Navigating Relationships in Your 20s

Over the years of attending college, living abroad, and relocating to a new city for work, I have had my fair share of dating new lovers, meeting new friends, and trying new things. Whether it comes down to intimate relationships or friendships, I have found that relationships are difficult to navigate because of their ever-changing nature and needs.

Here are 6 lessons that have helped me to better navigate my relationships:

Tip #1: If something still bothers you after 24 hours, speak up about it

Looking back, this 24-hour rule has saved me from a lot of miscommunication and built-up resentment further down the road. I think that communication is one of the biggest keys to success in a relationship: I’ll rather overcommunicate than leave things vague and undefined because no one can mindread or is responsible for your feelings and unspoken expectations.

The 24-hour rule is also a good timeframe for one to process and sleep on certain emotions. However, if it still bothers you after you wake up, then it’s time to speak up and address these emotions

Tip #2: Relationships are a two-way street

Acknowledging that relationships are a two-way street looks like speaking up about your needs and seeing if your partner or friend can meet you halfway. Of course, it may not always be 50–50 every time, but typically, deep relationships thrive on mutual emotional intimacy, trust, and vulnerability. Another indicator of a 2-way relationship is how the person makes you feel: do you feel energized, appreciated, and valued by the other person? Remember, a healthy relationship is one where a person can add to your life.

Tip #3: Figure out your values

Another indicator of a flourishing relationship is that you share similar values as your partner or friend. Remember the saying that you are an average of your 5 friends? Well, the same thing holds true when you are seeking out a new relationship. For example, I value honesty, authenticity, and loyalty in my relationships. Reflexively, most of my close friends and partner also share these similar values. Shared values make it easy to build our foundation so that our relationship can continue to flourish and grow.

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Tip #4: Leaning into different types of relationships for support, growth, and fun

As a recovering people-pleaser, I found it difficult to assert boundaries. This was also reflected in my relationships as well: overextending myself to meet the needs of others at the expense of forgoing my own needs. Over time, one thing that helped me with defining boundaries was grouping my relationships into different buckets so that I can better define boundaries in my relationships.

Lifelong friends: Similar to the idea of childhood friends or friends who you have known for a long period of time, these are people who have seen many of your ups and downs. You may not necessarily see these friends all the time, but you can always pick up from when you have last left off during your hangout.
Close friends: These are friends who you have built an emotional foundation with and who you can go to for advice. Similar to lifelong friends, you may not always talk with your close friends, but you know that they are only a phone call away.
Friends of proximity: These may be your social friends who you have befriended due to convenience because it is easy to make plans and see them based on a shared location or similar interests, hobbies, or passions.
Acquaintances: These may be your work friends, or people who you know and can network with. Your relationship may or may not go beyond the surface-level connection.

Of course, some friends may fit in more than one of these buckets, or none. The point is, using these buckets to categorize my relationships has helped me with defining the relationship a bit more so that I can adjust to different expectations and needs. This process of categorizing my relationships has also allowed me to realize that I can go to different types of people for my specific needs.

Tip #5: You have to fill up your own cup up before attending to the needs of others

“One must first save oneself to have the ability to save others” Sherry Greene

You must learn to meet your own needs prior to attending to the needs of others. While this is easier said than done, letting others down so that you can fill up your own cup will come a long way to mutually benefit the relationship. After all, what are the consequences of overburdening your partner or friend with your unattended needs and stress? No, I am not saying that you need to be completely fixed prior to entering a relationship, but at least you know how to handle yourself so that you do not become codependent on others. After all, a healthy relationship is based on mutual growth.

Additionally, I truly believe that self-love, self-compassion, and the depth to which you can meet yourself and your needs are reciprocated in your relationships with others. Likewise, if you are unable to do that for yourself, then you cannot expect others to do the same thing for you.

Tip #6: Timing matters

Have you ever met someone that you know will become good friends or good partners with but due to circumstances, you were unable to further the relationship?

Well, this is an example of timing and why it matters. New beginnings, such as moving to a new city, picking up a new hobby, and beginning a new job/returning to school are life transitions that may be perfect opportunities for meeting new people and finding new relationships. On the other hand, timing also explains why some relationships may have faded out or why some relationships may continue to flourish.

At the end of the day, healthy relationships are fun places to continually learn about yourself and grow. Not all relationships are meant to last forever, but that’s okay. It makes me that much more grateful for my current loved ones and friends.

To recap, here are 6 lessons that have helped me with my relationships: