I’ve always gotten along with men. Part of it is that I’ve had a brother, and was close to my uncles. Then, I went to MIT and majored in engineering. For better or worse, most of my colleagues and coworkers have been men.
It’s not that I don’t have close female friends or cherish the special bonds that women create. But my two closest friends are guys.
When I got married, I actually had three close male friends. If I’d had a traditional ceremony, they would have been part of my bridal party. While I would have had a matron of honor, the other positions would have been reserved for my male friends.
While we decided to take the money we would have spent on a wedding and use it as a down payment on a house, the man I married was fine with the fact that my three best friends were men. I wouldn’t have married him if he weren’t.
Unfortunately, when one of my best friends started to date the woman he eventually married… well, she put the stop to our friendship.
This is the hazard of having friends of the opposite sex. Not everyone’s significant other can handle it.
More recently I’ve experienced this dynamic play out with the guy I went to Europe with in the fall of 2019. We got our plane reservations in February. He met a woman in May. After dating her for a week, he mentioned he was traveling with me.
She freaked out and accused him of planning to sleep across a continent with me.
Excuse me, I thought, don’t I get a say in this?
I had no sexual desire for this friend. That’s one reason we could be such good travel buddies — there were no hidden motives or unrequited desires that could potentially screw up our trip.
Of course, our friendship dissolved after he married the crazy lady with the trust issues. It made me sad, but… it’s also made me even more grateful for my two best friends.
They’ve been part of my life for over 30 years despite romantic relationships, several cross country moves and other life-changing events. At this point they are like family, not friends. We talk regularly, typically once a week.
Men who date me — if they can’t handle this, then they are not men I want to date. I don’t need insecurity and trust issues gumming up a relationship.
I’ve never cheated on anyone and I don’t react well to accusations of something I’d never do. When I’ve gone out with men who insist I break off my friendships with other men — well, I don’t go out with them again.
So my male friends have helped me weed out those who are emotionally insecure. Inevitably, I’ll discover that the guys most worried about my cheating are the ones who themselves have been unfaithful.
Conversely, people who are themselves trustworthy are more willing to extend trust to others.
I consider myself really lucky to have my two best friends. They mean the world to me. They are my brothers as well as my friends. And men that can understand that are men who are worthy to date.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: Austin Distel on Unsplash