Dan Griffin believes,”This is where we have to start: by eradicating the stigma of men talking about abuse.”
The topic of men and trauma has been under-discussed and ignored for far too long. We’ve heard about men’s natural proclivity for aggression and violence as though we are automatons powerless against the testosterone coursing through our bodies. While there is obviously some biological truth to that idea, we would be fooling ourselves to think that is the whole story.
You cannot talk about men’s violence without talking about men’s trauma. Yet there has been an underlying philosophy in how we assess and treat men, a cynical judgment borne of resignation and ignorance coming from both men and women that shrugs its shoulders and says, “That’s just how men are.” And men’s voices have been too quiet—or even absent—from these conversations. Out of guilt, apathy, ignorance, entitlement and arrogance, we have contributed to a picture that is woefully incomplete—at best it is two hands on the proverbial elephant.
We now know based upon brain imaging techniques what many people have understood intuitively: that trauma literally gets locked in our brains and in our bodies. We now have tools available to treat that process, whether it is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) or using yoga or music therapy to help people get into their bodies and out of their heads. One of the breakthroughs in the field of trauma is a fundamental shift in our approach to those who have suffered, moving from a place of asking accusingly, “What’s wrong with you?” to a place of asking compassionately, “What happened to you?” This is a shift we should incorporate into our everyday lives and interactions.
One of the breakthroughs in the field of trauma is a fundamental shift in our approach to those who have suffered, moving from a place of asking accusingly, “What’s wrong with you?” to a place of asking compassionately, “What happened to you?”
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There is no question this is a difficult topic to address. It can be very scary for men to talk about abuse and trauma; most of us will not even use the word “fear.” As I have been saying for years: it is hard for us as men to talk about trauma without feeling as though we are somehow compromising our masculinity. Keeping all of our pain tucked away deep inside, many of us go through this world acting as tornadoes in others’ lives, leaving a path of destruction everywhere we go. Our tendency as men is to externalize the effects of the trauma—which, simply stated, means we act out those effects with other people often directly in our line of fire. Then, perhaps worst of all, people react to our behavior and we can only see the injustice of our behavior, not what we have done to help cause it. One of the hardest aspects of trauma is that you literally feel crazy—like Jekyll and Hyde or as if you have been possessed by some demon exhibiting behaviors and committing acts that horrify you and cause great personal shame. There are men who experience childhood trauma and grow up not to be abusers but abused—by their partners, male and female. There is a small group of men and women helping to increase our society’s awareness of men who are abused. That group of men coming forward are very courageous and have talked about the incredible shame and denial they have felt as a result of experiencing abuse in their most intimate relationships, especially from women.
Keeping all of our pain tucked away deep inside, many of us go through this world acting as tornadoes in others’ lives, leaving a path of destruction everywhere we go.
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Do you think you might be living with untreated trauma? If so, here are some questions from my book, A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps:
• Do you yell at other people or put them down in mean and hurtful ways?
• Do you find yourself mistreating your partner and sometimes feeling as if you are possessed or two different people?
• When you feel close to someone, do you often find yourself shutting down or becoming full of rage toward him or her?
• Do you mock your partner or become very uncomfortable when he or she cries or expresses vulnerability?
• When you feel sad or hurt, do you often turn to anger or rage or isolate in depression?
• Do you overreact to conflict with extreme engagement or avoidance?
• Are you easily startled?
• Do you find yourself struggling with violent thoughts on a regular basis?
• Do you push others away with sarcasm, ridicule, or abuse when they are getting too close?
• Do you push away people you love and care about by using anger to protect yourself from being hurt?
• Do you have visions or fantasies of hurting those you love?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you should consider getting professional help if only to explore any questions you have or to get more information. If you think you may be suffering from the effects of trauma, go see a professional who is trained in treating trauma.
Sometimes the damage is painfully obvious and sometimes it is subtle, hidden, and insidious—living behind the doors of suburban homes on golf courses. Behind the painted-on public smiles of families struggling to keep it together. In the menacing sneer of the criminal—the last one for whom you want to feel compassion—who made a decision when crying himself to sleep one more time, that he would never be hurt again. Or the man who finds it impossible to remain in a relationship and is afraid he is going to spend the rest of his life alone. Or the young bully beating the shit out of the boy he is sure is gay. The list goes on. I have no doubt that most of the violence, aggression, and rage we see in this world comes from unrecognized and untreated trauma. That violence is unacceptable and inexcusable, but it won’t end until we see it clearly and address it with both compassion and accountability.
I have no doubt that most of the violence, aggression, and rage we see in this world comes from unrecognized and untreated trauma. That violence is unacceptable and inexcusable, but it won’t end until we see it clearly and address it with both compassion and accountability.
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Part of what happens with trauma is that we write a story—or narrative in therapeutic parlance—about ourselves, and we live in that story as if it were true. We forget that we made it up. We forget that we can change the story at any time. In fact, a core part of trauma therapy is the reframing of the narrative. Of course, you can rewrite it all you want, but there is deeper work to be done. For me, it required gut-wrenching, curled-in-a-ball, give-anything-to-have-this demon-exorcised emotional work. As the saying goes: There is no way out but through. There is certainly nothing fair about it all. The sooner you let go of that idea of life needing to be fair, the easier it will be for you to find peace through all of the rubbish, all of those distorted beliefs and behavior patterns.
By doing the personal work, I have been able to put all of my past experiences into perspective and have been freed to create a new narrative for my life. I can acknowledge that much of my upbringing was far from healthy, safe or loving. I can also say honestly that I understand today that my parents did the best they could, and that so much—if not all—of their behavior was never personal. I was often caught in the line of fire but rarely ever the actual target. I can also feel immense gratitude for the path my life has taken— especially after having spent the past week working with prisoners sentenced to life in a maximum security prison. (But for the Grace of God there go I.) I have even been able to find fleeting moments of gratitude for all the pain I have experienced in my life because it has made me the man I am today. My narrative has changed dramatically, especially in the past seven years. Again, you cannot will this to happen—you have to dig down deep, grab the strongest hands you can find to help you, and do the work. Over and over. But it is worth it. There is no way out but through and on the other end is a life you cannot even imagine. You will know a new freedom and a new peace.
This is where we have to start: by eradicating the stigma of men talking about abuse, while making sure we also connect it to men’s violence and acknowledging when we have been perpetrators of abuse.
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I have been getting a lot of people thanking me for writing about trauma and speaking openly about these issues. I hope it generates a lot more men writing about the topic from as many perspectives as possible. This is where we have to start: by eradicating the stigma of men talking about abuse, while making sure we also connect it to men’s violence and acknowledging when we have been perpetrators of abuse. In addition to Tyler Perry and the Oprah “200 Men” show, Sugar Ray Leonard may have done as much in that vein with his recent autobiography. More male voices are starting to break the silence. If you are fortunate—or determined enough—you will find the love and support you need. Nothing kills more men than the foolish belief that we have to do everything on our own, though sadly we come by it very honestly. That mentality permeates so much of our experience. You will find your own path to healing, but not if you do not look for it and take the first steps. The most important advice I can give is to take the journey; you will never regret it, though there could very well be times when you are in such pain you wonder if it is worth it. I can say without hesitation that it is, and it will always be. That is a Promise.
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Photo: Oldrebel on Flickr
Dan, thanks for writing about this important area of men’s health. I, too, have been working in these areas for many years. I agree that trauma is at the root of many of the problems, including aggression and violence, that men experience. Many men feel ashamed at their anger, then feel ashamed for being ashamed. Bringing these issues out in the open is crucial for understanding and healing. I have a new book coming out next year that addresses one of the important issues related to trauma. It’s called From Madness to Manhood: Healing the Father Wound You Didn’t Know… Read more »
I have no doubt that most of the violence, aggression, and rage we see in this world comes from unrecognized and untreated trauma. That violence is unacceptable and inexcusable, but it won’t end until we see it clearly and address it with both compassion and accountability. This is crucial. All too often I seen where the past trauma of males is brushed to the side (while at the same time activly looking for the past trauma in women’s lives). I’ve even seen in DV pamphelettes where a violent man’s past abuse are written off as excusues (no that is not… Read more »
1. Identify with the aggressor; 2. Reenactment of the pain of ambivalence they’ve received from once loving hands from major female role-models who sided with or were ineffective against patriarchal influenced men (the cycle continues); 3. Capitulation, decompensation, isolation, the sullen silent man-child against the world (add in the bottle, bong, needle, pill, a line of coke… ) As Dan and others before have repeated: THE ONLY WAY OUT OF THE PAIN IS TO GO THROUGH IT; THE ONLY WAY TO GO THROUGH IT IS TO EMBRACE IT! (TOTALLY against the way most of us, and many of those we’ve… Read more »
Your second point really sounds like you’re trying to avoid holding those once loving female role models.
I’m all for men being able to embrace the pain as part of working through it. Merely pointing out that’s not likely to happen as people actively prevent men from being able to do so.
Your second point really sounds like you’re trying to avoid holding those once loving female role models…responsible.
CJ: The past year sounds very promising! There may be free counseling in your state under the ‘Victims of Crime Act’ (VOCA). Yes, child abuse is a crime! The centers may be in health centers, large hospitals, or possibly partial aspects of child and family service agencies. It sounds like you’re doing the ‘seeking’….so you will find….when you do, that’s the time for ‘asking’ (about the ‘big’ stuff)….and you will receive…First, it may be time to start ‘knocking’ (figuratively)…on those doors that will eventually open for you.
I made a long comment on one of your earliest posts and this, once again, hits so close to home. So many of these things are mirrored in my life, unfortunately, though I am definitely one of the ones who isolates themselves and is self-destructive rather than outwardly aggressive. I am the perennial victim and my life has definitely been EXTREMELY unfair. I basically answered yes to every question except the ones about loved ones (haven’t any) and partners (never have had one) and the one about being mean and aggressive to other people. (though I do fantasize about being… Read more »
I have to agree with Warren, CJ, First, your posts are heartbreaking and amazingly honest. Remember – you have a story about your life and you have the ability to change that. Seek and you shall find. It starts with asking the Universe (or God) for help and then it unfolds. It is painful but it is not accurate to say you have to go and relive it – that is a myth by some therapists. You do not need to feel what you have been stuffing or running from but you come alive. You talk about an empty husk… Read more »
The silence from the men is deafening…. Look in the mirror guys (behind a locked door if you’re a family man and/or with roommates) and ask yourself, “Where is that goofy, cool, adventurous, meat-headed, curious, scared, Sesame Street watchin’, comic book reading, cookie stealin’ little rascal?” Oh, I’ll answer for us: He’s right there behind that machismo-stained, engrained, love won and lost, sand-kicked-in the faced, bullied, or bullier, scared by the anger in mother, father, neighbor or stranger, horrified by the dog, and that tom-boy of a girl that got ran over, whose image won’t leave you alone, and did… Read more »
Amen Warren!
Thank you, Dan. “Nothing kills more men than the foolish belief that we have to do everything on our own…” –> Both my beloved, now ex-, husband and I were hardwired with this belief from early in life, and it was a big factor in the breakdown of our marriage. We cannot heal in isolation — and I wonder if men get a double dose of the imperative for ‘rugged individualism’ (= staunch aloneness) through both the stereotypical expectations placed on their gender, and through trauma. It is heart-rending to witness a vital and *gentle* man locking himself away from… Read more »
Hi Jay – God only knows how many relationships have died on the altar of our rugged individualism. Mine sure as hell almost did…part of why this is my mission…it is very painful to know that you have a good heart and yet you find yourself constantly hurting others…please share with others
Dan,
This is a wonderful article that I will share with my friends and clients. As a therapist who works with trauma every day in my office, I see first hand the pain men silently suffer. Thank you for your work and bringing this to light.
Michelle Barone MA LMFT DCEP
Certified Neuro Emotional Technique Practitioner
So. California
Thanks Michelle. Please do share – with anyone and everyone. I was just at a national drug court conference the past two days and I attended two presentations on trauma and there was no discussion about the very real different way that men and women experience trauma. Thanks!