Envy is a Deadly Sin: Deadly to your self-confidence and well-being
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My son is in high school. He’s in grade 10 and it’s Hunting Season.
Envy can eat away at your confidence, your happiness and your well being. It may be one of the deadly sins, but you don’t have to go to confession to change it.
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You remember it well: social dynamics, testosterone and unbridled awkwardness. Almost daily he comes home with tales of teenage drama, primarily caused by envy.
Even though I have been out of high school for 30 years, I still have feelings of envy.
Menvy: When men feel envy
I am not proud to admit it, but I feel it. Some men say they are just being competitive. Nope. They are victims of Menvy, the grown up version of envy. Less external drama, but internally it can still create turmoil.
On Facebook, I see people who seem more happy, more fit, more successful/rich, more young looking, more insightful, more assertive, more effective as parents and/or all of the above.
I can study a photo and quickly size up a person’s fitness level, their happiness and their success. Yep, they beat me every time. I get all of this from a damned photo? Yup, and you do the same thing. Turns out we are not that far from our high school days.
Menvy and Your Well Being
This hits me right in the iPhone. My practice over the last few years has been to update my status as soon as I wake up. According to researchers, that one habit can degrade our mental health.
“Social media participation has been linked to depression, anxiety and narcissistic behaviour, but the reasons haven’t been well-explained” Izak Benbasat
I will add this one to my daily to do list: check my iPhone after I say three thank you’s and read for 10 minutes.
Not only can it impact mental health, but envy can also:
- Impact our physical health. Envy is linked to an increased risk of infection, cardiovascular disease and cancer, along with depression, anxiety and insomnia.
- Undermine our sense of confidence and happiness, because we conclude that we just don’t stack up. The underside of jealousy is that it undercuts our self confidence and even our identity.
- Isolate us from potential support, because we measure ourselves against other people. Envy can even cause damage to close relationships.
- Motivate consumerism and the never ending need to buy more stuff.
- Cause political battles with other companies, political parties, states or countries. It can twist our thinking so that we forget our successes and nurture a victim attitude.
- Fuel a delight in the misfortune of others, like celebrities and political leaders.
- Limit our insight and our honesty. Interestingly, envy comes from the Latin word that means “Non sight.” Envy can leave you blind.
Envy may be one of the seven deadly sins, but can it have a positive effect? It can spur you and I to work harder on self development and to produce better work. Too much envy will lead to dissatisfaction and ungratefulness.
“Jealousy is such a direct attack on whatever measure of confidence you’ve been able to muster.” Ann Lamott (For more about writer’s envy, see Bird by Bird p. 122-130).
The 7 Deadly Steps to lift your Menvy
Envy can eat away at your confidence, your happiness and your well being. It may be one of the deadly sins, but you don’t have to go to confession to change it.
- Allow yourself to feel it. Don’t stuff it, just admit to yourself that you are feeling envious. Stuffing can lead to self-loathing, which can impact your self-confidence.
- Find a friend that you can be honest with. Honesty can break the shame that keeps you down.
- Reframe it. Remind yourself that the other person has had different opportunities and your job is to make the most of what you have, to be your best self. Yeah, I know that is a coachy thing to say, but it works.
- Turn your emotions into fuel. Envy is a gift because it has something to say to you. You have to ignore the green eyed gremlin. Instead, listen to your heart, to your dreams and ambitions. It is hard to dream when you have been knocked down, but targeting another person with negative emotions won’t get you anywhere. Your dreams are important and they deserve your full attention.
- Get to know the person who is the target of your envy. Envy, jealousy, annoyance and judgement are ugly. They thrive when we live off our assumptions. If you or I can talk to the person we envy and find out their real struggles, it can take the blinders off and give us a different perspective.
- Make a small change. Habits can be difficult to break. You may not be able to stop feeling envy, but you can build an alternative habit. End each day by making an “I did” list of things that you have actually done. This will get you to focus on what you are actually doing, and your strengths and passions.
- Recover your sense of humor. Sometimes we get too serious about success. Humor is one of the many things that are unique about you. What else can you think of?
“It might also help to think harder about some of those old-fashioned virtues that don’t count for much in our lean, goal-oriented, high-efficiency society – things such as charity, patience, kindness, humility. So what if your waist is flabby? The world doesn’t care. The world needs good people, not toned ones.” Margaret Wente
Men, do you have Menvy or does it have you?
Join a community of men who are striving to be the best we can be. Yeah, we can be envious. But we are honest, we work on our stuff and we care about having the conversation that no one else is having.
Keep it Real
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Photos by Daniel Crookston, Gabriel S. Delgado C.
Yep, I was under the false impression that hard work, company loyalty, years of experience, two degrees, a career in the military, a foreign language mastery, millions in sales revenue were worth more than six seconds of ADHD ogling by an intern in HR. I was guilty of menvying a job that mattered, that made a difference that was useful.
I have recovered from that fallacy
Boris, Thanks for your reply. Envy hurts us in so many different ways. Your story tells that story. Sorry you had to go through it. Did you learn something from it?