Both friendships and romantic interests in life can sometimes bring a turning point after which whether for better or worse outcomes, life is never the same. A lot of times the person you have energy for gets blamed for these changes, but, for me anyway, a lot of it was just me.
First, when it comes to my interests “changing,” criticism that has focused on the person I have had energy for seems to come at the expense of the timing when I met him. I had just emerged from a long term, complex, very difficult period. I was not entirely sure if the difficulty would really be over or if it would continue in new ways.
Nonetheless, I always expected that if God delivered me from hell, I would get back to living my dreams, to being more independent, to being responsible for living a “normal” life, to making up for lost time in my career and other dreams. The man in question presented me with his incredible person who had accomplished so many specific achievements that wildly appealed to me that I had trouble believing him sometimes. How could so much greatness fit into one being? He did not change my dreams, but his accomplishments were a profound reminder to me that it was possible for so many dreams to come true in one lifetime.
Also, I was very determined to overcome all the evil in my life with good. I never wanted anyone to feel the way I did when I did not receive help. I had some challenges in getting to know the lay of the land in terms of local charities, so his self made opportunities that helped our overall community and also specific individuals meant the world to me. I admire the ways he brings so much joy to others. People are so happy that someone thinks of them and listens to them and is kind to them and makes things better the way that he does. He is the kind of gift to others that I aspire to be. He finds people where they are and transforms things they did not think could change for the better.
I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, He will not ask, ‘How many good things have you done in your life?’ rather He will ask, ‘How much love did you put into what you did?
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– Mother Teresa
Sometimes someone comes along that helps you to be more aware of what has been in your own heart. They do not change you but help you to accept yourself for who you have wanted to be for some time. I shoved so many parts of myself into cramped little compartments so that I could endure and not think too much about all I had lost, but then I met this man and realized it was time to put myself back together again. I really really wanted to live and to live on larger terms. I did not want to just look up to my favorite rock stars and Bible figures forever, I wanted to live out some of the overcoming qualities in them that had been so inspiring to me when I was going through difficult times.
When I feel like the man I have had some energy for is getting blamed for “terrible” things that either I don’t believe were his fault or were his fault but were not terrible at all, I feel like I am still in some impossible situation that I hope my faith brings deliverance from. I feel so much sadness that good things could be viewed as such the opposite. I feel like it is more convenient for him to be made into a villain instead of looking at other things that are the actual source of heartache. I want all of those verses in the Bible that are encouraging promises to others to apply to me too. I wish everyone could find some peace. I am tired of other people turning me into a vessel for drama and hurt. I want my existence to be a blessing and not a curse.
I hold on to my own dreams and to my awe of the dreams this man has accomplished, I take to heart extraordinarily thoughtful and wise advice I have received from others, I pray for the best to happen to everyone involved, and I refuse to be scared into giving up on the progress God has given me in rebuilding my life. That is how I’ve got this.
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