What kind of good man are you—one who changes or one who is revealed?
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“Thank you for pushing me to be better.”
“Thank you for not pushing me to change.”
Looking back, these are the two most common types of “thanks” I have received from both the men I have dated and my bros alike. Though these two expressions of gratitude could not be more opposite in nature, I find them equally irresistible for equally selfish reasons.
One makes me feel good about myself because I appear to be inspirational. The other makes me feel good about myself because I appear to be tolerant. What I choose to ignore, however, is that whether those men become better or remain unchanged has little to do with me, but simply depends on who they are.
The “thanks for pushing me” guys welcome change and seek a business partner in me, while the “thanks for not pushing me” ones fear change and seek a validating mother instead.
Some have seen change as a path to salvation; others, as a road to loss. Some have perceived it as a challenge in which they can take pride; others, as a battle that can put them to shame. Some have just been more driven, while others a bit lazy. What all of them have had in common, however, is the mistaken belief that I, or any other woman, have the capacity to actually change them.
Men do not change. Nor do women. We are who we are.
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I am not saying that we are the same the day we die as when we are born. Of course we grow and develop, but we do not and can not change into something that is not us.
Literature insists that our journey is one of self-discovery, not self-creation.
Science agrees, as we can neither create nor destroy matter, but can only discover it instead.
Socrates argues against existence of original thought, but believes only in recollection of existing ideas.
Even fairy tales with unicorns and three-headed monsters are not crazy enough to suggest that a villain can become good, or a hero can be anything but heroic, even if that hero spends half of the story lost in a forest or locked up in some bizarre tower. Christianity is alone in its claim that we can undergo a true transformation (it must hold that position, however, or that pesky original sin will doom everyone to the everlasting fire)—and that is not going to get anyone to church on Sunday.
Though many have called me an “agent of change,” change is never what I trigger. What I trigger is a discovery process. Like an artifact, a “good man” is often hidden beneath the remnants of a fallen life. Like an archeologist, a woman might take on the “project” of excavating him from the rubble. And when I was a little girl, I actually wanted to be an archeologist—like Indiana Jones, or at least like Heinrich Schliemann.
All that I have ever done to any of those guys who have thanked me for one thing or another is reveal them, not change them, and certainly not create them. Perhaps they should have thanked me for digging them up (and one did), but not for bringing them into existence, for they existed long before I even knew their names.
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Screw semantics though. I am grateful for the gratitude no matter how it is granted. But gratitude is not the only sentiment that is appropriate here. I hope all you “good men” take pride in being good, for neither I nor anyone else could ever reveal anything in you that was not there to begin with. Otherwise, as long as there is some healthy combination of gratitude and pride, there has only been one glitch in these archeological projects: independence.
There is nothing wrong with depending on someone. And I would like to think that there is nothing wrong with depending on me. But lacking independence is a dreadful thing. Since the two are literarily antonyms, to both be dependent and not lack independence is a tricky concept to process, and an even trickier thing to accomplish.
Despite greatest intentions, it has been far too easy for men to become dependent to an infantile degree. Unfortunately, without self-reliance, our minds begin to fade. And since I am not terribly warm and fuzzy when it comes to stupidity, I tend to bluntly point out every dumb thing that derails the day.
Business partners, right? Honesty is the best policy?
The easiest solution to this has been to simply pull apart and build some barriers, boundaries, and bullshit. Unfortunately, though that preserves the mind, it inevitably deteriorates the heart. To have both, the Scarecrow and the Tin Woodman, we need to strike a balance. We must depend on our loved ones no more and no less than we depend on ourselves. Yes, easier said than done, but certainly worth the effort if you hope to find your Cowardly Lion and make it down your yellow brick road.
Or at least if you hope to have a healthy and happy relationship with that business partner of yours.
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But let us not forget the “thanks for not pushing me” guys—the ones who rather implode than become someone’s “project,” and, in my experience, tend to be pretty independent and pretty sharp.
But an independent Scarecrow would have never made it to Oz. Hell, he would not have even gotten off his pole in the middle of some empty field. There is a reason that little girl from Kansas found her three companions when she did. We need our brain, our heart, and then our courage to get to where we want to be. Independence gives us the brain, but dependence is the keeper of our hearts. And our courage…that’s the toughest one.
The guys who just want me to accept them as they are, all seemed to lack courage. Fear of change, fear of loss, fear of failure. Some fear or another keeps them from looking inward and from letting me turn them inside out. But their fears are as silly as the Cowardly Lion’s. I could not change them into something they are not even if I wanted to for some crazy reason.
Even if I were to somehow morph one of them into an entirely different man, that artificial shape would not hold long. And at the end of that unfortunate project, he would still learn a few new things about himself by seeing what he is not.
Neglect yourself by becoming too dependent? Yes. But not lose. And if you fail at being someone you are not, then that is like failing at being a liar, which sounds more like success than failure to me. So no change, no loss, no failure. Nothing to fear.
My dear good men, if you are a bit of a project, hold on to your independence, but ditch your fears because your girl’s beautiful smile might just help you reveal yourself to your most important audience: you.
And once you have you, you might just uncover the woman behind that beautiful smile.
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Photo: Unsplash
And thank you for sharing this!
So basically this article encourages men to change w/o really changing an oxymoron if I’ve heard one. How about accept people for who they are and not try to change them at all. Its their life worry about your own.
“All that I have ever done to any of those guys who have thanked me for one thing or another is reveal them, not change them, and certainly not create them.” Great stuff. Everyone can grow if one leads by example, and there are a great many men that need such, but there are far more that don’t, that can, in fact, teach women the same…and that is where our folly lies. These men that resisted may not be fearful, or unaware, and not at all broken, but just different, their own men, and quite frankly, able to teach women… Read more »
Oh yeah. Almost forgot. Good talk, but I’m behind now. I have a sink full of dishes, dirty floors, and a mountain of laundry that is not going to do itself…