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Is male sexuality inherently predatory and threatening? Do all guys just want to grab women’s private parts, as Donald Trump suggested? Was Brock Turner’s jail sentence of six months and registering as a sex offender too harsh for “20 minutes of action”, as his father complained? Are these and other high-profile cases of bad behavior typical of all men?
Many people believe rape is an inevitable by-product of male sexuality because the male sex drive is impossible to control. They may even believe that sexual desire causes guys to make bad decisions. They are dangerously incorrect and we all pay the price.
The reality is that most men are quite capable of controlling their sexual urges, which is why the vast majority of men are not rapists.
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The reality is that most men are quite capable of controlling their sexual urges, which is why the vast majority of men are not rapists. In fact, most men are not particularly interested in having many partners. Researchers consistently find approximately 15% of men in their 20s have three or more partners per year, and only about 5% of all guys have three or more partners for three straight years. On college campuses, surrounded by thousands of other unmarried people their same age with a minimal level of adult supervision, only 25% of undergraduate men say they want two or more partners in the next thirty days. Yes, males have greater desire for and greater experience with promiscuity than women, but it’s a minority of guys who are driving the differences: three-fourths of male college students aren’t interested in having multiple short-term partners and more than four-fifths of guys in their 20s aren’t being promiscuous. So much for “hookup culture.” Most men don’t desire a promiscuous sex life. If you can get a man to talk about a sexual experience he regrets, you’ll probably hear a story about a drunken hookup.
Instead of recognizing and acting on the reality, we continue to minimize guys’ ability to control their sexual desires and instead give responsibility to others. Because we think guys can’t control themselves, we give girls and women responsibility for not dressing provocatively, not “leading him on,” and proving they gave a clear – and clearly understood – no. Guys seem to have little responsibility for knowing their own limits or being decent listeners. (Not good listeners; “no” is about as simple as it gets.) “Bathroom bills” in North Carolina make transgender individuals responsible for preventing the rape of women in restrooms; why not make it illegal to falsely claim a Trans identity?
Female victims clearly pay the price, as the letter from Brock Turner’s victim demonstrates. The experience and its associated trauma are awful. Not being listened to, as in the Bill Cosby case, just makes it worse.
Victims of male-on-male sexual assault suffer many of the same outcomes, with an additional dose of shame for not being able to defend themselves. Mental health problems may be compounded by the lack of public and professional knowledge regarding male sexual assault victims, leading to less effective treatment.
Some institutions have also paid the price of male sexual predation. They assumed rape was inevitable and then tried to act like it never happened.
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Some institutions have also paid the price of male sexual predation. They assumed rape was inevitable and then tried to act like it never happened. The Catholic Church has paid tens of millions in settlements. Football programs from Penn State to Baylor to Sayreville, NJ have paid, with reputations tarnished and jobs lost. At this level, the cost is paid not just by the perpetrators and those who covered for them, but many others who genuinely didn’t know. Some of those innocents, continuing to trust the organizations and relying on their faulty knowledge of male sexuality, lash out at the victims.
Although the cost is much smaller at the individual level, all men suffer from the notion that “men are dogs,” because any misbehavior of his reinforces that notion. Further, he is incapable of refuting the global charge because the group “men” is more likely than the group “women” to be lewd or commit any type of sexual assault. Most women date men, and when they spend time and energy trying to figure out if he’s a dog or a good guy, they’re paying the price of our misunderstanding.
We can and must do better. We can learn the facts about men’s ability and willingness to control themselves, and give credit to the majority of men for being responsible adults. We can also put responsibility on the minority of men who disgrace the whole group, and teach them how to do better.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
A lot of men are in denial of their bad sexual behavior. They believe they can lust like a gentleman but they are justifying bad behavior. They believe what’s wrong with masturbation, watching porn or going to strip clubs, all guys do this and that’s part of being a man. That’s a lie many have swallowed. It’s a disease like alcoholism and there is a program out there for men who struggle with sexual addiction called Sexaholics Anonymous. Go to the website and test yourself with the 20 questions to see if you’re sexually addicted. http://www.sa.org/
“Are We Wrong About Male Sexuality?”
That depends.
What do “we” know, or what do we think we know, about male sexuality?
(Other than it is diverse).
Unfortunately, the replies to this post (as well as my own personal experience) indicate most men CAN’T control their sexuality and AREN’T willing to be decent. What I would make a compelling article is providing proof of men who are honorable and good-hearted.
Why does Andrew not care about female-perpetrated rape?
You’re part of the problem my friend. You don’t need to disclaim every other possibility in the universe to prove a point. This article is about men assaulting women. It doesn’t need to include that perspective.
This author thinks that male victims don’t exist.
“Many people believe …. the male sex drive is impossible control.”
I disagree. It rarely, if ever, would anyone believe that statement. Instead, most would recognize that men are perfectly able to control their sex drives but that many are lacking strong incentive to do so. I, for one, recognize no obligation to conform my sexual behavior to feminists’ expectations.
sorry are you saying that if a woman doesn’t like what you’re doing to her, you plan to do it anyway? Furthermore, are you calling women who are trying to draw attention to the issue of rape feminists? If so, you need to look up the term feminist. Women, AND men, have a right to say NO, and if a man or woman such as yourself decides that he has no obligation to conform their sexual behaviour to meet the desires of the other party in the sexual relationship and goes ahead and forces sex on them, that is called… Read more »
I don’t have a personal relationship with you; therefore, I am not “your friend.” “…are you saying that if a woman doesn’t like what you’re doing to her, you plan to do it anyway?” No. “…are you calling women who are trying to draw attention to the issue of rape feminists?” In my experiece, most of them call THEMSELVES Feminists. “…men, have a right to say NO…” I am aware of that. It’s not an issue to me. I am perfectly capable of saying “no” when I decide to do so. “…you need to look up the term feminist.” I… Read more »
An excellent article , as a single father that far too many hostile , judgmental women have assumed as a pervert / sex predator , simply for being male. Also many of them assume men are unfit parents too & are often condescending. Men innately , on average. are cursed with far higher sex drives than women & combo of biology ( women’s brains are far less sexually wired & they have trace testosterone levels , T + primary libido driver ) & very sexually repressive Anglo cultures. What would be ideal for men is a way to remove the… Read more »
Right so the name of this project is good men so let’s remember what that is also the name of the article is are we wrong about male sexuality? So I want to know what a good man’s sexual its is about. This desire basically keeps the whole species perpetuating so it’s a very powerful drive also on a more all encompassing note it is the longing to reconnect through sacred loving union with another. We have got to stop shaming men about sexual its and teach it openly including how relationships work. In a romantic outcome between two people… Read more »
Andrew, I don’t think that most people blame make sexuality for rape in this day and age, or at least no one who is informed on the subject, and the hysterical claims of a male rape culture are badly exaggerated. Research clearly shows that over 98% of men consider it inexcusable regardless of provocation. Even among the prison populations that i work with the men, many of who have significant histories of violence perpetration, vehemently consider violence against women to be unacceptable, particularly sexual violence. So much so that sex offenders have to be placed in segregation to prevent them… Read more »
Then why is it so prevalent? https://twitter.com/hashtag/notokay?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
Because the actions of a minority of men are being touted as representation of men as a whole. In fact its one of the only times so called progressives actually allow and support negative generalizations of an entire group.
The problem is rather than focusing on the ones that are committing that violence its become okay to just blanketly blame all men. Its lazy, dishonest, and sexist.
A not so small minority, which indicates a cultural problem. Males don’t wanna change their own masculine culture, though.
We don’t see it happening so frequently in other (more civilized) countries.
No it actually is a small minority. I’m still willing to say its a cultural problem the difference I recognize that just blanketly targetting all men isn’t the solution being being a man isn’t the problem.
Males don’t wanna change their own masculine culture, though.
No we do. We just don’t base our changes on what women and feminists approve of.
“Research clearly shows that over 98% of men consider it inexcusable regardless of provocation.”
Source? And what is “provocation”… how do I provoke someone into raping me?
Andrew, thank you for this article and thank you more for your latest book Dating and Sex A Guide for the 21st Century Teen Boy (Magination Press, 2016). Your is a great guide for men, not just boys. I believe that all men can do better when it comes to their interactions with women and your book calmly suggests ways of thinking and behaving towards doing so. You writing style is so engaging and accessible. Anyone who read this article should at least check out more information on your book. Even a review of the table of contents provides guidance.… Read more »
Stories on this site (and others) about touch isolation are on point. We need to stop teaching boys that touch is only about sex. And to do that we have to overcome our own indoctrinated fear of touching them, so that we can begin to touch them more, in gentle platonic ways.
Did I really just read that? We need to stop teaching boys that touch is only about sex, and that we have to overcome our own fear of touching SO THAT MEN CAN BEGIN TO TOUCH THEM MORE, in PLATONIC ways? That’s an oxymoron…despite pounding into our kids that their bodies are their own and that nobody has a right to touch others without permission, you’re suggesting that we need to encourage touching? And how do you definite platonic? When I was pregnant EVERYONE wanted to touch my belly, and MANY did. I HATED it – it’s awkward, uncomfortable, and… Read more »
One of the things to consider is whether rape is perpetrated in the animal kingdom and from what I understand it is. It’s a mating strategy that inferior males will use in some cases at least. We were studying a frog in biology class and the teacher had noted that the males call the females. The females are attracted to the males with the loudest calls. Smaller males would hide near a larger calling male and would jump on a female when she approached and tried to impregnate her before she got to the other male. I don’t remember the… Read more »
Yes, most males are rapists by nature and that includes male humans.
Superior males also rape, though. The already willing females and other males.
You don’t talk about men being sexually abused and raped by women. This happens perhaps more than we think because men are not likely to report it or talk about it. You only mention in you article male on male sexual assault, if we unpack this most of it is by heterosexual men, the not so nice type. Your article seems to be a male bashing in parts. You say there is only a small group of “bad men”, which I agree with so messages to us all to be better seem to be an over reaction. Good men are… Read more »
Greg, I can assure you Andrew is extremely aware and sensitized to the issue of female perpetration. That’s not the point he is addressing here, but please know that male victimization is an issue that Andrew spends a lot of time working on.
Good article… but i have a question …regarding the comment that men who are sexually assaulted by men have additional shame around not being able to protect themself and prevent the assault? What makes you think it’s additionally bad for men in that regard? As a woman that exact shame is present also, have felt it lifelong. Ask some other women, it’s probably universal. Your statement somewhat makes women sound weak and inferior….
CG, if I may, I read that not as suggesting there is a comparison between the victimization experience of females, but simply stating part of the challenges that male survivors (and I am one) of sexual abuse face. There is a layer of stigma and shame that many male victims struggle with that is worthy of acknowledging and discussing because of how it intersects with the definitions of what it means to be a man that so many men and boys digest. This doesn’t at all mean that women don’t feel similar feelings, or that their sense of victimization is… Read more »
I cant speak for Andrew’s intent on that but I think I know what he meant to say. When a male is assaulted by a male there is another layer of shaming that proposes that he must of wanted it or else he would have fought off his attacker. This line of shaming implies that he is gay and is claiming assault to cover up being gay. Now that is not to say that a woman raped by a man isn’t shamed but the shaming is very different. Think about it like this. When a male is assaulted by a… Read more »
We need male studies in the college setting so someone can study and provide valuable data for men. According to women’s studies in college 1/4 of men are rapists? No one has studied the corersion of men by women into unwanted sex. And how many rapes are UNWANTED KISSES? We need real studies.
There have been studies done. “WASHINGTON — A large proportion of teenage boys and college men report having been coerced into sex or sexual behavior, according to research published by the American Psychological Association. A total of 43 percent of high school boys and young college men reported they had an unwanted sexual experience and of those, 95 percent said a female acquaintance was the aggressor, according to a study published online in the APA journal Psychology of Men and Masculinity®.” “Of 284 U.S. high school and college students who responded to a survey about unwanted sexual encounters, 18 percent… Read more »
Actually, there have been extensive studies of college dating violence that consistently find similar levels ‘coerced sex’ between makes and females, but forced sex remains at close to 90% male perpetrated.
Having not done the studies/seen the studies, I can say that at the very least, a man is quite capable of ‘fighting off’ a woman who is ‘trying to rape them.’ Coersion is TOTALLY different from rape – so they both had a few drinks and she gets persistent, and he relents. But did he say ‘no’ repeatedly, while trying to fight her off? There are few women out there who couldn’t be overcome by their stronger male counterpart, and I’m not a man, but if it’s truly RAPE, I have a sneaky suspicion that it would be pretty difficult… Read more »
Instead of recognizing and acting on the reality, we continue to minimize guys’ ability to control their sexual desires and instead give responsibility to others. Because we think guys can’t control themselves, we give girls and women responsibility for not dressing provocatively, not “leading him on,” and proving they gave a clear – and clearly understood – no. Simple. Assuming that men are sex driven beasts is the weapon of choice when it comes silencing girls and women when it comes to sex. Assuming that male sexuality will lead by default always lead to the worst possible scenarios is used… Read more »
@ Danny People will say that false ra[e claims are rare, but they’re not necessarily right and they’re not necessarily wrong. Fact is we don’t know. Let’s put it this way. If 2% of cases are false. We have 63/344 cases about 20% that are chargeable. Of those we have 13 of 344 which actually have enough evidence to be charged. Of that we have 7 or more up to 13 that end in conviction. So we have between 2 and 4% that actually end in conviction. 95% or so of the cases can’t be proven true or false although… Read more »
That’s a good point John. The reason you see funny accounting like that is because much like male sexuality, there are people who depend on that uncertainty as a part of their arsenal of Fear Uncertainty Doubt. This is why you see so much effort in silencing falsely accused men and attempts at still making false accusers out to be the victim (seriously the National Organization of Women actually awarded Mattress Girl for going around campus and calling a man a rapist even after the campus judicial system found him not responsible). This is why you also see attempts at… Read more »
You talk about false rape claims and false rape accusations as if they were only one thing. THEY AREN’T.
You don’t have to accuse someone as the supposed rapist to claim (falsely or not) you were raped.
I recommend an article over on vox.com called, “He grabbed my p*ssy: women speak out about their own sexual assault…..” which will lead you to #notokay – where women talk about men grabbing them without permission from family, family friends and strangers – when they were little girls and when they were women. We tend to think that sexual assault are what happens in cases with Brock turned. Sexual assault happens in a million micro-aggressions everyday to women. I consider the sexual assault of women epidemic. I don’t know if it is “most men” but it is certainly most women… Read more »
THANK YOU Erin. EVERY SINGLE WOMAN I know has had at LEAST one sexual assault or rape experience in their lifetime. NONE of the women I know were ever successful in getting a conviction in their case, including one who had the whole thing on video – it happened in an apartment building corridor and was caught by the surveillance cams. He was let off with the provision that he go to drug counselling. Most of them never reported it because they felt nothing would be done, and they would be at risk of either being raped again by the… Read more »
Andrew
I can remember earlier articles written by you .
You have good knowledge about this issue,so let me ask you one question.
Why do so many men use and like the kind of porn where women are treated badly?
Is that arousing,and why?
The men you interviewed did not want many sex partners,still we know many of they use porn. isn’t that also a way to have several sex partners?
” isn’t that also a way to have several sex partners?”
Not even remotely. I mean unless you’re willing to say the same about a women with a shelf of romance novels
8ball
I have never read any of those romantic novel that seems to be popular in America.
But it is great that men know their deal breaker and tell their girlfriend or wife about them from the very beginning.
Be honest above about deal breakers , that’s fine 8ball.
Explicit porn doesn’t not equate to romance novels, you fool. WTF. Romance novels are dull, boring, no real people are part of it and many times won’t even describe any sex scene.
A file filled with hot, toned young men with gorgeous penises stripping and masturbating or pleasuring women as if they were dirty little sex boy toys is the comparison you should be making.
I’m pretty sure you would love to know your partner has a file like that and that she uses it frequently (many, many women do), though.
Very good points! I’d like to hear some answers to these questions too.
@ Iben I can see it both ways. Is having a conversation with someone emotionally cheating? Is flirting cheating? Is dancing with someone else cheating? There are some people who’d claim these are cheating. Others don’t see cheating until their is contact with someone’s bare sexual parts. I count ,self among the latter. I don’t think you lose “self” when you become “a couple”. “isn’t that also a way to have several sex partners?” I can’t answer that question because that answer is dependent on each individual person as noted above. I don’t think fantasies are cheating. Unlike what some… Read more »
John Anderson “Others don’t see cheating until their is contact with someone’s bare sexual parts”. It is tricky John. I think we can agree on that. And today with the internet and webcams it is even more important to agree on what boundaries you want around a committed relationship. Friendship online can develop from zero to deep close emotional intimate friendship super fast. Some know where to draw a line others don’t. You can protect the relationship or expect it to flourish no matter how many hurts you give other person. So while we promise to not have sex with… Read more »
@ Iben
I think we run into problems sometimes when we say I have THE answer, when instead I have AN answer is correct. I’m not sure how much you need to worry about it though. I firmly believe that loving others brings out the best in ourselves.
John. Anderson
“Loving others bring out the best in ourselves ”
These are beautiful words from you,and it is so true!
Another question: How do you deal with turning down an invitation for making love/having sex with your partner?
Say that you both have time for it, but for whatever reason you just don’t feel up to it.
Are you the least bit curious to know what he (yes, let’s for argument’s sake assume that your partner’s a “he”) does with his “leftover desire”?
Do you just assume it will disappear into thin air, or that a cold shower will alleviate it?
Flyingkal “Are you the least bit curious to know what he (yes, let’s for argument’s sake assume that your partner’s a “he”) does with his “leftover desire”? Do you just assume it will disappear into thin air, or that a cold shower will alleviate it?” I am not sure I understand what you mean. I guess “leftover desire” = being horny ? And my answer is that no I am not curious about about what my man does when I am not watching … I have thought about it or worry about it. If I feel sexual desire for a… Read more »
Sorry about typos.
I expect my partner to mastrubate if he feels like it.
Iben, Thank you for the answer. And contrary to your suspicions, I did not have ulterior motives with my question. I was merely curious. As in my experience, both from my own past relationships and from friends I have discussed with, women (Most? A lot? Can’t quantify, that’s why I’m asking!) often seem to expect the question to be resolved with a simple “no”. And of course from her point of view it is. But that a partner in a committed relationship sometimes would have the “need” to resolve this matter on their own is at best totally unexpected and… Read more »
🙂 No Flyingkal I don’t for a minute believe Swedish women see it as infidelity to have “solo sex.” Nor do I believe they think it never happens . Unless of course you move in circles with deeply religious people . They sometimes see solo sex as sin. And those women then without saying actually say without words that they never do it themselves …Hmm,. I can assure it happens more often than you think. That does not mean women or men worry about what their partner does when his offer some love making is turned down, Why should we… Read more »
Maybe the more correct word is ” penis maintenance “
Thanks Iben,
It’s interesting to have a discussion with someone who without a doubt can claim to know what thoughts and opinions anyone else in the world is having.
You should be able to make a fortune out of that ability! 🙂
Frankly I do not understand this comment.
I have been open and also answered lots of your question.That has to end .
And yes, I do not believe most Swedish women never masturbate,even those in committed relationships.
Nor do I believe most Swedish women see masturbatin as infidelity or are shocked that men do it when they want to.
I prefer to end this dialogue.
Yes Iben, go ahead and end the dialogue. Just like you did the other day when you said you were taking a break from the GMP (and the entire internet?) until the US election was over. 🙂 “Frankly I do not understand this comment.” You said that you don’t for a minute believe Swedish women see it as infidelity to have “solo sex”, or that they think it never happens. So actually you think you know better what some women think about sex, than what they have actually told me! My questions are open to everyone. I don’t rely on… Read more »
What a sensitive, passive-aggressive little male snowflake lmao
You were the one who assumed a woman may think “desire” can usually go away with a cold shower or simply disappear or whatever, as if women weren’t sexual beings themselves who experience desire.
And sure, I totally agree most European (or American, from North to South) women masturbate. There are statistics that prove it.
“If you can get a man to talk about a sexual experience he regrets, you’ll probably hear a story about a drunken hookup.”
Yet, a lot of women would call that rape.
No no no John. Its only rape if the woman was drunk. Just ask Amy Schumer (you know the feminist that publicly talked about having sex with a drunk guy and suffered 0 consequences for it).
If you look at the CDC stats or the APA stats I mentioned earlier, you’ll see an interesting phenomenon. There are nearly identical numbers of men being forced / coerced into sex as women and women are the vast majority of perpetrators. You’ll also notice that the lifetime numbers for men drop dramatically. I don’t remember the number, but it’s like 1 in 21 when you’d expect 1 in 5 like with women. If you’ve spoken with victims as I have (and apparently a few others have in the subsequent years), you’ll know that it’s because support for male victims… Read more »
Interesting read! I’m of the opinion that the male sex drive is only as controllable as the male is disciplined. Of course we would like to grab women’s body parts whenever we please, but that’s why we develop a good attitude towards life and attract women naturally. This way we don’t have to harm anyone in the process of fulfilling our sexual desires.
Grant, it is disturbing that you causally said that men certainly do just want to grab women’s bodies whenever they please. How would you feel about a woman that said, “sure, I would love to take money out of any men’s wallets that I see, but I use self control. You respect me for that right?” There is no man here that would respect a woman that said she would love to just take money from men without their consent while coming off as being proud that they use enough control not to. I am just reall shocked by your… Read more »
WTF?! I have a high sex drive and vehemently deny that I want to violate women whenever I like. I also don’t think I’m unusual – the men I know treat women as equal human beings, not sex-dispensing algorithms. The attitude expressed by Grant is NOT normal and NOT ok.
Jesus H. Guy. Speak for yourself. Yanno, I spend a lot of time defending men from the accusations that you’ve just bolstered here, but you’ve demonstrated exactly why I still speak up on behalf of women and some of what they feel. If you have an urge to “grab” women, then you have issues that need to be addressed, but don’t paint the rest of us with that brush. That is faux masculinity, a boy in a man suite mentality, and exactly what what Micheal Kasdan spoke of with regard to locker room mentality, exactly what Trump has demonstrated with… Read more »
@ Grant I’ve been thinking about your comment. I think I understand what you’re saying, but I think you’re confusing things. Let me see if I can help you out. You’re saying that if I saw an Ipod and I really wanted an Ipod, the only thing preventing me from stealing it, is that I don’t view the Ipod as “valuable” enough to overcome my self control, but if it was an Ipad, I would lose control and steal it. Your misconception is that a person’s morality has nothing to do with the value or how much they want something.… Read more »
So what you’re saying is that by default, men are sexual predators? And the only reason the vast majority of men aren’t rapists is because we are taught that rape is wrong? Gonna have to disagree. I grew up in an age where sex education in schools was just getting off the ground. By that I mean we had like one semester of it in middle school and the teacher literally never mentioned sex during the class. I also grew up in an age when computers were just taking over from magazines when it came to access to porn so… Read more »
@ Danny “And through all that I have never raped anyone and have never wanted to rape anyone. Yes I had plenty of thoughts about women I wanted to have sex with but no part of that desire included forcing them to do it.” I remember multiple occasions where I’ve been heavily drinking with women, some friends and others strangers / recently acquainted, On a couple of occasion, the women were passed out drunk and us guys still didn’t rape. Aren’t your inhibitions supposed to be lower when you’re smashed. Yet they were completely knocked out and completely safe. In… Read more »
Yes, males of basically all species are predators/rapists by default, including male humans.
Many of them don’t keep lying to themselves they are not. Rape laws are what they are today because women fought and died for them,little by little. Before that, it was only considered rape if you raped “other men’s properties”, like their wives or daughters, without their permission.
Everything about men that we hear today is so far out in left field that home plate would need a flag to be seen. “Further, he is incapable of refuting the global charge because the group “men” is more likely than the group “women” to be lewd or commit any type of sexual assault.” As men begin to lose the shame and speak up, that is yet another fallacy that will come to an end; just as we know know with domestic violence, cheating, and child abuse that the statistics are not so one sided, but just slightly less then… Read more »
Wrong. All over the world, men commit the VAST majority of all crimes. But keep dreaming, maybe that makes you feel better, I guess.