We present Mike Kasdan’s running Facebook recap and commentary of the third Presidential Debate, question by question.
Full Disclosure: Mike #IsWithHer, and at times serves as Hillary’s anger translator, in this otherwise faithful transcription of #debatenight.
Wallace: OK. No one in the audience talks or cheers. Got it? This is really important. Now let’s get it on!
Donald: <squinting intently>
“On the right, we have a President. On the left, an orange-colored Cheetoh ball of bile.”
The Supreme Court
Wallace: SCOTUS. Go!
Clinton: It’s really about what kind of country do we want to be?
Trump: Second Amendment, Kill Abortion, RBG Sucks.
Wallace: You sir, are essentially the NRA’s bitch. Why?
Wallace: “What do you think about Hillary’s abortion position”
Trump: “She is personally ripping babies out of women’s wombs in the 9th month, believe me.”
Hillary: “Fuck you, you piece of shit. This is a woman’s decision. Not yours.”
Wallace: Immigration. How’s about it? Hillary – Donald has articulated a plan to build a wall and make Mexico pay for it. You – you have no plan. So what gives?
Trump: The Wall was Hillary’s idea, just like the Obama birth certificate thing. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Also, there’s bad hombres out there. Real bad.
The Moment of Unhinging
9:31 PM. And….he’s gone off the rails. We’re sniffing. We’re interrupting. We’re “Wrong”-ing.
Whoever had 9:31 PM in your office pool, you’re the winner. Please see Brenda in accounting to collect your winnings.
National Security and Russia
Hillary: “He’d rather believe Vladimir Putin than 17 National Security Advisors who are sworn to protect this country.”
Trump: “I do.”
Hillary: DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED!?
Trump: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!! YOU WANT ME ON THAT WALL. YOU NEEEEEEDDD ME ON THAT WALL.
Wallace: Jobs. Economy. Yadda yadda yadda.
Hillary: <Brilliant policy discussion and explanation of plan to increase jobs>
Trump: Japan. Germany. Saudi Arabia. Korea. They’re rich. Obama stinks. Disaster. Disaster. Hillary said nice things about our Allies. Everyone knows you can’t do that. We’re going to have so much free trade, your head will spin. As for college, “we’re going to do lots of things for college. Lots.”
Trade Agreements and the TPP
Did somebody say “TPP”? I once wrote a song about that…
“TPP” [set to music of OPP, by Naughty by Nature]
Arm me with harmony. (Barry – Drop a load on ’em)
T P P how can I ‘splain it? I’ll take it frame by frame it. BernieBros will be a jumpin’ shoutin’ sayin’ it…
T is for Trans. P is for Pacific. Scratch your temple.
The last P…well that’s not that simple….
Its sorta like another way to call a deal or treaty.
It’s 12 little letters that I’m missing here.
It seems I gotta start to explain it…
You ever meet a country, met it on a nice hello.
You get their number and you meet them and you feel mellow?
You get back home, all agreed, and its what your people wanna know about
Then you tell em, and it’s a fight bout trade and jobs and how.
It’s not a front, F to the R to the O to the N to the T
It’s just a trade agreement, meant to unlock opportunity.
It’s TPP – Trans-Pacific-Partnership – you get it?
There’s no room to renegotiate; there’d best be room to quit it!
How many Bernie Brothers know just what I’m gettin’ at?
Well if you do, that’s TPP and you’re not down with it
But if you don’t here’s your membership (Thanks, Obama!)
You down with TPP ! (No. You know me)
Who’s down with TPP ! (Nope. Not for me!)
You down with TPP ! (No. You know me)
Who’s down with TPP ! (None of the homies)
Trump: You’re all talk, no action Hillary. Your experience is baaddddd. 30 years. Nothing done.
Hillary: Thank you for that. Let’s do a quick comparison of what I was doing and what Donald was doing. That’ll be fun.
Being Fit For the Presidency and Donald’s Alleged Sexual Assaults and Derogatory Comments About Women
Wallace: Let’s talk about grabbing women by the pussies. It seems like you’ve actually done this a lot. Let’s talk about that.
Donald: The corroborated stories of numerous witnesses have been debunked [they haven’t]. Hillary and Obama made these women do it. And I also blame them for all violence and racism. They did that too.
Also, no one, and I do mean no one respects women more than me. This notwithstanding the fact that in about 20 minutes I’m going to call Hillary “a nasty woman.”
(Hillary shooting flames from eyes)
Hillary: His defense at his rallies was that the women weren’t attractive enough to sexually abuse. He is a small man. In every way. ‘Nuff said.
Wallace: Pay to play and the Clinton Foundation. Sup?
Hillary: The Clinton Foundation is an amazing charity and there is zero evidence of any pay to play.
Trump: Who needs evidence!? The Clinton Foundation pushes gays and is a criminal enterprise.
Non Payment of Taxes and Tax Policy
Hillary: Dude, you paid no taxes for 20 years. You abused so many women, we almost forgot about it. Almost.
Trump: You should have changed all the laws, since you control EVERYTHING. Then I wouldn’t have been able to do it. Now what? Huh? HUH?
Whether The Election Is Rigged and Trump Will Abide By The Election Results
Wallace: Will you accept the results of the election? You know, the central foundation of a functioning democracy. Are you down with it?
Trump: No. The media is corrupt. The voters minds are poisoned. Hillary is a criminal and should be barred from running. Therefore, QED, it’s rigged, and I win.
Hillary: Isn’t it weird how every time he loses something, its “rigged.”
Wallace: ISIS, some more?
Hillary: <String of right things>
Hillary: <More right things>
Johnson: Wait, what’s Aleppo?
Wallace: You’re not in this debate
Trump: Interrupting cow. Moo. Aleppo. Disaster.
Wallace: Sir I —
The National Debt
Wallace: And now, the Grand Finale!! The National Debt!! Yes! 86% of GDP. 105% of GDP. Blah blah. Anyway, question being, why am I smarter than both of you?
Trump and Hillary, channeling Chevy Chase as President Ford on SNL: “I was under the impression there would be no math”?
Wallace: How about an impromptu closing statement that you didn’t agree to prepare?
Hillary: American needs to pull together to make it fairer, to make it work, to grow. America is awesome and we need all of us in it together. I will work to make life better. I have done it my whole life, and I will do it for you.
Trump: <incomprehensible jabbering> Make America Great Again. Military. Police. Black people in the inner cities are dumb and shoot each other. Also, I love the blacks. And they love me, believe me. So let’s Make America Great Again. Vote me. Not Obama. Me.
And that’s a wrap on the Third and, thankfully, final Presidential Debate of 2016!
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