—
Microaggressions are those subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) things we do to distance ourselves from minorities, be they someone from another race, or culture, LGBT people, etc. The term “microaggression” was coined by psychiatrist and Harvard University professor Chester M. Pierce in 1970 to describe insults and dismissals he regularly witnessed non-black Americans inflict on African Americans[1]. Most people are well-intended and do not mean to be offensive at all—but they are.
Some of these include:
“What are you?” (to a biracial person)
“You don’t act like a black person.”
“I am colorblind.”
“Why do you sound white?”
“Is that really your hair?”
“Are you the first in your family to go to college?”
Today the term ‘microaggression’ is also being used to describe insults and dismissals of women and LGBT people. Kevin Nadal does a great job describing microaggressions against LGBT individuals in his book, That’s So Gay: Microaggressions and the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community[2].
Some microaggressions against LGBT people include:
“I’m not being homophobic; you’re being too sensitive.”
“Have you ever had real sex?”
“So, who’s the man in the relationship?”
“That’s totally cool with me as long as I can watch.”
“You are so Jack on ‘Will and Grace’ or Cam on ‘Modern Family.’”
“I would never date a bisexual man he can’t commit or make up his mind”
“What’s going on down there” (To a Transgender person)
Some verbal microaggressions I’ve heard against women are:
“I wouldn’t work for a woman.”
“If you dress like a slut, you’re asking for it.”
“She thinks like a man.” (intended complement)
“You’re being too emotional. You need to look at this logically.”
“I’m impressed that a woman could do that.”
“Why don’t you just get back in the kitchen.” (supposed joke)
◊♦◊
Misandry
I have been noticing more and more microaggressions toward men, but suprisingly, I’ve found, surprisingly, little discussion of this trend. There is a word most people have never heard of: Misandry, meaning hatred of men. It corresponds to misogyny, hatred of women. By noticing microaggressions directed against men, we can uncover a lot of ‘hidden’ misandry. Here are some examples I’ve come across:
“Men only think with their dicks.”
“A man wouldn’t understand.”
“Men just want a hole to put it in.”
“Men can’t hear the word no.” (when rejected sexually)
“Men are obsessed with lesbian porn.”
“Really? You don’t like sports?”
“He’s, you know, ‘artistic.’”
“Be a man.”
“Men are womanizers, man-whores, man-sluts”
I’ve even heard women say things like, “Balls are gross. I hate them.” If a woman overheard men talking about vaginas being dirty and disgusting, she’d surely think this was misogyny and microaggression, but why not the other way around? Many otherwise enlightened people seem to think that putting a man down by shaming him for the transgressions of a few criminal men or for his inadequate physicality is a sort of privilege or entitlement. They are not even aware of their misandry.
◊♦◊
Patriarchy
Mostly we know that men, especially heterosexual white men, have a privileged status in our society, that they are mostly blind to their privilege, and that we live in a patriarchal world. But let’s look at our assumptions for a moment. What does it mean, for instance, when we tell someone to “man up” or “toughen up?”
We often think of patriarchy as hurting women, but we don’t talk about how it also hurts men. Patriarchy includes a rigid standard of looks and behavior, and men who fail to follow the standard are tormented ruthlessly. Conforming men may be ‘blind to their privilege,’ but nerds and sissies are fair targets for contempt. A man who dares not be ‘manly’ is scorned by women as well as men. Those “crybabies” deserve what they get.
In his book, I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression [3] author and psychotherapist Terrence Real says, “Boys and men are granted privilege and special status, but only on the condition that they turn their backs on vulnerability and connection to join in the fray. Those who resist, like unconventional men or gay or bisexual men, are punished for it.” I completely agree with him.
◊♦◊
The language of hate and love
The old adage, “Sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but words can never hurt me,” is wrong. Words can and do wound. They perpetuate ‘norms’ that give rise to bigotry, misogyny, misandry, racism, homophobia, and more. Given how “manliness” is enforced by both men and women, is it any wonder that men have become ‘fair targets’ for a running commentary of contempt?
Even the absence of online discussions of microaggressions against men is itself a microaggression because the absence renders the problem invisible. Some discussions of microaggressions toward women and minorities even say that since men are privileged they can’t experience microaggressions. But many men are not privileged. These men have been rendered invisible and at the same time marked as fair game.
It pathologizes men when we assume something is wrong with a guy who doesn’t like sports, isn’t “tall, dark, and handsome,” or otherwise, doesn’t fit a ‘manly’ stereotype. It also pathologizes men when we assume the worst transgressions of a few are characteristics of all. It doesn’t help women (or blacks or LGBT individuals) to engage in the sport of putting down men. We might begin by extending to men our sensitivity about the harm done by microaggressions. It could open the door to compassion and help us build a more humane world.
◊♦◊
References:
[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microaggression_theory
[2] Nadal, Kevin. 2013. That’s So Gay: Microaggressions and the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Community.
[3] Real, Terrence, 1998. I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression.
—
RSVP for Weekly Calls on The Disposability of Men
—
Join The Good Men Project Community.
“Here’s the thing about The Good Men Project. We are trying to create big, sweeping, societal changes—–overturn stereotypes, eliminate racism, sexism, homophobia, be a positive force for good for things like education reform and the environment. And we’re also giving individuals the tools they need to make individual change—-with their own relationships, with the way they parent, with their ability to be more conscious, more mindful, and more insightful. For some people, that could get overwhelming. But for those of us here at The Good Men Project, it is not overwhelming. It is simply something we do—–every day. We do it with teamwork, with compassion, with an understanding of systems and how they work, and with shared insights from a diversity of viewpoints.” —– Lisa Hickey, Publisher of The Good Men Project and CEO of Good Men Media Inc.
The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many of our new Social Interest Groups, calls about life in the 21t century, and classes (writing, platform building, leadership, social change) as you want for the entire year. The $20 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $5, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission.
Register New Account
*Payment is by PayPal.
Please note: If you are already a writer/contributor at The Good Men Project, log in here before registering. (Request new password if needed).
◊♦◊
ANNUAL PLATINUM membership ($50 per year) includes:
1. AN ALL ACCESS PASS — Join ANY and ALL of our weekly calls, Social Interest Groups, classes, workshops and private Facebook groups. We have at least one group phone call or online class every day of the week.
2. See the website with no ads when logged in!
3. PLATINUM MEMBER commenting badge and listing on our “Friends of The Good Men Project” page.
***
ANNUAL GOLD membership ($20 per year) includes all the benefits above — but only ONE Weekly Social Interest Group and ONE class.
***
ANNUAL BRONZE membership ($5 per year) is great if you are not ready to join the full conversation but want to support our mission anyway. You’ll still get a BRONZE commenting badge, a listing on our Friends page, and you can pop into any of our weekly Friday Calls with the Publisher when you have time. This is for people who believe—like we do—that this conversation about men and changing roles and goodness in the 21st century is one of the most important conversations you can have today.
♦◊♦
We have calls about these topics 7 days a week! Join us by becoming a Platinum or Gold member. (Click on the graphic for more information about the calls and to RSVP for them.)
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
◊♦◊
—
This post was originally published on Psychology Today and is republished here with the author’s permission.
—
More by Dr. Joe Kort here on GMP:
The Misleading ‘Sexual Addiction’ Label
Wrong labels make for poor therapy.
The Top Ten Myths About Men’s Sexuality
Dr. Joe Kort wants us to challenge gender bias and stop shaming men about sex.
—
—
Photo credit: Pixabay
I don’t want to write a long diatribe about women’s role in shaping society in history that point out patriarchy was forwarded many times with hidden matriarchies. Could someone dive into these topics: monkey branching, women working in private/social sectors, how ruling women ruled thru dividing redistributed power, the dark truth of women’s use of chivalrous men or the Red Pill of gynocentrism.
Joe, Good article. We definitely need more discussion about micro-aggression and misandry. It helps to put it in the context where we were blind to it with some groups, but now begin to recognize it. We’ve come a long way in recognizing the way women, gays, and other minorities, have faced aggression, but need to do more in helping us see how it is for men. Even using the word “patriarchy,” I believe is a type of micro-aggression. What we’re facing is a “dominator” culture that harms everyone, some more than others. For too long the “men’s movement” and the… Read more »
I have been noticing more and more microaggressions toward men, but suprisingly, I’ve found, surprisingly, little discussion of this trend.
That’s probably because of the spaces you participate and watch.
Misandry has been a hot topic of discussion outside of feminist/progressive/etc… spaces for a quite some time. Its just that feminist/progressive/etc… spaces tend to reframe the microagressions towards men as being collateral damage of the oppression of women.
Its real easy to miss sexism against men when you start with a definition of sexism that specifically denies its existence.
I almost laughed at this part, “I been noticing more and more microaggressions toward men, but I’ve found surprisingly little discussion of this trend. ” Here is a trend I’ve been noticing. As issues that affect men get discussed more often most discussions seem to start with acting like the mistreatment or behavior is a brand new phenomenon. The microaggressions against men that you list have been going on for ages. What you think the idea that men “think with their dicks” just started a few years ago? Some discussions of microaggressions toward women and minorities even say that since… Read more »
Im all for bringing injustices into view for the sake of spreading awareness within the general population. I do also believe there is something in every human that wants to be a victim; we want someone to complain to about our hardships or the very real discrimination we have faced, we want others to empathize with our suffering… However, its time for us all to transcend being a victim, its not serving us. Regardless of your race, sex, or sexual preferences its the individual who is ultimately responsible for healing the wounds which begin to accumulate from the moment of… Read more »
Yet, I’ll only see a response like this on articles discussing issues affecting men. I guess telling women to “women up” isn’t very popular.
I feel victimized by that! I’m kidding. it was just there so I took the shot. But john Andersonis correct here. We’ve been telling men to “suck it up” while everyone else gets to play the vcitim card for far too long, allowing them to paint us as “priveleged” because it grants a better target on our backs. Refreshing to see a guy taking that to task. in fact, the only thing I take exception to is the following: “Mostly we know that men, especially heterosexual white men, have privileged status in our society, that they are mostly blind to… Read more »
Men ARE victims and have been for some time. So we should now stop the “victim thing” now? We have to get the facts out in the open that men are and have been victims so that we can address what’s happen(ing). It’s when we falsely paint a victim situation that we run into trouble. We have yet got to a point where society as a whole recognize men as being victims in any way shape or form. In fact we’re going in a different direction and propagating the the opposite. As feminism misrepresented men as a whole in the… Read more »
Joe, Nice to see your excellent article here. I’ve got a theory about this kind of hatred. I believe it started back when we began to see the Earth as something to be used, rather than recognizing that all of us are part of the world. As we treated the Earth as a thing to be used, as an I-It, rather than an I-Thou, we began to see ourselves as separate, disconnected. What we did to the Earth we did to ourselves. We began seeing ourselves as little “it’s,” rather than seeing ourselves in our wholeness. In order to heal… Read more »
Given all that men have done to women over the past few millennia – reducing them to property, not allowing them control over their own bodies, giving them no voice in government, and writing their inferiority into law and religion – don’t be surprised that some of them hate men.
Well, misandry is a blame game nestled lightly in a bed of hatred. It’s usually very one sided, drawing only on the negative experiences of women while ignoring the suffering of the average man (not a king and not in congress) through the years. It tends to re-write both reality and history, and when not doing a complete re-write, alters the perception of such (see “rule of thumb” as an expression of violence against women) so as to fit it into the anger machine, thus justifying the misandry by claiming victim (most oppressors rise to power by claiming victim-hood, and… Read more »
Hi Arakiba, There is not a whole lot one could say that DJ has not covered below. One comment I think you should consider is about your very first line. “Given all that men have done to women”. Should really be, “Given all that society has done to women over the past few (if not all) Millennia” Ignoring for a moment that judging any point of time in society outside of the last 100 years using our current societal standards is foolhardy. If you are implying that men have done this specifically and exclusively, is to imply that Women have… Read more »
@ Arakiba
What would you say if I said given all men have done for women essentially creating civilization, doubling life expectancy, making life easier through technology, etc; why shouldn’t men feel entitled? That would be the other side of the coin.
Excellent article
This sort of concept is hard to grasp for those still stuck in their “blind rage” phase on the road to egalitarianism. I am talking about both men and women here.
If we say swans are white birds, black swans get pissed.
Many will come to the defense of black swans.
Many will demonstrate their empathy for black swans by saying that all those who think all swans are white, are “dicks”.
And so it goes.
If we say those who think all swans are white are not “dicks,” just uninformed
It slows down
If we thing of human beings as having a variety of traits that are expressed in ways that express compassion or don’t
It stops
How obvious could you be? Why does it have to be black and white swans? Why not poker-dotted and tie-dye or long-legged and stripped? You are already creating a negative paradigm with those as you’re choice or colors.
Misandry is not a rare word and the phenomenon is well understood, not sure where the author has been hiding….Anyone who is against any type of bias or prejudice, does not engage in stereotyping any group of people, and those who do are normally just as contemptuous of ANY other group that stands outside of the norm. I have a big problem whenever I hear about misandry, as it seems to be gaining popularity at the expense of the rights of women, gays, etc. by making inaccurate comparisons between these groups. The pressure on men to behave in a “manly”… Read more »
The world wasn’t simply created by men, it was created by old men a long time ago in an age where men’s opinion was first and foremost important. None of us made this, we’re just living in it, but ALL of us are responsible for upholding it.
And to imply that women don’t make up sizeable demographic of that pressures is ignorant. Even if it’s say 80/20 that’s stil 10 million women
Well said, LKA.
In this day and age in Western society women are Equally culpable with men for the state of society…. The End…Fini.
Anything less denies women their agency and responsibility for their actions
Why is it drivel when men try to understand and discuss how societal pressures also trap us in negative stereotypes? People cannot fix problems they don’t understand or don’t even recognize. You yourself may think this is old news, but that discounts the millions of men and women, from different walks of life, who are just beginning to “see the forest for the trees”.
How about you get your facts straight? Women are complicit in patriarchy nearly as much as men are, and whilst men hold more power on average…Women still have a lot of influence. When a boy cries and his mother tells him “Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about”, or “boy’s don’t cry”, etc she is reinforcing the patriarchal gender roles that harm men. “I have a big problem whenever I hear about misandry, as it seems to be gaining popularity at the expense of the rights of women, gays, etc. by making inaccurate comparisons between these groups.… Read more »
This is the best response!
It’s your narrative against his. What facts support your narrative?
First, we have a president who’s own department of labor concludes that the 23% “wage” gap, which is really an income gap, is not due to discrimination, but he still wishes to push the narrative. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christina-hoff-sommers/wage-gap_b_2073804.html However, what is not in dispute is that 90% of people who die in industrial deaths are men. Probably because it’s hard to hide the bodies and it’s easy to count. Name one right and one obligation that women have that men don’t. I’ll give you two. Women have the right to genital integrity. FGM is banned, but MGM is allowed. Wait, what was… Read more »
Obnoxious but expected response. Some msandrist was going to do it.
Dee, you hit the nail right on the head. Patriarchy treats men it considers insufficiently manly very badly. But men feeling bad isn’t equivalent to what women have been put through for the past few thousand years.
How about feeling dead? Society is actually most noted for abusing men, especially it’s penchant for killing the manliest of men. Ever stand before the endless rows of white crosses in places like Arlington, Verdun, and Flanders? I have. Ever been to a VA hospital, seen the ongoing (since this country’s inception) gravy train of broken, amputated, militated boys that we produce? Cure what ails ya for sure. Did you know that we sent an entire army of men into places like Antietam with not so much as a package of bandages, left thousands upon thousands dying on the battlefield… Read more »
Interesting how you sum up all that happens to men as “feeling bad”.
Its like you aren’t even trying to pay attention….
What rubbish. the author is not saying misogyny is not a problem just that there is also a problem with misandry. You express it here – a lack of respect for the complex issues that affect us all and yes, including men. It’s men who have the highest rate of suicide but you are indicative of a problem which denies them the ability to own or acknowledge a problem or seek help for it. I’m a gay man and respect women 100%. But I’ve heard and seen plenty of women forcing grotesque masculinity onto men – from women verbally abusing… Read more »
@ Peter
“What rubbish. the author is not saying misogyny is not a problem just that there is also a problem with misandry.”
It’s known as the empathy gap, people don’t care about men as much as they care about women, and Dee illustrates the point.
“The pressure on men to behave in a “manly” manner comes largely from the world created BY men, NOT women”
Oh, because the white feather campaign never existed where WOMEN gave MEN white feathers because they were too afraid to protect the “more valuable” women. Of course the survey’s that show that women are twice as likely to reject a partner whew doesn’t work has no impact omn a man’s behavior since many of these women as THEY like to point out raised these men.
.Anyone who is against any type of bias or prejudice, does not engage in stereotyping any group of people, and those who do are normally just as contemptuous of ANY other group that stands outside of the norm. I have a big problem whenever I hear about misandry, as it seems to be gaining popularity at the expense of the rights of women, gays, etc. by making inaccurate comparisons between these groups. This is gonna be good. So tell me what inaccurate comparisons are involved in pointing out that most suicides are committed by men? What inaccurate comparisons are made… Read more »