Me Lucky to Have You

Sesame Street’s iconic Cookie Monster said, ”Me lucky to have you.” I’m lucky to have you, too. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me. Just train.

I’m the greater man, the greater person, because of others, because of you. I started out as the frightened 8-year-old, who was scared as hell of Dad. Whatever I did or didn’t do only made him so angry at me. I never knew which. My childhood was my win scenario. I would never be good enough for Dad. I would never be good enough for anyone, especially me. I spent much of my adult life proving that I was strong enough, that I was smart enough, that I was good enough to be loved. The Second Noble Truth of the Buddhism is the source of suffering. Hating on myself was my source of suffering. I got good at that, too.

The Fourth Noble Truth of Buddhism is the path to end suffering. On the path to end suffering, I had my late Mom, the late Mizukami Sensei, Ishibashi Sensei, Lance Miller, and others. When Dad scared me to my soul, Mom said, “Slow down, Jonny.” She reminded me to calm my soul, that things have a way of working out. The late Mizukami Sensei taught me Aikido for 25 years until he passed away. Sensei was the father, who taught me what it is to be a good man, to be of service, and make a difference. He said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” For the first time in my life, I was free to be me. Sensei generated the space to invent the greater-than versions of myself.

The late Mizukami Sensei taught Ishibashi Sensei and me. Now, Ishibashi Sensei is my Sensei, my big brother. Sensei said. “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” He said, “The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger.” The 250-pound man punches to my face. I wait it out. I enter the attack and die with honor. I take a glancing blow if I have to. I’m not always going to get away scot-free. It’s one time. I invite the attack. Don’t oppose it. I match the attack in my attack. If I defend, I can be defeated.

In the center of the attack, in the danger, I choose who I am and what I do. I apply nikkyo (wrist lock) to myself and match the attack in yoko-iriminage (strike to side of the head) to the attacker. I apply Aikido to myself, not to the attacker. The attacker is irrelevant.

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O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s me against me. I choose to the let attacker pass or end the attack. The attacker chooses to take the fall or stand down from their attack. I could win or lose. They could win or lose. We both choose.

I enter the attack, enter what I fear and I let go of my fear inside that I’m not good enough. Although, my fear inside may never completely disappear, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more of my fear inside. I reinvent me. I free me.

I work with my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression, I enter my fear inside that I’ll never be good enough, the fear I got from Dad. I let go my fear inside. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I practice that over, and over, and over, and over again. Just train.

The late Mizukami Sensei said, “The world would be a better place, if everyone trained in Aikido.” That was Sensei’s sincere wish. With all due mad love and respect to Sensei, that wasn’t going to happen. I believe that he knew that, too.

Sensei taught Ishibashi Sensei, me, and other black belts to make the world a better place. We pass on all that we got from Sensei to the next generation of Aikido students so that they are greater than us. In perpetuating Mizukami Sensei’s enduring legacy, Ishibashi Sensei and I make a difference for others. Maybe, we can make the world a better place, too. At least that’s my hope.

With my Editor Li M Blacker, I write about my experiences in Aikido, in therapy, and in life on The Good Men Project. I write about loving and forgiving thine own self in finding one’s path to end suffering. Perhaps in some way, on some scale that makes the world a better place than when I came into it. That’s my profound wish.

I can make a difference for others, only because others have made a difference for me. I’m forever grateful and humbled by them. I pass all that I’ve gotten to others. Give it all away. After all, I can’t take it with me. I keep moving forward. Keep my heart open. My heart is true. Magokoro. Who I am is because of you. Me lucky to have you. Amen.