Men — Want Us to Swipe Right? This Woman’s Perspective

Women — read on, some of this applies to you too!

I am writing this because I care; also, because I have swiped left with an eye-roll to a mind-numbing degree on dating apps, seeing the same turn-offs over and over. Are any of these tips going to inspire more matches or dates? I do not know; I am sharing my thoughts in the hopes that possibly it will help you find your person, or at least understand where the humans on the other side of the conversation are coming from.

First off, who am I and why should you even read this?

I am a single woman in her mid-50s — a creative type and mother. I have had both a healthy long-term relationship, and a toxic one. Courtesy of dating apps (I particularly like OKCupid) I have experienced a lovely 2-year relationship as well as many adventures and misadventures, of various durations and flavours. I have also developed some friendships and creative collaborations (where the dating did not pan out) that continue to this day. I actually enjoy the online dating experience for the most part. It allows me to “meet” men from literally around the world. It is more than a little fascinating to me and has helped me to really think about what I need and want in a relationship (and the difference between those two things).

This (hopefully helpful) article is for those of you who are genuinely looking for meaningful connection, speaking as a person looking for the same. Because in discussing this with friends and experiencing it first-hand — I believe some of you might appreciate some insider information and perspective.

Be Real

I am not interested in anyone who presents false information as part of their first impression — this applies to name, age, photos, intentions, and everything else. Are you?

Profile User Name

For goodness’ sake, use your real first name. I see no reasonable excuse not to. While it might seem charming to call yourself “I’m For You”, or “Sunset Lover”, etc… speaking for myself — huge turn-off. If you manage to get a swipe right despite this, and start a conversation, your actual name should be in the very first message, along with any other “corrections” to your profile.

Here’s where you say, “but I spoke with this psycho lady”…blah, blah. If you have any issues, block and report them. Do it often and without mercy. All the apps should have this function. And besides, you are preaching to the choir; I guarantee every female match you’ve spoken to has experienced this way more times than you. If you were to strike up a conversation with a stranger in the “real world” and introduce yourself, would you give a phoney name? What is the difference here?

Age

Put your true age and be proud of it. It does matter to some of us, in a relevant way. Age relates to life experiences, wisdom and also, fun stuff, like what cartoons you enjoyed as a kid, or whether the internet was even a thing. The younger demographic will connect in a way I can offer no wisdom on, but it is meaningful with a different culture of relatability.

As part of your audience, be aware that I chose my dating age range according to my preference; respect it. If you are in your 20s and looking for a mature woman, fine — be clear and upfront. I expect there are plenty of options for you. Do not indicate that you are 40 so that you come up in more searches. Guess what? If a woman sets her preferences for between X and Y years of age, it is because that is what she is looking for. Trying to tempt/convince her otherwise is completely uncool and, frankly, offensive.

Height

As for height, 90% of you are 10cm (about 3in) shorter in person. Please stop doing that, it’s weird. If we like you enough to meet you, we do not care. If we do care, and you fall outside our height parameters, do you really want to waste your time?

Photos

Your primary photo should be recent and enjoyable to look at — something you would not be ashamed of your mother or child (as applicable) seeing. The rest of the photos — there needs to be more than one — can be as fun as you want. Reveal various interests (emphasis on variety). Show photos with genuine smiles, and not just selfies taken in the mirror. Please do not post any shirtless ones taken in the washroom mirror. Please. Do not.

All of your photos ideally reflect you, your passions, and your reality. As it turns out, many of you seem to be avid fishermen, and body builders! Who knew?

If you are an older gentleman, do not be shy about posting a recent photo. By all means, put one from back-in-the-day but, personally, I also wish to see who’ll I’ll be looking at first thing in the morning with my wayward hairdo and wrinkles. Photos should be no more than three years old in my opinion. Couple an old photo with a lower-than-actual age on your profile and that first visual meeting is going to be alarming and not the first impression you are hoping for.

Confidence and acceptance of who you are, and how you look is way sexier than pretending you are something you are not.

Thankfully men are not using filters on their photos to the extent women do online— I feel your pain on that score. For the women reading this, stop doing that. You do not look younger or hotter; you look deranged.

Languages

I live in Europe and am dating internationally, meaning I am presented profiles of people that speak any number of languages. If you do list English as one of those you have fluency in, kindly create content in English as well as your native language…because unless your profile is mind blowingly awesome, the viewers are probably going left without taking the time to filter it through a translation app. Same applies for additional languages — translate the text for us.

Just put a note at the top that “English follows”, “le français suit” etc…

Profile content

And last, but not least, profile content. Create yours with intention and invest some time and thought on it — I implore you. I have actually messaged men with great profiles that I do not necessarily connect with, just to tell them I appreciate that they wrote a good profile…that is how many lousy ones are out there.

I get it, many of you have been burned or hurt in the past, whether online or in-person. Dating and putting yourself out there can be draining and frustrating. But writing a list of all the things you dislike in a partner is not the way to go. The odd deal-breaker is fine; i.e., you are not compatible with a smoker, pet-owner (allergic), whatever. Focus on the positive and reveal what you enjoy about a potential match. Skip the sarcasm and cynicism, if you please.

Write about who you are, what you do or think about. Let us know what you connect with. What are your biggest dreams? How do you spend your time? Any quirky collections?

One nugget of empty content I have seen many times over, is: “I am hoping to find someone with shared interests”, but then the profile doesn’t share what their interests are. Be specific.

When do I swipe left without even looking ?— Personal (and not comprehensive) list, but gives you an idea:

There is only one photo of you, and it is of poor quality (blurry, pixelated, sideways)
Photo is of someone or something else (celebrity, pet, sunset, flowers), or your face is not fully shown
All your photos are of you with your vehicle(s), or flexing your biceps
Your profile starts with “I’m just a regular/simple guy”, “I am not good at this”, “I will reveal when we match”, or “I cannot see likes, send me a message” (consider paying the monthly fee, if your search is something worth investing in)
You are outside my preferred age-range

So there you have my unsolicited advice.

I acknowledge it is from the perspective of a heterosexual-female, viewing profiles related to my preferences and will not apply universally, but perhaps you will find some wisdom in it.

Regardless, I wish you success in your journey to find your person.

I intend to write more articles on the subject of online dating. If there are particular areas of interest you would like to read about, please comment below.

Talk soon,

Karen

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***