I’ve been floating around with the idea of how do we know when someone is really and truly for us. The truth is we don’t know until we know, but they do give us little hints along the way.
A little background
When I started dating seriously, I met a man who had all of the qualities I liked, his shit together, and was into me. It made it easy for me to take a look at him think it could work out. We talked occasionally, hung out less often than I would like and when I would subtly bring up his lack of attention to me, he told me that’s just who he is. This should have been a red flag, but I liked him. This is where the trouble always starts.
Months of this went by — but remove the holiday months because he was smart enough to make a point to not contact me during holiday season — and I finally called him out for his once a week 5 minute text conversations and lack of actually inviting me to spend time with him.
Warning, incoming gaslight.
“Oh, this is the notion of rejection you don’t like”
Nobody likes to be rejected. But nobody likes to send out invitations and subtly come see me’s to be met with I’d rather walk down to get ice cream in the middle of winter alone.
But who really knows if I was just a “sneaky link” or if he ever thought I was the real deal. Thinking back, there are red flags that I chose to ignore that I really shouldn’t have.
He was new in town.
This isn’t an immediate red flag, but I should note that when I asked why he was on the apps (how we met) he said he was new in town and wanted to meet people. He never mentioned anything about a relationship or wanting to be more than friends. His actions said differently, but sometimes, people tell you exactly they feel and what they want. Listen to that.
He hadn’t established his own social life yet.
Having a solid group of friends is ideal for anyone. But when you meet someone who doesn’t have that, they tend to rely on you or themselves. He relied on himself. He was so used to being alone. And people who are used to being alone don’t always let people in.
The biggest problem in this red flag was that he loved being alone and spending time with himself so much that he wasn’t quick to spend time with me or date me. I felt almost like a side-chick, I didn’t want to reach out and answered every time he did as if I had nothing better to do.
He has a “Do whatever I want, when I want attitude”
There is a fallacy that people live by of “I don’t do anything I don’t want to.” And although this can be commendable, it can also be harmful. It makes people who want to know them, lose, in the end. It closes them off and it sets the tone of if you say no, it’s because you didn’t want to — and this isn’t the most welcoming.
…
At the end of the day, I found myself falling for someone who had no intentions of falling for me. Although I would have given him more than he asked for, he was a lesson that I needed to learn. That’s all we are anyway, lessons.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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