“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” — Brené Brown

Relationships are messy. They bring up a lot of our stuff.
Things we thought were long gone, buried, healed, dealt with, resurface in ways we never expected.

Before being in love, I thought I had done the work. I thought I was “healed.”
I was reading the right books, meditating, journaling, reflecting, doing everything a self-aware person should.
But then I fell in love. And love had other plans.

It turns out that what I thought was healed was just hidden.
Tucked away in corners of my body, in patterns I had been suppressed.

Romantic relationships, in that sense, became one of my greatest mirrors. And one of the biggest things it showed me was something I had carried for a long time but never truly realized: the fear of losing myself in love.

I’ve always been empathetic to the point of emotional absorption. I took in people’s energy like a sponge- both negative and positive.

I made their problems my responsibility.
If someone I loved was suffering, I felt like I was the one responsible for fixing it. For making it better. Carrying their weight. And I just thought I was kind, but it turned out to be codependency.
I gave and gave and gave, thinking it was love. But it was fear. Fear of being abandoned. Fear of not being needed. Fear of not being enough on my own.

And then I met someone healthy. Someone kind. Someone who truly saw me. Someone who didn’t want to take from me, but truly wanted to know me.
And that scared me even more. Because for the first time, I couldn’t hide behind self-sacrifice. I had to show up as myself, not just as a caretaker. And so began the slow, difficult, deeply liberating journey of unlearning codependency.

Here are some things I’ve learned along the way:

1. Set Boundaries — Even When It Feels Uncomfortable

Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re clarity. They’re saying, this is where I end, and you begin. And for someone who has always blurred those lines, learning to set boundaries felt like I was committing a crime. Because all my life, having boundaries was seen as being “selfish”.
But boundaries have been the very thing that allowed me to stay in love without losing myself.

It is healthy to have a heart-to-heart with your partner about what your boundaries are in different aspects of life, be it emotional, physical or sexual.

2. Communicate Clearly — Instead of Expecting to Be Understood

For a long time, I expected the people I loved to just “get” me. To read my moods. To know what I needed. But that wasn’t fair to them or to me. Learning to communicate my needs clearly (without guilt, without drama) has saved our relationship more times than I can count.

It still takes a lot of effort from my side to truly understand that my partner is not a mind-reader

3. Have Your Own Hobbies, Goals & Dreams

It’s easy to get swept up in your partner’s world.
But I’ve realized how important it is to keep building my own life.
To pursue my own goals. To do things that light me up outside the relationship, too.
That’s what keeps me grounded.
That’s what reminds me: I am whole on my own.

We both actively encourage each other to have personal goals outside the relationship and to work on them consistently.

4. Nurture Other Relationships Too

When I was younger, love was supposed to be a bubble in my head. Watching Bollywood movies and growing up in a culture where codependency is promoted and seen as the epitome of love, ended up giving me fucked up views of love, which I had to deconstruct as I grew up.

Love doesn’t mean that you only need each other.
I need my friends. I need my family. I need spaces where I can show up as me, not as someone’s partner. Those relationships are anchors. They remind me who I am outside of romance.

5. Find a Balance Between Giving and Receiving

For years, I only knew how to give. And deep down, I was scared to receive because receiving meant being vulnerable.
But in healthy love, both matters.
Both are sacred.
Both of the partners give as well as receive.
Sometimes you need more love and support than usual and sometimes your partners does too.

So, it is about finding your own personal balance.

Losing myself in relationships used to feel inevitable. Now, I see that love doesn’t have to cost me.
in fact, the best kind of love doesn’t demand that.
It encourages the opposite.
To show up as yourself. To stand tall. To be full and flawed and real.

And I’m still learning. Still unlearning. Still choosing a kind of love that doesn’t ask me to disappear, but to become more of who I am.

— Anushka & Vishnu🐾