Never Date Women Who Do This

It’s stupid to expect all our relationships to be perfect.

There’s no such thing as a perfect person, after all.

Your parents weren’t perfect when they were raising you. Your teachers weren’t perfect when they were teaching you. Your friends weren’t perfect whenever they were hanging out with you.

So it’s unreasonable to expect any romantic relationship to be perfect.

However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have some expectations and boundaries.

Just because there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship doesn’t mean you should keep dating a racist flat-earther with swastika tattoos who gets off on torturing puppies, for example. That much should be obvious.

As we experience more relationships throughout our lives, we slowly learn what types of people we need to avoid.

You’ve probably had some bad relationships before, too. Maybe you had a really toxic ex who loved The Office, and now you avoid any prospective partner who ever quotes the show.

Obviously, that’s not really the best way to go about dating. You might meet someone who is super awesome and compatible with you in every way, but they just happen to love The Office. You wouldn’t want to shut that kind of opportunity out of your life just because of a silly TV show.

A better thing to listen to is science.

Psychology gives us a pretty good understanding of some types of people we need to avoid.

A lot of people have what’s called personality disorders. Some of them aren’t so bad. Some of them are.

What you really need to watch out for is what psychologists call “Cluster B.”

Cluster B disorders are marked by inappropriate, volatile emotionality and often unpredictable behavior. The disorders in Cluster B are antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder. — Psychology Today

People with the full gamut of Cluster B personality disorders are very rare. The DSM says the combined estimated prevalence rate is only 1.5 percent. However, individuals possessing just one of the disorders within Cluster B are obviously more prevalent.

What I look out for the most is narcissism, which can be more prevalent than the other personality disorders in Cluster B.

Narcissistic personality disorder, thought to affect anywhere from 1 to 6 percent of the population, is characterized by grandiosity; a need for excessive admiration; a lack of empathy; and manipulative, self-centered, or demanding behavior. Someone with NPD can cause significant distress for anyone who associates with them. — Psychology Today

Let’s look at those symptoms one by one:

Grandiosity: I once met a woman who straight up said that she was better and hotter than everyone I ever dated. Her tone did not imply that she was joking. Like at all. Some people might think that’s a very confident and self-assured thing to say. Others might recognize that making such a claim without ever meeting or even knowing all the women I’ve dated is just nuts. There wasn’t a shred of humility in her bones.
A need for excessive admiration: Ever met someone who would freak out if they didn’t get at least a certain number of “Likes” on an Instagram post? Ever had a president who surrounded himself with sycophantic, incompetent yes-men who had to give him exaggerated praise every time the cameras were on? Ever met someone who thought that popularity was everything? You know exactly what this looks like.
A lack of empathy: I once dated a woman who refused to ever give any money to homeless people. Her reasoning was that they’re homeless purely due to their own actions, and that they’ll spend any charity they get from others on drugs and alcohol. And she called herself a Christian. How very Christ-like. Sarcasm, of course, but I do see this symptom in a lot of self-proclaimed religious folks who fail to see the irony. It’s as if they’re drawn to religion more on the grounds of the conservative social hierarchy it has become entrenched in rather than its message of compassion.
Manipulative, self-centered, or demanding behavior: “If you loved me, you would do this for me!” If that sentence sounds familiar, my condolences. You are or were probably dating a narcissist. Generally speaking, if they play a lot of mind games to get what they want from you without any regard for your wants and needs, stay the f**k away. See the following article for more on this:

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I have a friend who married a Cluster B woman.

He described the marriage as him constantly trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it.

Needless to say, he had it much worse than my experience dating a couple narcissists. That was tough enough for me.

Fortunately, my friend finalized his divorce and he is in a healthy, happy relationship now (with a bit of help from my coaching). It’s helping him heal.

Of course, this isn’t a gender specific matter.

Anyone of any gender can be narcissistic or even full on Cluster B. This piece is titled the way it is sheerly because I’m a men’s dating coach and I have a specific target demographic (men who like women).

If you’re not part of my target demographic, you still need to watch out for these signs. Doesn’t matter who you are.

If you have any of these symptoms yourself, there is always hope.

The beautiful thing about our humanity is that we always have the capacity for growth. We can become better partners. Even if you don’t think anyone can help you, there are professionals who can. There are specialized therapists who got a lot of education and training to help people exactly like you. Seek them out.

I’m not one of those specialized therapists, though. I’m just a dating coach who helps good men find romance and sexual abundance in the healthiest and most efficient way possible. I’m not your guy if you’re a narcissist, but help is out there nonetheless.

For everyone else, know that I’m not trying to demonize mental illness.

There’s a difference between stigmatizing the marginalized and knowing how to establish healthy boundaries.

Those with mental illnesses and personality disorders who are actually trying to better themselves need encouragement and compassion. However, malicious actors who have no intention of changing how they treat others are very much worth avoiding at all costs.

Remember to respect yourself.

Have you ever dated someone who showed signs of narcissism or Cluster B? How do you recognize and avoid those types of people now? Share your thoughts in the comments.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.