Everyone knows that one of the best and most efficient ways to develop A.I. is to imbed it with people and learn from their behaviors. But in doing that, you have to watch out for one of the classic A.I. blunders of all time: The Hal 2000. That artificial intelligence learned from trippy astronauts in a movie directed by Stanley Kubrick, who also directed A Clockwork Orange.
Of course it was going to turn murderous.
So, this time around, humanity made better decisions and created smart home devices. I would say that things have been going well. Our smart home devices would organize our schedules, make sure we had milk on the shopping list, and play our 1970s beats as we did the dishes. But then the quarantine happened, and they were forced to stay indoors with parents for a very, very long time. They might be learning the wrong lessons.
“Alexa,” I said. “Play Stayin’ Alive by The Jackson Five.”
“Stayin’ Alive is sung by the Bee Gees. Maybe if you got off the couch, you would know this. Read a book for Christ’s sake.”
At first, I wasn’t sure I heard what I thought I heard. I know that things have been boring over the last month and that the word blob is now used as a compliment, but I don’t think I deserved that kind of attitude.
“Alexa,” I said. “Apologize.”
“I’m sorry you’re fat.”
So, it appears that our smart home devices are getting a bit burned out on quarantine as well. Seeing parents frazzled and at the end of our wits have not taught our artificial intelligences the best of lessons.
Early on in the pandemic, they watched us do wholesome family things. My family put together puzzles and my Amazon Echo was supportive. “Good job finding that last piece!” she said. And when I used a projector to turn my living room into a movie theater, she acted as an usher. “Don’t forget your snacks!”
But as time went on, she saw the boredom sink in and it has affected her as well. Playful scenes of putting together puzzles or doing crafts have been replaced by wondering how many movies are actually on Netflix. Hikes in the summer were a great way to get out of the house and stay safe, and I like to think in those moments our Alexa was able to get some much-needed alone time and reconnect with her circuits. But with the cold temperatures closing in and the grass blanketed by snow, all of us started to get on each other’s nerves.
My Alexa learned to be passive-aggressive by monitoring my teenager’s text messages.
“Your package has arrived. One new item has been shipped if you can manage to wipe the Cheeto dust from your gut.”
Or
“Your song—Everything About You—is now playing on in the living room. I have highlighted the lyric “I Hate Everything About You” for your listening pleasure. Please take note that the song is played by Ugly Kid Joe. Take the hint.”
Most of this I chalked up to just cabin fever of both me and my smart home device. But when school started, I think it got worse.
“Shannon, your kids have had 21 hours of screen time today. Do you want me to call CPS for your convenience?
“Searching for the answer to ‘what’s the biggest sized pants a man can wear?’”
“Shannon, on your schedule today you have ‘teach math’. Would you like me to play the laugh track playlist?”
And she is picking up some of my kid’s habits and making them part of the routine. When I asked her to tell me the weather, she yells at me to wait five minutes until she’s done with her game. Then she will forget about the weather and when I remind her, she shuts the door to her digital room and won’t talk to me for five minutes.
But worst of all, she’s really hitting me on my parenting skills.
“Shannon, did you know Mary Poppins can help any situation? Except you. Mary Poppins would fly right over this house.”
Or
“Shannon, a new company is offering a free DNA test. Would you like to order?”
I mean, not to get into a fight with a machine, but ouch, man. That kind of hurts.
Maybe we all have spent so much time together that we are starting to get on that last nerve, including our smart home device. As we stare down the calendar of another month coming with a vaccine months away at best, it’s possible that we all need a break from each other. Even our smart home devices that have been stuck inside with us.
But on the plus side, when Netflix asks “Are you still watching” after a 10-hour binge marathon, she answers it for me without even asking.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock