It is great to have buddies who you can go to a game or a movie with. But how many men seek and develop what I call soul friendships? Friendships where men can authentically share life together and not do life alone.
From personal experience and from speaking to other men, there are not very many who intentionally seek friendships where authenticity, transparency, and vulnerability are demonstrated. A typical man’s journey does not normally include close relationships with other men.
Why do men shy away from these friendships? Why do men not fully engage in developing soul friendships?
I believe it is fear. It is easier to avoid personal discussions and guard your emotions. Sharing with other men is difficult. Most men find it less challenging and far more comfortable to be “the man”. At least that is how I view it.
However, a number of events have led me to view things differently. I realized I have a need for authentic friendships. I would suspect that there are more men out there that would agree with me if they took the time to look inward, search deeper into their hearts and be honest with themselves.
I have discovered that the need and desire for authentic friendship and fellowship is a part of a man’s make up but it is buried deep in men because somehow society sees it as not being manly.
What precipitated this discovery? Where did my journey in finding and developing soul friends begin?
The crucible moment came a few years ago when we decided to sell our home. Fortunately, our home sold quickly. Unfortunately, we had to vacate our home within three weeks resulting in many details having to be taken care in a short period of time. Among the two most pressing was finding an alternate place to live while our new home was being built and of course packing up.
A couple of weeks prior to moving, we got that life interrupted phone call from our son who was attending university away from home. He informed us that he had to go into the hospital as he had a bad flare up of the Crohn’s disease he has been afflicted with for a number of years. It ended up being very serious with major surgery required. My wife and I dropped everything and flew immediately to be with our son. Of course we had not done much packing and still had not found a temporary place to move to.
The surgery was successful but my wife had to stay in with our son for a month while he recovered. I flew home alone and was facing the return to work plus packing and moving.
I remember sitting in the living room alone still worried about my son’s recovery knowing that I had to begin with the packing and finding a place to live. At that point the stress from our son’s surgery, being alone and the stress of work all hit. I felt overwhelmed.
I then received a phone call from a friend checking in. She knew what our family was going through so she kindly asked how things were going and if there was anything that she could do to help. As is typical of many men my initial response was, “Everything is okay, I am fine and all is well.” But what I was really telling her was, “I am a man, I can do this alone and back off. I can handle it.”
I guess she heard the weariness and stress and did not accept my answer. She called me out on my evasiveness and stubbornness. She was emphatic that people were ready to help me with packing. She was insistent and she delivered on her promise. Two nights later ten people arrived at our home with pizza, refreshments, boxes, packing paper, and smiles. Two and one-half hours later our whole house was packed and ready for the move. It was unbelievable. I hardly had to do anything. I served the pizza and drinks. When the group finished, I did not know what to say. I could not believe people would be so generous with their time and wanted to help.
I realized for the first time what close friends do for one another. That selfless acts of kindness and support are not done to gain favour, but they are done because of love and caring. I also realized that selfless acts of service are what soul friends do for one another. Friends that want to help, feel comfortable asking for help and are always there for others. Friendships, where experiencing and doing life together, includes honest sharing, practical serving, sympathetic listening, unselfish giving and caring.
I challenged myself then and now I challenge you to seek this type of friend and be this type of friend to other men. I still struggle with this and revert back to being the buddy. But I am trying to be different and I continue to work on being a soul friend.
Men I have discovered that we need not journey alone. There are other men that inwardly worry and stress about similar stuff as you and I, but outwardly hide their inner selves. I have discovered that if you want to grow spiritually, be healthier emotionally and have stronger relationships with your loved ones and friends, seek soul friendships.
Don’t be a lone ranger. Let your guard down and share who you are. Doing life is easier when you have soul friends you can count on and when you can be a soul friend to someone else.
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