#MeToo, and We Love You

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We each have a long catalog of harassment and assault because we were born women. The scale is mind-numbing. It is our normal.

And I want to recognize all of the men who have been a positive force in my life.

My friends, you have loved me, listened to my stories, held me while I cried, let me see your pain, and seen my value even when I didn’t. I wouldn’t be who I am, or who I will be, without you. Thank you.

To all the men out there trying to do better and be better, Thank you.

My colleagues, you have made me laugh, taught me stuff, allowed yourselves to learn from me, and become my friends. Thank you.

Men I don’t even know: Those nights at 2 am in college on the NYC subway platform when I was the only woman, that night of Mardi Gras when I had no place to stay and you took me in, there were so many times in my life that you didn’t exercise your power over me when you could have. To some this will sounds apologist (“Yay, you didn’t rape me, well done!”), but I’m thanking you anyway, for not taking advantage of my vulnerability when you could have.

To all the men out there trying to do better and be better, Thank you. We know that you want to be decent human beings worthy of love, just like we do.

Can I ask a little more of you? It’s not just for me, I promise. If things improve for women, you might not have to be the strong, silent provider-type all the time. That sounds really stressful. Help us be more equal partners and share your burden.

Can you learn more about how people and institutions shame us, silence us, hurt us, and speak up for us when you see it happening?

I know it’s hard because you’ve got your own problems. We expect you to listen to us and understand our feelings when you’re not allowed to understand or express your own feelings. It seems kind of unfair.

But here’s the ask: Can you learn more about how people and institutions shame us, silence us, hurt us, and speak up for us when you see it happening?

I’m talking to you, the four men in my legal department who got invited to lunch every week by our (male) boss while I, the lone female lawyer, sat in my office. I could tell by the look in your eyes as you walked by me that you knew it was wrong, and it pained you. Maybe you felt powerless too. But you weren’t. We are all more powerful than we can imagine in these small moments. You could have invited me along, but you didn’t. You didn’t even come to me afterward to commiserate and tell me that you saw what I saw. I would have felt less hurt, less alone.

I’m talking to you, the friend of the guy who came into my room really drunk when I was 12 and my father would invite his buddies home from the bar, but didn’t show up himself for another hour. You could have easily distracted him, instead of leaving me to be fondled and devise an escape strategy when he went to the bathroom.

(and so on…)

When we start looking out for each other and speaking up, others will start understanding that what was once ok is no longer ok.

So here’s the ask, again: even when you’re not doing the bad thing (and sometimes you will because sometimes we all do), I’m asking you to be part of the solution.

When we start looking out for each other and speaking up, others will start understanding that what was once ok is no longer ok.

All of you as men have participated in stories of harassment and assault, either by your action or inaction.

And we love you, want you, need you.

I hold space in my heart for all of these things to be true.

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A version of this post was originally published on Medium.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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