My Not-So-Serious New Year's Resolutions

With the new year, it’s time to get our new goals out! Is everyone excited? Of course, you are. If there is anything that everyone loves, it’s self-reflection and concentrating on our failures from last year. But there is no need to keep it only to the big lists. Let’s mix it up for a change and make some new year’s resolutions that we can actually meet.

Eat at least one vegetable a day. Ketchup counts as a vegetable because it’s made from a tomato. So that counts.
One push-up to get off the couch a day. Gotta work on that health.
To write at least one important thought a week. This week’s important thought: I wonder if my big toe is upset that the little toe ran away from the market? That’s some Plato-level thinking there.
Share my love of donuts with the world. Done.
Quit smoking. No biggie since I don’t smoke. These are the kind of resolutions that I can appreciate.
Take a daily walk to my refrigerator.
Stop screaming at social media. Hmm, this one seems a bit more involved than the others.
Stop screaming at the once again rising Covid-19 infection rates. Hey hold-up, this is getting more serious.
When virtual schooling comes, don’t hide in the closet while I wonder if I have what it takes to once again teach my children in a nightmarish school hell. No! This is supposed to be a funny list!
When my daughter asks why people love to hate, don’t just shrug my shoulders and start cussing.
Never compare 2022 to 2021 or 2020, even though it feels like we are in a groundhog day situation where we have to wear masks, there’s a whole load of people that are “scientists” and won’t get vaccinated, and Betty White isn’t here anymore to make the world a better place.
Share my love of donuts with the world. Good, now we are getting back to the funny. Well, even though it’s tougher to get a donut now because of the Great Resignation because a bunch of people were laid off during a pandemic and told good luck. And then when they are needed those workers to come back, of course, they didn’t because the pay isn’t worth the abuse or the risk. They found a way to make it through in a number of ways, and oh God we can’t get donuts anymore.
Stop at least one person screaming at my donut person. This one is important! I need the donuts!
Don’t think about the out-of-control medical bills a ton of people now have because they got Covid and aren’t covered by insurance because they were laid off during the pandemic. Nope, not going to think about the million-dollar bills that so many families have right now. If I don’t think about it, that means it’s not happening, right?
Stop making new year’s resolutions because this isn’t going the way I planned at all.
Move to a cave in the Ozark mountains and hope that the mountain lions have been vaccinated.
To focus on something I can control in my life, like the specter of climate change that we can’t act on, and dear lord I’ve left my cave when I promised I wouldn’t do that.
Never leave the cave.
Join a possum playgroup for socialization.