My 13-Year-Old’s Sexy Hashtag Is Killing Me

Dear Other Dad —

Following a TikTok trend, my daughter has started using the hashtag #bipride and posted pictures of her with her female friends. I’m not comfortable with her talking about sexuality in a public forum — she’s 13 and isn’t even at a point to be sexual herself. She says this is not about sex. How do I help her see that it is?

— Mom

There are two reasons you and your daughter can’t see eye to eye on this. To start with, she’s a teenager, which means viewing all your unsolicited opinions with the particular mix of pity and disdain that the young have always reserved for the “old.” More than that, she’s a teenager now. As I wrote about in last week’s column, your daughter is part of a generation that sees topics of sexuality through a lens that is unlike that of any generation before.

Here’s some framing: Your daughter has only lived in a world in which LGBTQ people were visibly part of the cultural mix. To be sure, out LGBTQ identities are still not the majority, but neither are they rare nor universally required to be secret. Same-sex marriage was legal in parts of the U.S. before she was born; it’s been legal nationwide since she was seven. The next year saw the first out bisexual Governor and there have been out LGBTQ members of Congress ever since. There have been out bisexual celebs from the Disney Channel to the Billboard charts, from the Oscars to YouTube. And, yes, plenty on TikTok.

Exposure to these celebs means she has ample evidence that sexuality is a facet of a life, not its definition. Your daughter may idolize a YouTuber with a fashion vlog who is bisexual, but it’s likely because she loves the unboxing videos or back-to-school haul episodes, not because she is imagining the sex life of the vlogger. This is why you’re at cross-purposes: she’s thinking about bi identity as a piece of a mosaic, but your concern makes it the complete artwork.

If your daughter instead filled her social media feed with memes about K-Pop boy bands and the hashtag #iloveBTS, would you immediately assume that she was signaling a desire to have sex with the members? If she filled a Pinterest board with future wedding dress ideas, would you immediately start picturing her wedding night? These aren’t perfect analogies, but what I’m going for is the idea that straight kids casually signal their romantic identities all the time and in myriad ways without being subject to scrutiny over whether it counts as sexual messaging.

Your daughter identifying as bi might simply reflect that she thinks of boys and girls as equally cute or that her crushes so far have not been limited to one gender. Like most kids her age, she’s starting to figure out who she likes and who she hopes might someday like her back. That doesn’t have to be sexual. Or, at least, not only sexual.

The other side of the coin is that 13 is a perfectly appropriate age for her to be thinking about sexuality. Even if you hate to consider it, her body is talking to her now and she may be trying to listen. She’s likely already discovered the powerful physical sensations that can come from proximity to others (or even just thoughts about them). And it’s not at all uncommon for peers this age to explore these feelings with their friends.

It’s understandable that you would not want your daughter to engage in sexual activity yet (and, trust me, as a dad to teen, I feel you). But that’s a very different thing than believing she isn’t a sexual being at all.

Try to remember your first sexual feelings or sexual awareness; I wouldn’t be surprised if it was at an age younger than your parents would have wanted to know about. At that age, how much did sexual feelings actually dictate your life? How quickly did those feelings lead to the beginning of your sex life?

For the majority of kids, life at 13 is focused on a whole lot more than sex: friends, family, school, sports, activities, and how they relate to all of the above. I’d wager the same is true for your daughter. If she is saying that the #bipride hashtag isn’t about sex, she likely means it. She’s probably more excited to identify with other kids like her. You should be thrilled that this is possible.

You should still have some conversations, though, the same kind parents should have with any teen, whether or not she’s bi. Talk about what to do if someone responds to her innocent posts with inappropriate comments; give her tools on how to shut down anyone’s attempts to sexualize her (and what to do afterward). You could set clear expectations about things like the age of people she interacts with on social media, to what degree her profiles will be public or private, and which behaviors you do or don’t find acceptable.

You’re still the mama bear and guarding your early teen is your job. But you can be alert for danger without projecting it onto a situation where none is yet present. Let her actual behavior lead your response; deal with the real child before you, not the one you imagine in your worst-case scenario.

Try not to judge a girl by her hashtag. Instead, be supportive and loving enough to earn one of your own: #greatmom.

Send your questions to Your Other Dad to [email protected]

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Previously Published on medium

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