Meeting your significant other’s family for the first time is, to understate it, nerve-racking. Will they like you? Did you say the wrong thing? Is it a bad sign if they haven’t given you a hug or smiled at the sight of you?
As someone with anxiety and a need to be well-liked, I feel this especially hard. I take everything personally, and I’m not really my best self when I’m nervous.
As the holidays are approaching, you may worry about this more often — and that’s understandable! To help you feel more confident as you walk through the door, check out these tips from a relationship expert.
***
Making that first impression count (in a good way)
Some research shows people make their first impression of someone in a tenth of a second. Yup, not even a full second. And the moments after matter too, of course.
Old-fashioned values, a thoughtful gift, and treating your partner well are all crucial, according to Amber Kelleher-Andrews, a relationship expert, celebrity matchmaker, CEO, and co-founder of Kelleher International.
Old-fashioned values
“Old-fashion values never go out of style when it comes to meeting the family,” Kelleher-Andrews said. “Maintaining great eye contact when being introduced is a must. Being polite, attentive, conversational, and inclusive are also important.”
Thoughtful gifts
Bringing a relevant gift can make you look good too, especially if you clearly put thought into it. “Bringing a gift such as flowers or a bottle of wine is a nice touch,” she said. “However, it means so much more if you have a story to share behind the bottle of wine you chose, or perhaps you picked out a specific bouquet of flowers because they are a favorite of your partner’s family.”
All you have to do is ask your partner for the details beforehand, then you can easily score the right item to bring.
Treating your partner well
Don’t only treat your partner’s family well — treat your partner well, too! “Your partner’s family will be most likely be paying attention to how you both interact with one another and how you treat your partner. Keeping your attention and focus on your partner is one way to show you care,” Kelleher-Andrews recommended. “You are a couple after all, and their family will want to see this in action.”
So what should you do specifically? Be authentic, of course, but also be mindful about how you talk to them and support them. Be friendly, compassionate, and forgiving. Overall, treat them how you want to be treated.
***
How to avoid your anxiety getting the best of you
Even when you know how to act and what to do, it’s easy to still feel nervous before meeting your partner’s parents. I don’t know about you, but my stomach will hurt for hours before (and sometimes during) because of my anxiety.
To calm down, Kelleher-Andrews suggested keeping a few things in mind.
Your partner likes you, which is a good sign
“It’s important to remember that your partner wouldn’t be introducing you to their family if they didn’t really care about you, and if they like you, there is a very good chance their family will like you too,” she said.
Plus, parents generally like what and who makes their child happy — and that includes you!
Take a moment to breathe
Remember, you don’t have to run right in when you get to their family’s home. “Take a deep breath to calm down your nerves before you walk in the door,” Kelleher-Andrews said. “This gives you a moment of pause to collect yourself and shake off the nerves. Taking a deep breath can also help in relaxing your shoulders.”
My favorite breathing exercise is inhaling for four seconds, then exhaling for four seconds. All the while, my eyes are closed and I’m focused on my breathing. This can be more relaxing than you may realize!
Be mindful of what’s going on in the moment
“Once you are in the door, the best way to calm your nerves is to focus on who you are meeting. Try your best to remember names and pay attention to your partner, too,” she continued. “Taking the focus off yourself will help keep you calm, and before you know it, you’ll forget you were anxious and will be enjoying yourself!”
***
Talking with your partner before meeting their family is important, too
You can also prep for the event by talking it through with your partner first. A couple of examples of topics are how you met and what you need to know about their family.
What do you want to share about how you met?
“First and foremost, you and your partner need to be on the same page in terms of how and when you both met, because this will be the most frequent question asked,” Kelleher-Andrews said. “Did you meet through a dating app, the local farmers market, or through a matchmaker? Make sure you’re both comfortable with telling this story to the family.”
For example, saying you met through Tinder or at a party might not be exactly the way you or your partner feel comfortable phrasing it. You can easily change this to meeting “on a dating app” or “through mutual friends.”
What should you know about their family dynamics?
Kelleher-Andrews then recommended doing your homework.
“It’s always a great idea to check in with your partner and have them describe their family and if they have any recommendations for you,” she said.
“Any information your partner can share about important family dynamics and special traditions will be very helpful to you. The more details you know about the people you are meeting, the easier it will be for you to engage with them and keep the conversations flowing,” she added.
For example, do you share something in common with anyone in the family? Should you avoid certain topics? Might someone seem like they don’t like you when that’s not actually the case?
“Investing time in understanding them beforehand can not only calm your nerves and give you things to talk about, but it also shows your partner that their family matters to you,” Kelleher-Andrews said.
How can you remember who’s who?
Lastly, Kelleher-Andrews said you can draw a family tree, especially if your partner has a big family. “This is a great way to help you remember names — especially for those that remember best with visuals,” she explained.
Drawing connections between people when talking about who everyone is can make you more confident and the event more smooth.
***
Do what you can and remember to be grateful
Remember: Meeting your partner’s family doesn’t have to be dreadful by any means.
“Meeting and getting to know your partner’s family is an opportunity and should be seen as such,” Kelleher-Andrews said.
And if you aren’t able to remember all these tips, don’t feel bad.
“If writing down information beforehand or building a family tree of names just isn’t possible, that’s okay!” she added. “Maybe you can have your partner tell you some family stories while you’re en route to help give you a sense of who they are.”
Just do your best, try to have fun, be yourself, and be grateful for the opportunity and what it means for your relationship. You got this, and I’m sure you’ll have a great (or at least decent!) time.
Plus, keep in mind that future family events will probably be less stressful now that the first one is done!
—
This post was previously published on Medium.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Askar Abayev from Pexels