Missing Them and Moving on Aren’t Mutually Exclusive

A guy I thought was cute and charming in college was part of an improv comedy group on campus, and I would often go to shows and admire him from the audience. That’s as far as it ever went with the two of us, but watching all that improv taught me some key lessons about real-life love and relationships. My favorite is the concept of “Yes, and.”

“Yes, and” is an improv staple based on accepting whatever idea is presented (“Yes”) and then expanding on it or introducing something new alongside it (“and”). In effect, it’s the opposite of exclusionary “either/or” thinking. It liberates rather than restricts.

As a therapist, I’ve presented variations of this idea to many of my clients as a reminder that two seemingly contradictory feelings can coexist. And there is no experience that produces more seemingly contradictory feelings than heartbreak: you feel pain but you also feel hollow, you’re exhausted but you’re also on edge, you hate them but you also love them…and on and on.

This confusing swirl of emotions will be familiar to anyone who has loved and lost — and it’s essentially the subject of 99% of songs ever written. But the transition out of heartbreak often includes a widely overlooked “Yes, and,” which is this: You can move on successfully and still miss your ex. Understanding this fact may help you find happiness again even sooner.

When a meaningful relationship ends, it comes with a grieving process very similar to the one that follows a death. This makes sense, because although your ex still exists, the relationship as you knew it no longer does.

The most commonly referenced stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance; there is nothing in there about no longer missing the person. We would never expect that of someone whose loved one has died, so why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to stop missing a loved one who remains living? The relationship may be over, but our memories of the good parts and the positive feelings we had for the person don’t just disappear. It’s natural to miss those things, even if we have accepted that we can’t go back in time (and maybe wouldn’t even want to).

Allowing yourself to have complex, non-either/or feelings about a past partner is different than being in denial. You have acknowledged that the relationship is behind you, and you’re ready to move forward and eventually open your heart to new love. At the same time, you can miss your ex when you hear a certain song or see something that reminds you of them or, really, for any reason at all. There doesn’t need to be an excuse or justification when that feeling comes up.

What’s more, you can feel continued love for someone and know that you two are better off not being together. The heart can accommodate all kinds of love for all kinds of people in your life, including those whose chapters have come to a close.

So yes, you loved this person and you’re no longer with them, and you still hold a spot for them in your heart, and you’re continuing to live and find joy in other people and things. All of the above can be true at once.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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