My marriage and money hypothesis
I don’t care if one person is dead broke and the other is a billionaire, when you marry, you MUST share ALL the money equally, or the marriage is doomed.
Who’s bringing home the bacon…and eggs?
Of course, couples break up for a myriad of reasons: infidelity, illness, or simply growing apart…but don’t underestimate the role money, with its immense life-changing repercussions, has on how people process their sense of pride, self-worth, and feelings of freedom and independence.
Don’t underestimate what it feels like to be the breadwinner, or the receiver of the bread — because if one person is economically dependent on the other in a relationship, there cannot be true equality, parity, or psychological and emotional stability.
Some couples strike a “fair” balance whereas one person earns the money and the other person performs mutually beneficial tasks like raising children and performing household chores, but what happens when this delicate balance gets interrupted?
What happens when the person earning the money decides the other person isn’t “earning” their keep?
What happens if the “non-earner” wants more money than the earner makes? Child-rearing and housekeeping skills are valuable but don’t translate directly into spendable cash.
And what happens if the “money-earner” decides it’s beneath them to clean the toilets and take care of the kids?
Let’s go there…
Changing gender roles
Unlike the old days where a family could live on one income, it takes two to usually make ends meet. But with the cost of child care and inflation in general, many couples are structuring their lives around one person working predominantly and the other person less so, or not at all.
Does gender matter when it comes to who achieves economically and who achieves nonmaterially?
No. It doesn’t.
What matters is that both people in the relationship or marriage are on the same page when it comes to the value of what they’re “bringing to the table.”
What true equality looks like
True equality means it doesn’t matter who makes the money or in what percentages.
If two people decide that raising children or maintaining a home is just as valuable as receiving money from an employer, it means ANY money coming into the household is shared equally.
It also means, household chores are shared as well — I’ve never subscribed to the notion that raising children and doing housework is less tiring than working outside the home. Try them both and let me know.
Once the chores are divvied up as fairly as possible, each person gets their own bank account, and ANY money coming into that household gets deposited equally into their own personal bank accounts.
Why?
If you love someone you should be willing to spend your last penny on them, right? Even if it’s not “their” money? Why is money so loaded with emotion, power, and anxiety? The reason: because when it’s gone, it’s oftentimes difficult to replenish, particularly as we age.
Would they do it for me?
So, you get married, you decide who’s going to work outside the home, and you make a deal — one of you agrees to work full-time and share the income equally, and the other agrees to handle their fair share of household management chores including the raising of children.
You ask, re-ask, and ask again. But ultimately you’re convinced if you had to switch roles, each of you gladly would. You’re confident, if some unexpected circumstance or illness were to arise, even if it means mutual bankruptcy, you would both be on the same page.
Circumstances and people change over time
Yes. There are plenty of very altruistic, Mother Teresa-like people who would gladly give their last penny to the one they love, but even the closest couples tend to have a healthy level of self-protection.
You don’t have to be a genius to know someone at 25 will have different spending habits (and opinions, principles, and morals), then a 35, 55, or 75-year-old.
One person’s desire is another person’s necessity
People don’t have identical spending habits. In fact, most have wildly different ideas about what constitutes a need, and what is a want.
So, why on this green earth am I suggesting the person who’s good with money funnel it over to the person who is bad with it?
Because you’re not each other’s parent. Married adults should not have to ask permission to get money from their life partners.
I am not suggesting the person with more money hand over 1 penny more than 50%.
I AM suggesting once you establish a 50–50 split if one person spends their fortune on frappucinos, vape pens, and fancy cars, and the other doesn’t, the broke one may have to live a day without an $8 cup of mostly water (I buy fraps, I’m not judging.)
That’s crazy…you say…
If you love someone, and you agree you are part of a team. And you want your money to last as long as possible, shouldn’t you hope the cheaper one hangs on to something?
Everyone says they can live without money until they have to live without money.
If one person is constantly saving 50%, there will always be enough to eat.
That’s not fair…you say…
Marriage isn’t fair.
It’s a complex, mysterious, merging of egos, pride, desire, anxiety, and euphoria. No two people will have the same spending habits, priorities, or emotions surrounding money.
Summary
Have I convinced you? Did I prove my hypothesis that all money should be split 50–50 amongst married couples?
Trying to change a spouse’s spending habits is futile and a waste of energy. When you get married you are literally legally becoming one person — mind, body, and money.
Divvy up the household chores fairly, decide who’s going to work and how much, and establish separate bank accounts with which all money is deposited equally.
By the way, if you want to marry me….I used to spend like a drunken sailor, but now I wear the same socks and underwear until they disintegrate —but I do bath twice a day and drive a Hyundai!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Wright Brand Bacon on Unsplash