What would you do if a lion just walked into the room you’re in? You might freeze, knowing that there’s no escape. If you were in the wilderness, you would see all the other creatures flee immediately. I think I’m one of many men that had this effect on people, especially women, in my younger days. If you’re one of those men, you probably found it as frustrating as I did. I spent hour upon years believing that I was some kind of a monster. No matter what I did, I couldn’t seem to not trouble the waters wherever I went. It took me a long time to learn to bring peace into a room. It came after a realization I had about the way women see men. I want to share that realization with you.
People don’t see you the way you see yourself. Seems obvious, right? But it actually takes skill to see and work with the way others see you. Women are taught this skill, but many men are not. As a young man, I was taught to project an image of myself as tough and implacable. I was taught to make it clear to others that I can and will do anything I want and that no one can stop me. Walk fast. Glare right into people’s eyes. Throw things around when you work– hit the nail once and hit it hard. Be like this in everything you do. This is supposed to inspire respect in other men and admiration in women.
When I was younger, I could never understand why this made women so uneasy around me. It’s more accurate to say that I didn’t see that it was precisely this attitude that made women uneasy around me. That confusion came from a disconnect between the way I saw myself and the way women saw me.
Just as I was taught to be aggressive, I was taught that I should respect, serve, and protect the women around me. While that sounds great, it’s only an idea in my mind. It doesn’t show in my actions. Women who don’t know me don’t know that I have that attitude towards them. All they see is a man charging around doing whatever he wants with no regard for anyone else. They see me as just another potential abuser.
It never occured to me that anyone would see me as a potential abuser because I had no intention of abusing anyone. More importantly, I had no idea how much abuse was actually going on.
Having seen the statistics and heard the stories that show that most women spend half of their energy avoiding rape, I understand something. It’s my responsibility to prove to a woman that I’m not going to hurt her. In other words, when I first meet a woman, I shouldn’t expect her to trust me. Enough experiences have taught her that every man is potentially dangerous. It would be extremely arrogant to expect her to see me as a “good man,” the way I see myself.
Not only that, but if I have any compassion, if I want to limit the emotional harm that I cause others, it’s my responsibility to not scare women. I realize that any woman I meet might have been through horribly traumatic experiences at the hands of men. That might cause her to react fearfully to me. Rather than taking it personally, I can try to understand why she’s reacting that way. Once I have a little bit of understanding, I can start to show some care. What does care look like?
Slow down. No sudden or forceful movements. Don’t look at someone for more than a second unless you’re talking with them. Speak softly. Be aware of how close you are to people, and how comfortable they are with that proximity. You’re not invincible. People and things will not just magically move out of the way as you barrell towards them. If you break something, or hurt someone, or scare someone, you can’t take it back. So be careful.
One way to carry yourself so that you don’t disturb people is to imagine there are birds at your feet. You don’t want to scare the birds away, right? So you just slow down and step carefully so that you don’t scare the birds. Those birds are the unimaginable traumas and anxieties that live in everyone around you. You can’t see them. They usually don’t show until you trigger them. It’s really best to err on the side of caution because, as someone wise once said:
People will forget what you say. People will forget what you do, but they will never forget the way you made them feel.
If you’re like me, you’ve probably struggled with rejection and loneliness. It’s not fair, is it? You’re minding your own business, moving the way that’s become natural for you, and people look at you like you’re Thanos. No matter what you say or do to show people that you’re safe, they flee or look at you sideways. I’ve been there man. It’s really frustrating. No matter what you do, some women are going to be intimidated by you. That’s not your fault. It’s the result of the experiences they’ve had with men in the past. You’ve got to just forgive her for not seeing past her fears to the real you. The best you can do is be understanding and give her space.
Knowing where this stuff comes from can really help a guy not take things personally. It’s really not personal. It literally has nothing to do with you. When a woman is scared of you for no reason you can see, it’s because the reason is in her mind. That doesn’t mean that her fears are invalid. On the contrary. It means that we as men in her community have the opportunity to put her at ease by simply leaving her alone while she heals.
Peace be with you man! Stay positive!
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You may also like by Michael Jones:
Smokescreens
Zeal
Gaslighting: How Narcissists Manipulate Your Thoughts
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I love this. This is perfect timing. I’ve been struggling recently conflicted with the feeling that I don’t feel safe around men right now. There seems to me varying degrees of outrage and volatility. This violent protest men are engaging in because they feel everyone is somehow saying they can’t be them or masculine. Part of it has been my online experiences with sexual harassment. In any case my experiences lately with men have not been positive. Thank you for such a thoughtful considerate well needed article. It gives me hope . This is what men need to get.