In college, I read one of the first works on imposter syndrome, Peggy McIntosh’s Feeling Like a Fraud. Written from a female lens, which was the one I saw the world through daily, I never thought about men and their susceptibility to imposter syndrome. As I’ve worked with more men in my therapy practice I see that men are hardly immune to those painful feelings of not measuring up. Imposter syndrome refers to chronic feelings of self-doubt, incompetence, and failure, often despite clear success.
For men, imposter syndrome may include comparing themselves with other men and their success and accomplishments, whether financially or as they climb the career ladder. While it looks different for everyone, some of the ways it shows up are: attributing obvious success to luck or other outside factors, setting such high goals that you will always fall short, being unrealistic about your own success or self-sabotage.
Imposter syndrome is something I’ve struggled with as well. My recent bout with imposter syndrome came during my first international speaking gig, and ironically with the critical, judgmental voice of a fellow American.
At this conference, a colleague and I were facilitating a workshop we’d done many times before to pretty universal accolades. This time we had a heckler in the audience. This person criticized an exercise I was facilitating, and in a very public way. It didn’t help that the individual had some clout and a following at the conference. All I wanted to do afterward was hide.
While I’d spent all that time developing expertise in my field, and had stepped into the role of an influencer, I longed for the relative anonymity that comes with hiding. The tale I spun: I was not an expert at all. In fact, I was an imposter, a fraud. And no, it didn’t matter that I was a therapist who knew and understood imposter syndrome.
Many of us have had experiences of not measuring up to someone’s standards, either within the professional world, or early on as children and adolescents. I shared my story with colleagues, seeking comfort from others I trusted. I found this, and others’ encouragement to get back out there with my speaking, to be just what I needed.
Many men, however, carry the burden of imposter syndrome without such sharing or are afraid of expressing these feelings of inadequacy aloud. The antidote to pain, however, is not stoicism. And the good news is that in the same ways we learn imposter syndrome, we can also unlearn it.
Recognizing Imposter Syndrome
If what we’ve talked about so far resonates, you’re already working on it. Recognition is the first step. Ask yourself where it manifests. Are there areas of your life that in which you feel not good enough? A simple way to do that is to spend 5-10 minutes writing a list of your strengths and weaknesses. People with imposter syndrome often have a pretty unbalanced list. Or perhaps you created that list based on feedback from others but found yourself second-guessing your strengths. All of these things could indicate that you’ve got some work ahead reclaiming your confidence.
Assessing Sources of Imposter Syndrome
One of the first steps in unlearning imposter syndrome is to assess where it’s come from. Sometimes sources of imposter syndrome are pretty obvious, and sometimes we have to dig more deeply, looking back at our earlier life experiences. What are those past and present contributory experiences? Were these constructive or destructive in nature? What are the present sources? Have they set their standards too high or based overall self-esteem on success?
Often men, in particular, receive messages that “success” equates with income levels and professional achievement. They may also view how they can contribute to their families primarily as what they are able to offer them financially. Normal career setbacks may be especially difficult.
Questioning the Validity of Imposter Thoughts
After this assessment, it’s important to assess how valid these thoughts are. For example, if you were always told as a kid that you would never be a great athlete, but routinely bike 20 miles a day, that feedback is flawed in some way. It’s ok to simply say “the evidence I’m seeing tells me that childhood message was not accurate.”
On the other hand, if you’ve been given constructive feedback that does have some validity, use it as a learning tool. Know that validity does not diminish expertise but it can make you even better. Learn to incorporate constructive feedback, but look at internal reactions. Consider: Does this thought help me? Or hinder me?
Speaking with trusted colleagues, or even a therapist, about these thoughts, can often provide a sense of balanced awareness – which is often what we need to let go. And a plug for men seeking therapy: it can be very helpful.
Reclaim Your Confidence
Reclaiming confidence following difficult experiences or through examining long-held childhood beliefs can be a challenge. We all have strengths. What are you good at? Think broadly, and not only in the context of your doubts. Look at other feedback you’ve received especially positive feedback from friends, peers, and others.
One tool for claiming for reclaiming your confidence is a brag book, a book of accolades about you. It can include recent accomplishments and successes, positive feedback and, even “thank yous” you’ve received. Keep your book up to date, and refer to it frequently. It can help in those doubting moments.
Mindfulness Practices
Mindfulness practices are also great ways to address that internally judging mind. Mindfulness involves consciously cultivating moment-to-moment awareness of thoughts, feelings and body sensations using a compassionate, non-judgmental framework. When we sense ourselves judging, we can simply tag those thoughts as “judging” and move away from them.
Resolving Imposter Syndrome
I resolved my imposter syndrome using these techniques, and you can too. After being strongly urged to get back on the horse rather than entirely changing the exercise, I began to get some distance. We looked at our workshop and incorporated the feedback we felt was fair and balanced. The next conference was a success, as was the one after that, and so on.
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A version of this article was previously published on She Owns It.
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