If you’re like most people whose ex left them for someone else, you’re likely dejected, perhaps even depressed. You’re also probably obsessed with getting them back. So much that you completely overlook the following truths:
- Your ex leaving you for someone else is a reason for celebration.
- Your ex leaving you for someone else is a signal for much-needed self-improvement.
- Your ex was planning to leave you for someone else weeks or months before they did it.
- Getting back with an ex who left you for someone else probably isn’t a good idea.
The funny thing about these truths is that most “breakup experts” hide them from you. This is understandable since revealing them would result in fewer sales and thus less profit. I mean, no one wants to hear them. After all, they fucking hurt. Most people simply prefer to be lied to.
But on the other hand, not hearing and, perhaps more importantly, internalizing these truths leads you to make some pretty brain-dead decisions:
- It can lead you to conclude something’s inherently wrong with you and that you’re a bad or worthless person.
- It can lead you to re-make the same mistakes that brought about the death of your current relationship in the next.
- It can lead to doing all kinds of mental gymnastics that only trigger needless suffering.
- It can lead you to give another chance to someone who doesn’t deserve it — someone who will only hurt you again.
So to help you fend off these bad decisions and cultivate a healthy and joyous love life (be that with your ex or someone else), here are our four truths — undressed and gutted, in all their beautiful sadness.
Truth #1: Your Ex Leaving You For Someone Else Is a Reason for Celebration
If your ex left you for someone else, it’s because they value self-gratification over intimacy.
Think of self-gratification as the need to do something selfish that feels good in the moment (i.e., indulge in good food, get lots of sleep, work very little, have good sex, etc.) and intimacy as the need for closeness, connectedness, familiarity, and being loved.
So if a person prioritizes self-gratification over intimacy in their relationship, they will stop sacrificing for it and cheat. Whereas if they prioritize intimacy over self-gratification, they will willingly sacrifice some of it to remain faithful.
This brings us to why your ex cheated in the first place. Stemming from the theory above, there are two valid reasons.
- The first is because they’re a shallow and selfish person that needs to be gratified constantly.
- The second — which we’ll cover later — is because your relationship failed to provide sufficient intimacy.
Let’s focus on the first reason your ex left you for someone else. Here’s what went on in their mind: they essentially favored banging someone else over deferring their gratification in favor of having a committed and healthy relationship with you.
The self-gratifying cheater comes in two types:
1. A person who always focuses on their own gratification because they feel so miserable about themselves and their life that they need to make themselves feel good to cover it all up. For example: deadbeats, losers, slackers, drunks, druggies, and social parasites.
2. A person who always focuses on their own gratification because they are in power and have no one to say “no” to them. Note that this could but doesn’t always relate to social power. We can also plop someone with complete control and authority in their romantic relationship in this category.
The point of all this is to say that you’ve dodged a bullet by breaking up with your ex. The fact that they left you for someone else reflects an inherent character flaw — a flaw you don’t want to risk having in a serious partner. So pour yourself a drink and celebrate.
Truth #2: Your Ex Leaving You For Someone Else Is A Signal For Much-Needed Self-Improvement
As I mentioned earlier, your ex left you for someone else because your relationship lacked sufficient intimacy. This means you’ve likely been turning them off somehow and, as a result, proliferated their resentment and misery.
Here are two examples of how people pull off this maneuver with their ex:
1. They cultivated a relationship where one person feels as though they “do everything” for the other — they take care of them, give them everything they want, perhaps even support them. While you may think you were a healthy partner doing this, you were actually toxic. Because when you took care of all of your ex’s problems, you’ve shown them that there are no repercussions for their actions. And if there are no repercussions for their actions, no matter how disrespectful they are toward you, you’re just inviting (in psych terms, “enabling”) them to give you more of the same shitty treatment.
2. They cultivated a relationship riddled with possessiveness and jealousy. If you constantly nagged your ex about giving you their phone or looked through it without permission, or you demanded they tell you where they are going and with who they are meeting up, or you got pissed off if they didn’t return your call in a certain timeframe — these are all instances of possessiveness and jealousness. And it’s these instances that made your ex cheat. I mean, you’ve already been treating them like they have cheated.
The main problem here is awareness; most people don’t detect their ex was miserable and resented them. Instead, they feel as though everything was fun and fellatio. Therefore, self-improvement is paramount.
You not only need to develop greater awareness; you also must learn from the mistakes of your ex-relationship, resolve the emotional issues that led you to make them, and avoid repeating them in your next relationship.
Truth #3: Your Ex Was Planning To Leave You For Someone Else Weeks Or Months Before They Did It
Most people think their ex left them for someone else on a whim. The truth is, however, they’ve been planning to do it for weeks or even months before they’ve actually betrayed you.
It was, in fact, during this reflective period that they got over you and gathered enough courage to cheat in the first place. After all, they had plenty of time to mourn your relationship and relinquish any emotional attachment for you. And your replacement definitely made your ex’s disconnect as painless as possible.
Even worse, your ex likely indicated they’re losing attraction and that you keep turning them off somehow — and that there is someone else in the background. Maybe they even outright told you what you’re doing wrong and tried to help you revive your relationship.
But since you’re here, you were probably so intoxicated by your own high attraction that you completely overlooked your ex’s hints, aid, and gradual decline in attraction. That is until it was already too late.
Truth #4: Getting Back With An Ex Who Left You For Someone Else Probably Isn’t A Good Idea
In fact, it’s likely a shitty one…
Look. For the most part, rekindling infidelity-ridden relationships simply doesn’t work out. In 9 out of 10 cases, you should break up. This is the sad reality.
Countless studies have shown that a person who cheats once will most likely cheat again — be that in the same or a different relationship. I don’t know about you, but for this reason alone, I wouldn’t risk rekindling things with a cheater. Ever.
That said, if you do decide to stride down the shit-stained road of mending things, know that if you succeed, everything will be different. Your reformed relationship will rarely resemble its original form.
Another tip you should tattoo on your forehead is to always be willing to walk away. If you’re an avid reader of my blog, this comes as no surprise. One of the healthiest and most empowering mindsets you can cultivate is the willingness to leave behind unsatisfying relationships.
If you do rekindle things, I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to make the relationship work. I’m not saying you should desire to leave. I’m not even saying the grass is always greener on the other side.
All I’m saying is, be better. Have higher standards. Have more self-respect. If you’re in a relationship that’s making you feel like shit, stop being a fucking pussy and pull the damn plug.
Have the balls to bury your old world and make a fresh canvas for constructing a new and better one.
Previously Published on maxjancar.com