the perceived culprit from your field of view.

You might think, momentarily, that walking away from your partner and returning will have little effect, but it generates more power than you think.

It is difficult to calm yourself down when you are still looking at the perceived cause of the problem.

The first action is to remember the word perceived. We are not playing the blame game and putting the issue on our partner, but it is the first thing that comes to mind.

It is not easy to regain composure and detach the emotion you associate with someone in that moment.

Rewind

I’ve been a part of the scene I am about to describe.

We get into a tiff with our partner, and whether or not we have walked away, we reengage in speaking about the topic that led to the dispute.

You are still experiencing the emotions and feelings of being triggered. It is hard to stay on topic without letting your anger out.

We have to take another pause when we’re in this moment.

Like the example above, separating your attention while focusing on two negative experiences is a task. In this example, your anger and the issue you’re discussing.

Don’t hijack the conversation, but you should ask for a moment to point out the instance that triggered you and is causing momentary frustration.

Again, separate the two problems. We can not respond well to two negative experiences at once.

For example, “I know we are talking about an issue, but it made me feel (an emotion) when this specific thing happened a moment ago.”

You are respecting the conversation by reiterating the main topic while asking for a moment to express yourself.

When you receive a positive response, it will give you a return of safety and comfort moving forward.

Path forward

Don’t worry. I know it sounds like I am speaking from a place of rainbows and roses where you step away, hold your partner’s hand, and everything goes smoothly.

Remember, this process works over time with your partner’s help.

You will not get the help you want when you blame your partner for being the source.

Instead, we have to reverse the process and start with the event, then the emotion, and then we can find an avenue to work with our partner moving forward.

Which sentence would you respond better to?

“ You make me so angry when you’re not on time,” or “When I think my time isn’t valued, it makes me feel like a low priority.

Reframing our sentences accomplishes two goals.

Generally speaking, we are more upset at the feeling of an event than the perceived culprit. You are more angry that you feel low priority than you really are attached to the feeling that your partner was purposely late. Be honest with yourself here.
You will present an issue to your partner that is more digestible without giving them the direct feeling of shame and guilt. I will be on your side. Maybe your partner sucks and is consistently late. When they have a reasonable presentation of the flaw to work with, it will promote a better response.

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Take your time. There is no way to attack this in a day. Taking the time to learn a new process takes months and even years in most cases.

Let’s pave the best path forward.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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