Most Relationships Shouldn’t Last

One of the most commonly held beliefs about relationships is that successful ones last a long time.

This is why we celebrate milestone anniversaries such as 25, 30, 40, 50 and 60 years. After all, what could be better than two people facing the trials of life together for five decades or longer?

The problem is that all this comes from a Disney fairy tale version of relationships that doesn’t exist in the real world.

What if I told you that a focus on longevity is the key reason why relationships are so terrible today?

The reason for this is because most long-lasting relationships are built on ‘compromise’ between the two partners …

Modern Relationship Advice Has a Serious Fetish with Compromise

On the surface, this seems so, so reasonable.

I give up a little bit of what I want and you give up a little bit of what you want, so we can meet in the middle and go forward together.

Let’s say this a little differently …

I repress my genuine wants & needs and you repress your genuine wants & needs so we can both pretend to be happy about a situation that fails to meet what either of us really want.

Doesn’t sound quite as romantic when you say it this way, but that’s the reality.

Of course, this is a ‘best case’ compromise where both people sacrifice.

What happens when the ‘compromise’ is more one-sided?

In my experience with over two decades of unhappy marriage is that ‘compromise’ is code for conforming with social expectations from family, church, friends, etc.

Since I was the one who wanted to go against convention, the ‘compromise’ was always for me to water down whatever I wanted to do and push it so low on the family priorities that it never happens in a meaningful way.

For example … I didn’t like my corporate job and wanted to do something on my own that I found more fulfilling. (True Story)

At the time, we had a 3,800 square foot house on 3 acres, 2 kids in private school, 2 dogs, 2 cats and 6 chickens, with me as sole provider.

So we “compromised” and kept everything basically the same while I “did my little business” (her words) on the side.

Guess how successful it was?

It went nowhere, because I didn’t have time or resources to invest in it. I was trying to address my wants & needs with leftovers instead of making them a priority.

Did you notice how the “compromise” meant that she changed nothing and I had to water down my passion until it was small enough to fit into the leftovers of our current existence.

Spoiler Alert: Our relationship didn’t work, and was a biblical pain to unwind because of our ungodly complicated life and my feelings of guilt over creating unnecessary disruption in the lives of my kids.

Ok … if Compromise is so bad, why do so many people advocate for it?

The answer to this question gets back to the title of this article … people measure the success of relationships based on their longevity rather than whether they meet the wants & needs of all the people involved.

Compromise is about making people less miserable so it’s tolerable to stay together.

The idea of compromise started in the era of arranged marriages where people were joined for the purpose of preserving property. In these situations, it was critically important to keep the relationships together since family bloodlines and land rights were tied to the union.

Because of this, it was necessary to ‘compromise’ so that the marriage could be preserved.

However, the Victorian era ended a long time ago, and pushing old social conventions onto contemporary people has been backfiring … badly.

‘Compromise’ is How Relationships Become Codependent and Resentful

The notion of compromise is based on the idea of sharing pain.

What this necessarily does is create a situation where one (or both) people feel that they have needed to ‘give’ to the other person for the purpose of enabling the longevity of the relationship.

When this involves a person who has low self esteem, or who has been conditioned for people pleasing, the result can very rapidly descend into codependency.

The other alternative is a build-up of unmet wants & needs that becomes resentment.

The result typically ends up being one person who projects guilt over the amount of sacrifices they have had to make for the relationship and another person who represses feelings of resentment until they explode as angry outbursts.

The worst part is that a mutually dysfunctional Codependent-Resentful relationship, which persists for multiple decades will be celebrated as a “success” by all of their friends & family.

I have seen this in my family … 40, 50, 60 year marriages where there is little intimacy, no sex, and the primary method of coping is to avoid too much direct contact with one another.

If this is the model of a successful relationship, then the definition of success is flawed.

OK Mr. Smarty Pants … What Makes For a Successful Relationship?

The answer to this question is both simple and complex.

A successful relationship happens when two people are compatible and can be happy and fulfilled together without the expectation that either person change.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it.

The thing is that achieving this kind of relationship requires a tremendous level of self-awareness and self-advocacy on the part of both people.

You need to really understand what you do and don’t want.
You need to have overcome the conditioning to people please.
You need to be willing to advocate for yourself without being judgmental.
You need to hold space for thoughts & priorities that are different from your own.
You need to have overcome the expectation that other people change for you.
Need to be comfortable enough with yourself to refrain from relying on the relationship for your sense of self.
There are more bullets you can add, but it really comes down to being self-aware and emotionally mature.

When the goal shifts from having a long relationship to having a compatible one, the required actions completely change.

The first critical element for maintaining a compatible relationship is self work

If you are not emotionally mature, the probability you will be able to establish and maintain a compatible relationship is zero.

If you lack emotional maturity, compromise is probably the best you will be able to do.

Because of this, if you are feeling lonely or frustrated with romantic activities, the best thing you can do is to work on yourself so you are ready for a truly compatible relationship when the opportunity for one presents itself.

More specifically, understand what things will be ‘deal breakers’ where a compatible relationship won’t be workable.

With that said, it’s important to be mature with this. If everything is a ‘deal breaker’ it pushes you into a box where nobody is an acceptable match or you pressure people to suppress parts of themselves for the purpose of appeasing you. (A big no-no if you want a compatible relationship)

The result of this mental exercise will be a clear picture of what is most important to you, which items are deal breakers, and the emotional awareness to let go of all the other quirks & eccentricities.

The second critical thing that will be required is patience

In order to establish a compatible relationship, it will require your partner possess (or be eager to develop) the level of emotional maturity necessary to sustain a mutually fulfilling relationship without projecting an imperative for the other person to change.

There aren’t a lot of people out there with this level of awareness, so it may take a little time to connect.

The good part is that it will become relatively easy to identify the people who are still operating in the compromise paradigm and projecting a desire for other people to change.

Because of this, if you are looking for compatibility, most of your relationships are not likely to last long … and that’s a good thing.

The longer a relationship lasts, the more complex your co-created life gets, and the harder it will be to unravel the relationship. (Spoken from experience)

It is far better to cut off relationships that are not headed toward true compatibility vs. holding on to a Disney fantasy that does not hold out in reality.

Final Thoughts

I would like to end this article by coming back to the thought that most relationships truly should not last.

The reason for this is because most relationships are rooted in the idea of compromise, which results in a dysfunctional codependency-resentment dynamic that is concealed by fake smiles.

We can’t expect a better result out of romantic relationships from doing the same things.

There needs to be a new method if we are going to achieve better results.

If you have read this far, please accept my humble thanks. Your time is valuable, and I appreciate you spending it with me.

I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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