My Husband Wanted to Win Arguments

“Colleen,” said my husband. “You’re never going to win.”

I should’ve left the first time I heard him utter these words. Instead, I responded by saying, “If you think there’s winning and losing in love, you’ve already lost.”

My husband may have spoken these words out loud.

But many people operate with this mentality.

It’s exhausting.

It’s frustrating. It can destroy relationships. It can make the person on the other side of the relationship feel crazy. It can make the same argument live on repeat for years.

But that doesn’t deter those who seek to ‘win’ arguments.

Their ego won’t step aside long enough to listen.

A difference of opinion shouldn’t lead to a competition. It should lead to a resolution. If not immediately, with some amount of time. Love shouldn’t be combative.

Years ago, I was told many relationships end because one person emotionally outgrows the other. I would agree. I emotionally outgrew my husband’s exhaustive need to win.

He was physically an adult.

He was emotionally a child.

I, on the other hand, had made the decision to grow up. We all have that choice. I hadn’t started out that much differently than my husband. There was a day when my ego was immature.

There was a time when I found a difference of opinion threatening.

A day when I needed others to think as I did.

But then I graduated.

You could say I physically graduated from school. But I emotionally graduated in my 20s. I was no longer an adolescent. I realized the need to emotionally mature.

I’ve devoted more than a decade to counseling, research, and writing about love and relationships. There are complexities and simplicities to love.

When the ego remains immature I believe there are commonalities.

An immature ego is a threatened one. It feels the need to be right. It feels the need to be in control. It needs others to think exactly as it thinks. This means an immature ego is a disrespectful one.

Likewise, I believe a mature ego has distinct commonalities.

A mature ego is not threatened. It does not feel the need to be right. It does not feel the need to be in control. It does not need others to think exactly as it thinks. This means a mature ego is a respectful one.

In a nutshell…

A disrespectful individual has an immature ego.

It hasn’t grown up. Disrespectful people tend to be controlling, threatened by differences of opinion, and have a need to be right. They want to win an argument. They do not want to allow others their differences, or opinions.

A respectful individual has a mature ego.

It’s emotionally evolved. Respectful people tend to be good communicators. They are not threatened by differences of opinion. They are not controlling. They do not have a need to be right. They do not need to win arguments.

A disrespectful person needs you to be who they want you to be.

A respectful person allows you to be who you are.

They transmit two contrasting forms of love

“Respectful people see you for who you truly are. Disrespectful people make you feel bad about who you are. They send a contradictory message, ‘I love you but I don’t like you.’”—Colleen Sheehy Orme

It does not feel good to be in a disrespectful relationship.

It’s a continuum of conflict.

You do not feel heard.

It can make you feel frustrated, crazy, and exhausted. It can make you repeatedly attempt to resolve an issue with an individual who is incapable of conflict resolution.

It’s futile.

Unless an individual, makes a decision to emotionally grow up. And learn how to better communicate with those in their lives. It’s worth the endeavor.

It leads to calmer and happier relationships. It allows a person to become authentically confident, rather than to simply project confidence.

It’s the difference between an immature and a mature ego.

“Arguments aren’t meant to be won. They’re meant to be resolved.” — Colleen Sheehy Orme

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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