The so-called ‘men’s rights movement’ (MR) in the U.K. seems to espouse a set of values and attitudes which reveal a deep-seated hatred and fear of women. Who are the men who identify with this negative stuff? And how did they get to have these distorted feelings and ideas?
As a ‘feminist man’, that is to say (according to my definition) a man who believes in equal rights for men and women, I try to be as clear and as public as I can in distancing myself from the misogyny that MR seems to stand for. But I try to avoid having an angry response to these fearful and possibly damaged men, because dismissive language may make them feel under attack, with more need to act out what seems to them like a justifiable level of anger or aggression in response. Strengthening what seems to be their sense of beleaguered entitlement and their need to ‘fight back’.
I try to have a level of compassion for any MR man I encounter, combined with clarity about what is or isn’t acceptable to me in terms of attitudes and actions towards women, and an explanation of why—in terms that they can hopefully recognise and understand
I suspect that it’s by dehumanising women that some MR men are able to refer to them or treat them in an abusive or demeaning way—either as a kind of defence, or a projection of fear. I’ve found that one way to defuse their distorted attitudes is to ask those men to imagine how they would feel if their sister/mother/friend were confronted with a predatory or violent male. Or for them to hear directly from a woman who’s been abused or attacked, in the hope that this might give them an understanding of, and empathy for the vulnerability that women feel when they perceive male violence as ever-present and close to surface – the day-to-day experience of many women in our society.
Many MR men seem comfortable in the role of ‘victim’. Seeing women as ‘the enemy’ is an excuse for them not to have to leave the safe familiarity of their passivity and a justification for their habitual antagonism. But as adults know, when life isn’t the way we want it to be, or think it ‘should’ be, blaming anyone or anything outside is disempowering ourselves. It assumes it’s out of our hands to change things. Once we realise that the capacity to make a difference lies in our own hands, and is not dependent on what other people say or do, or what ‘happens’, we begin to take control of our lives and to choose the kinds of experiences we want. This is being a grown up.
There’s a feeling of helplessness at the root of the anger and resentment expressed by MR men, who seem stuck rehearsing their grievances against women, rather than actively working to change how sexism and violence impact all of us. Such men are obstacles to progress towards gender equality, but hopefully they will at some point be able to move forward. In the meantime, it’s important for those of us that want to work towards a fairer world not be distracted by their limited vision. To advance the basic demand of ‘equal rights for all’ – which is in everyone’s best interests—men and women need to work together from a place of inclusion and partnership
Each of us as men can encourage that process by insisting on being true to, and expressing, our full range of feelings, about ourselves and about the women in our lives—without worrying if other men will try to shame us; and understanding that if they do, it is rooted in their own fear and envy. If we insist on the right to be our true selves, we can be role models for other men to escape the constraints of the ‘man box’, or have any need to ‘prove’ themselves by demeaning women.
Men who become women’s allies in working for a world where everyone has the right to feel safe, and live in a way that’s true to their beliefs and values (as long as it doesn’t cause harm to anyone else) are likely to attract appreciation and respect. Surely that kind of ‘win-win’ would be appealing even to MR members, if they are able to open themselves up to it.
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Yeah, I’m kind of in between here. I share Danny’s confusion, to some extent. When I first began delving into gender equality issues on TGMP, I soon came across this characterization of men’s rights activists (MRA’s) as a bad thing. This took me by surprise, coming from a progressive men’s advocacy site. Shouldn’t that be a large part of what TGMP is about: men’s rights? While feminism has spoken for women’s concerns for decades upon decades, the concerns of men have been largely ignored. OK, so I soon learned that MRA’s were apparently code for angry, women-hating men who wanted… Read more »
As an MRA sympathizer (Im in the US rather than UK mind you) I’m curious about a few things. The so-called ‘men’s rights movement’ (MR) in the U.K. seems to espouse a set of values and attitudes which reveal a deep-seated hatred and fear of women. What values and attitudes do you mean? Exactly which MRAs have you been in contact with? I ask because while I have come across some that have sentiments like what you describe I’m wondering if you aren’t seeing the entire picture. But I try to avoid having an angry response to these fearful and… Read more »