After eleven years of marriage, my wife Veronica and I still have a fulfilling and consistent sex life.
To anyone who has read my words over the last year, that last sentence should come as no surprise. One of my favorite things to write about is the abundance my wife and I have created surrounding our intimacy — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
What might be more of a surprise is that our wants, needs, and desires surrounding sex aren’t always in agreement or lockstep with each other. We each have our own ideas of what constitutes a good time or fulfillment in that arena. Some of those overlap. Some don’t. And yet, we still come together (pun intended) and find sexual satisfaction consistently.
So, how do we manage to have these incompatibilities or incongruities and still be sexually satisfied?
Acknowledging and Appreciating Differences
I think most everyone is aware that anyone you choose to have sex with, whether a one-time encounter or a more extended partnership, will come with their own pre-loaded preferences and built-in kinks. It is rare for two people to go into a sexual relationship with the exact same wants, needs, and desires concerning physical and mental stimulation.
At the beginning of a relationship, most of these differences or “misalignments” tend not to cause problems unless they are huge, glaring issues that impede on what I call “hard-no boundaries.” These boundaries should always be stated clearly and respected unequivocally.
When we first start exploring each other, we are mostly discovering the basic preferences of our partner. Discovering a new partner’s preferences can be a thrilling experience. The journey to find what works and what doesn’t can be exhilarating and fulfilling.
We tend to have some leniency with each other during that exploratory stage as we get to know our partners. No one is a mind reader, after all. And, hopefully, we are setting the scene and laying the groundwork for long-term satisfaction through open, honest communication and active listening.
This framework of trust can allow for a further dive and exploration of our partner’s desires.Unfortunately, this deeper dive is also where some lovers run into an issue.
My wife and I have certainly discovered different desires and comfort levels with certain sexual acts and the frequency they are performed over the years. There is a continual evolution and discussion. Rarely does anything about us stay static throughout the entirety of life. Why would sexual desires be any different?
Recently I had noticed that Veronica would prefer less buildup and foreplay before going fast and hard. I really cherish a slow buildup with a gradual climb towards the orgasmic edge by using prolonged foreplay and sexual union. To her credit, she can happily maintain that style and pace for quite some time. That allows me to savor it for longer, which is a strong preference for me in any sexual connection.
Though I must say, little to no foreplay and intense thrusting motions early on in the encounter have always been the antithesis of what I had been taught. In my experience that’s not what most women prefer right out of the gate.
But, if my wife is having a great time, then so am I. Besides, I do quite alright for myself. Veronica has opened up and been more open and more vulnerable in our relationship more than ever before. I’m proud of her.
There are other fantasies and sexual acts where our desires aren’t entirely compatible.
But, we compromise. We take turns and switch. We manage to have a frequent and highly fulfilling sex life.
We care for each other, we are attracted to each other, and we both want the other to feel sexually satiated. That, and we communicate about sex. A lot.
Communication, Compromise, and Adaptability
As we build trust and intimacy, we allow ourselves to reveal more of what we truly want or need from our partners. Fantasies, taboos, and fetishes are placed in our lover’s hands in the hopes that they will share, experiment, or, at least, understand and protect these desires.
This is not to be misconstrued as allowing room for pushing against hard-no boundaries. Once those are stated, all aspects of a hard-no should be respected. It is okay to express ourselves and our fantasies. It is not okay to make someone feel guilty or pressured to do something they aren’t comfortable with.
We should strive to find a middle ground of compromise with the things that aren’t always our favorite but aren’t a hard-no boundary.
For Veronica and I, we have found some workable middle ground with our different preferences.
As for Veronica’s preference for fast and hard sex? While I prefer slow, soft, and sensual, I can hardly complain that my wife wants me to make sure she feels swollen and tender into the next day. I may prefer a certain style of sex, but I am also quite the sexual chameleon, able to adapt and enjoy almost any request or suggestion put forth. Besides, we have long, slow sex often enough that I don’t feel I’m missing out.
If my wife wants me to grab her ass and go to town until she releases all of her aching tension, I’ll step up and meet that request. I am a pleaser, above all else.
Parting Thoughts
A sexual partnership is much like any other kind of relationship. You have to communicate, figure out compromises that work for each person, and respect other people’s boundaries and limits.
Just because you aren’t doing everything you prefer at every sexual encounter doesn’t mean you have to feel like you are missing out. However, if your “must have’s” are someone else’s “hard-no’s,” then you may have to come to an alternate agreement, including anything from discontinuing the sexual relationship or adding in other people to help fill those unmet needs.
Either way, communication should always be the starting point and key to any healthy relationship.
And, remember to have fun! You are getting a chance to engage in a beautiful, ancient ritual. It can be raw and primal. It can be sweet and gentle.
The key is to enjoy and honor the sacred space you find yourself in and the beautiful person in front of you. If you can do that with passion and conviction, all the rest seems that much smaller in comparison.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
