Have you gone on a series of dates or developed a quick bond with someone only to have it break down because the behavioral and emotional alignment was off?
We have certain traits and characteristics that we look for, but others are dealbreakers.
When I narrow it down, you will find out that a simple alignment cures these woes you experience.
If you follow my writing, you know I focus on attachment theory and how people can overcome their current attachment style for better relationship outcomes.
I had an epiphany and realized there is a segment of the population I do not discuss- those who are already securely attached.
While 100% of the population should be securely attached, we know this isn’t the case.
While ~50% of the dating population is securely attached, there is 50% remaining who are hopefully going through the transition.
What if you are the partner to someone who aligns with one of the other attachment styles, but you are securely attached and want to work on the relationship?
The fact that you have curiosity about navigating this dynamic is step one and a great path to take.
For those new to my writing, I do not write for people who aren’t progressing or desire to make the transition.
We put in the work over here, but in a relationship, it is not the responsibility of one person. Each partner has to commit to their role in the changes we want to see.
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Day 1
It feels like a challenging task to think about the conversation with someone who shows characteristics and qualities of one of the other attachment styles.
It feels like you are talking from the top of a pedestal and demanding that someone make changes.
There is a way to introduce attachment theory to your partner without causing a major outburst.
The first step is understanding how each attachment style responds to requests for change and self-improvement.
I have articles that show how each attachment style responds to emotional conversations, but it boils down to two factors.
- The group — your conversation cannot be accusatory; “here is what you’re doing wrong.” Speak about changes from the standpoint of how they will help the group. “Our communication can grow if…” “When we create a space where each partner gets to share…” Work on a combination of growth and team play.
- Relatability — your partner will be more receptive if you make the experience relatable by sharing stories of your growth journey, even if it is minimal.
- Bonus: The test — there are attachment-style quizzes that will open the door to the conversation. Instead of the feeling your partner will get if you diagnose them, the test will give them results based on their experience.
Tiktok
Okay, no, you aren’t going to log onto TikTok and start sharing quick bits. It is about time and patience needed for your partner or potential long-term dynamic.
Converting your attachment style does not happen over a day or a week. It takes months to years to improve and make a complete transition.
It takes more than being patient. There is a time investment that needs to occur from both partners. Again, it cannot feel like a one-person job, or your partner will quit before they start.
Create a system to do progress check-ins or open-space conversations. No, this is not when you tell your partner what they continuously do wrong.
The time is for the exact opposite purpose. “ You always, never, won’t” is much less encouraging than “I’ve seen the change in these areas, such as…”
Create a time when you talk about positive development rather than continuing to reinforce that there is a deficit.
Your partner cannot feel like you are in an advanced position or speaking out of authority.
You are in an advanced position and should probably be the voice of reason in the dynamic. Your partner can not perceive or feel that.
The move
While dating, there is the feeling that we can change people. I’m not here to kill your dreams but realize what is within your control.
Others are more jaded about this topic than I am. You will hear things like, “Leave those types in the dust.”
I see a different approach.
You cannot demand that someone make changes without having a goal or gold at the end.
That also means you cannot give someone access to you without checking off certain progressional boxes.
If you are in the talking stage, the relationship does not move to commitment until you see progress.
Dating does not turn into moving in together.
Moving in together does not turn into a proposal.
Even in an existing marriage, there are goals you can set after advances are made, such as trips, etc.
Your partner has to see why achieving the goal benefits both partners and revolves around creating a long-lasting dynamic.
No, you do not dangle it in front of their face. It is a method to challenge them and get the fire burning.
It is also about creating a safe space for you as someone in an advanced position.
Some people want the relationship so badly that they will sacrifice their happiness to wait on someone’s potential.
You have the right to set access to you as a boundary, but also a reward.
Again, be careful about your approach here. You do not want to seem entitled.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
