Never Laugh at an Overt Narcissist

I recently discarded a very toxic overt narcissist that I let back into my life after a seven-year separation.

His name was Justin and he was the first man I’ve been intimate with since my previous relationship ended three years ago.

Justin was hands down the most offensive narcissist I’ve encountered in a while — specifically because of the jokes he made.

Like a typical narcissist, Justin poked holes in my confidence; finding flaws where there were none and exacerbating the ones I felt I already had.

On one occasion, after we had sex, he looked at me while I was still naked and told me that I looked malnourished. I was later blamed for being too sensitive and unable to take his jokes.

My humor is not for everybody. Especially people as sensitive as you.

That was it.

This was his level of empathy.

It was more than clear, Justin was bad for my mental health because whenever it was time for his comedy routine,

I was always going to be the punchline.

So imagine my surprise when the tables turned unexpectedly and it was my humor that didn’t exactly turn out to be his cup of tea.

It Was All Fleetwood Mac’s Fault

Thanks a lot, Stevie.

Justin came over late one night in April.

We’d finished watching the movie Fall, and I was reading him some of my poetry when he requested a song.

Everywhere by Fleetwood Mac.

(He butchered the name of the group but I was easily able to figure it out because I actually listen to Fleetwood Mac.)

I played the song from my laptop and started singing along. Before long, Justin started singing along too. Although he wasn’t a good singer, I actually found it endearing that he

knew of, and liked, Fleetwood Mac
couldn’t sing but did it anyway
felt comfortable enough to sing in front of me

He was one of those “tough guys” so this was truly a hallmark moment, for me to witness. And I also thought it was super cute,

So I laughed.

What happened next is the reason I’m writing this article.

…

Justin Suffered a Severe Narcissistic Injury

So much for she who laughs last laughs best.

Justin immediately looked over at me and asked,

What are you laughing at?

His eyes narrowed as if he was suspicious and preparing to go on the defense and his voice came off cautious but also… scared.

Yet, he kept as much of his mask on as possible by making it seem like he was taking my laughter lightheartedly. He even looked like he was about to laugh too… which made me laugh more.

I said nothing but his facial expressions kept making me laugh because he really looked like he was also about to laugh while staring at me.

But then

No. You’re just being a bitch right now. That’s what you’re doing, you’re being a bitch.

Everything stopped.

Let me make something clear, there are very few things people, specifically men, can’t get away with calling me.

Bitch is one of those things.

This was a line most men instinctively knew not to cross with me and seemingly most other women. He was one of two men who decided to test the boundaries and directly call me that.

What did you just say?

You’re being a bitch.

Knowing what I know about Justin, this was another test for him to see what new level of disrespect he could away with when it came to me.

This had to be handled, immediately.

Don’t ever call me that. Ever in life. I do not play with that word. Don’t ever say that to me again.

Once he saw that I was dead serious something very interesting happened; something I never expected.

…

Damn, You Can’t Take a Joke?

This is when I realized just how sensitive the overt narcissist is.

Justin’s face flushed and he looked embarrassed.

Me finally putting my foot down with him, after being pushed too far, triggered a deep shame in him.

This shame caused him to overcompensate for his inexcusable behavior, with a lame excuse,

I’m sorry… But you were laughing at me.

He said it like a kid who had gotten in trouble for doing something they knew was bad and felt ashamed for — while equally trying to tell you why they did it.

I looked at him and that’s when I realized he was actually hurt about me laughing at his singing. I actually injured this narcissist by laughing at him, the way he always laughed at me.

How was I supposed to know that the world’s shittiest comedian couldn’t take a joke?

Considering all of the very demeaning jokes he’s made at my expense, I actually felt Justin was now the one being sensitive and overly dramatic.

I had never witnessed him respond so childishly but then again this was one of the very first times I stood up to Justin and it was happening face to face.

Truth be told, his bruised ego wasn’t important right now and honestly, I didn’t care about his feelings at this point. Just like he often didn’t care about mine.

So, I made it clear that offending him wasn’t my intention before bringing the conversation back to the point — do not ever call me a bitch again.

This time, he apologized without adding an excuse to the end of it this time but when the mood lightened he brought the topic of his singing up again.

Completely unprovoked, he randomly said,

I can sing if I want to.

(Sure, Jan.)

He was trying to say that he had the capability to sing and that he just wasn’t trying. And he said this as if to insist that my laughter was somehow a mistake by trying to convince me that he actually had vocal talent.

(I guess he forgot that I could actually hear him but okay.)

But it was the fact that he said this unprovoked that alerted me to the severity of his injury. This is when I realized just how sensitive the overt narcissist actually is.

From my experience

It’s usually the overt narcissist, of all the archetypes, that tends to take blatant rejection very badly.

(Whereas, the malignant narcissist is the one who takes being abandoned the worst — and the most dangerously.)

All that “tough guy” shit really was a facade.

More triggering than this newfound clarity I was having, was facing the truth:

Every comedy routine Justin performed at my expense was, in fact, covering up the very fragile ego of a man who would never have liked the taste of his own medicine. Or being the butt of the joke.

I was allowing this arrogant loser to make me feel extremely bad about my self-esteem and self-worth when he, himself, couldn’t even handle the slightest experience with his own treatment.

It triggered the bully to get bullied.

…

Justin Tried to Gaslight Me to Save Face

“I call all of my close friends ‘bitch’ — even my female friends”

When Justin got home, he brought up the sore topic of calling me a bitch and, as with his initial apology, he made an excuse for it.

A newer excuse.

Justin actually said:

I call all of my close ones a ‘bitch’, including the ones that are female so he really didn’t mean it like that.

Now, he was playing on my intelligence because he often excused his “offensive” humor as a right of passage that symbolized how close you really were to him. With this knowledge in mind, Justin never called me a ‘bitch’ before.

Yet, he claimed we were close.

This excuse was designed to make me seem like I took his words the wrong way when the reality is he had no right to call me out of my name in the first place.

I wasn’t falling for the gaslighting so I brushed him off and let him know that I wasn’t one of his other friends and that I’d never accept being talked to like that — especially from him.

What I said next would prove to be just as traumatic for him as me laughing at his singing. I just didn’t know it at the time.

…

Justin Unintentionally Unmasked Himself

And this is when I injured an already injured narcissist… even more.

I told Justin that he overreacted.

I explained the reason I laughed wasn’t because his singing was bad but because I actually found that little moment between us endearing and thought his singing was cute because I never saw him so vulnerable.

But then I went for the jugular when I ended it with,

Nothing about what happened warranted you calling me a bitch. What, because I laughed at you when you started singing? You are always bashing me for being too emotional yet the first thing you do is resort to calling me a ‘bitch’ because I was laughing? As you like to tell me, don’t you think that was a little sensitive? Because I damn sure do.

He seemed even more embarrassed but he agreed,

You’re right.

He then said goodnight and the conversation ended immediately because being held accountable while being left to sit in the consequences of his actions was impossible for him to do.

Not because he refused accountability like some narcissists do but because being inarguably wrong made him uncomfortable.

It triggered him.

And what made it even more intolerable was the fact that he brought it on himself when he unmasked himself by having such a strong reaction to something he would’ve insisted was small if the roles were reversed.

And he knew this.

And he knew I knew this solely because I pointed out his quickness to take aim at how “emotional” I am before highlighting his own seemingly unreasonable sensitivity.

This was too much of an injury.

But it was one he deserved.

Some people need to get they feelings hurt sometimes.

— Fezco, Euphoria

Justin never called me a bitch again.

(Nevertheless, the fact remains, I got called a bitch and it was all Fleetwood Mac’s fault. Well, that and the fact that some crybaby couldn’t sing.)

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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