Q: Can I ask your thoughts on not being fully truthful. For example: “I’m tired and we can’t catch up tonight.”, but then she was seen out – hitting the town. When is it normal to expect the truth or is it now normal that people are not 100% truthful in relationships anymore.
A: Not that I’m aware of! I suppose there are times in life where the little white lie is for the greatest good of all, but not here. First of all, a couple of things may be going on: 1) She’s lacking the self-esteem to look you in the eye and tell you the truth or even write to you and tell you the truth. There is some level of lack of self-esteem or lack of communication ability to know that telling the truth really builds connection, trust, and intimacy. That is her work to do. 2) Or it is very possible that in the past she said “Hey, I want to go out with my friends tonight.” and you mad her feel really guilty, so now she’s lying about it. I don’t know what happening but I am saying that could be, that you are not safe to tell the truth to without getting upset, making her feel guilty, or blowing up so that she doesn’t tell you the truth anymore.
Overall, it sounds like you guys don’t have a clear deal, a clear arrangement, a clear communication about how you are going to spend time with your friends and each other. Lay out how your relationship is going to look so it can work. This conversation should take place from the get-go so that these kind of misunderstandings don’t happen and hurt your heart. It’s really great at the end of every week to check-in and see how you can love that person more, improve the relationship, and/or comprehend what you may not be understanding clearly. It’s like a recap of the week so that there’s no elephants in the living room and you nip everything in the bud and you get closer and trust each other more over the weeks and years you are together. So that would be my recommendation.
How can I help you? Go to gethertosayyes.com – that is my free report and video series for men, where it’s going to support you on how to be centered – not blaming, not judgmental of self or other, and really have this conversation with her. It will help you there and in a lot of other ways to be a noble badass.
Ladies, if this is something you do – sort of tell white lies, it’s really very emasculating to the gentlemen. You, in your confidence and saying in your feminine, “It would make me so happy if I could go out with my girlfriends tonight. I don’t want you to think that I don’t want to be with you; but, whenever I go out with them I feel even more grateful for you.” That is the kind of communication he needs. I have this wonderful DVD called Radiance. You can find it by going to allanapratt.com/shop. I think it would be really great for someone who is really having difficulty speaking their truth and asking for what they want. To go through that 6-week curriculum – it’s got interviews and dancing videos – it is really thorough – about 9 hours of training, where you are going to go through every single layer, come HOME, feel safe, approved of, and connected to yourself on the inside so that you don’t need an external circumstance to be enough. You can just ask for what you want and say the truth, and even if they don’t like it, you can still stay centered, connected to yourself, happy with yourself. So if you are a lady, I think this would very helpful in this particular situation.
Thank you for your questions and until next time, I love you so much!
Answers are in video.
This post was previously published on allanapratt.com and is republished here with permission from the author.
Have you read the original anthology that was the catalyst for The Good Men Project? Buy here: The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Photo credit: istockphoto