No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover puts this whole ‘nice guy’ myth to rest, once and for all.
“You have to check out this book No More Mr. Nice Guy. It’s like the author has been following us around for the last thirty years and totally has us pegged.“
When my friend Mike told me about this book, I thought that the title seemed a little bit ridiculous.
Was I about to learn how to be an asshole? Was it a pickup book? Was it a morally questionable book from the men’s movement, gone awry?
The answers, it would turn out, were no, no, and no. If anything, this book is, first and foremost, a how-to guide for any male (especially any male born after 1975) on how to get their needs met, be more personally assertive, gain more confidence and self-esteem, and enjoy greater emotional freedom, fulfillment, and integrity throughout their lives.
It Hit Me Like A Freight Train
When I first read this book, it absolutely floored me. As my buddy Mike had alluded to, it truly did read as if the author had been stalking me for the past few decades and documenting my every move.
The is the first dedicated book review I’ve ever written on my website for a reason. And if this book shook me to my core as deeply as it did, and you’ve been following my writing for any length of time, then there’s a good chance that this book will connect with you and how you operate in the world as well (regardless of your age or gender).
Are You A ‘Nice Guy’?
The thing about ‘nice guys’ is that they really aren’t that nice. In fact, they’re often manipulative, controlling, dishonest, resentful people who aren’t very good at recognizing or communicating their needs.
The overarching paradigm that the quintessential nice guy lives by is the idea that if he can hide his flaws and become what other people want him to be, then he can be loved, get his needs met, and have a problem free life. While that might sound appealing on some level, this intention always backfires because even if he convinces others to love him for his falseness, he will constantly be bubbling over with frustration and resentment for being inauthentic and out of alignment with who he is at his core.
Do any of the following statements ring true for how you operate in the world?
– Essentially everything that I do is, in some way, a calculated effort in order to get people to like me.
– I’m a pretty easy going person. I don’t like to rock the boat.
– I’m not good at handling it when other people are upset with me.
– I’m generally more in my head. My emotions are not very readily accessible to me.
– Most of my closest friends are women.
– I think that I am different than most men.
– I’m not good at making my needs a priority. I tend to put other people before myself.
– I tend to only be happy if my partner is happy. And I often blame myself if they are in a bad mood.
– I’m not an angry person/I have a lot of repressed anger inside of me.
– I have difficulty saying no to people/I have a difficult time letting others down.
This book will likely hold some deeply transformative insights for you if you said ‘Yes’ to three of any of the preceding statements.
How No More Mr. Nice Guy Is Laid Out
No More Mr. Nice Guy lays out, through nine chapters, how to get “what you want in love, sex, and life.”
With chapter headings like, “Make Your Needs A Priority”, “Reclaim Your Personal Power”, and “Learn To Please The Only Person Who Really Matters”, the overall theme of the book emerges fairly quickly.
Ultimately, this book is a step-by-step guide on how to start meeting your own needs.
If nice guys are prone to subtly manipulating others into meeting their needs (ineffectively), then Dr. Glover’s antidote is to parent themselves by making their own needs a priority. Instead of being passive and manipulative, the author prescribes being healthily selfish.
My Favourite No More Mr. Nice Guy Quotes
There are so many powerful quotes throughout this book that it’s hard to narrow it down to a small handful… but for the sake of time, here are some of my personal highlights that resonated the most deeply for me.
– “The Nice Guy Syndrome represents a belief that if Nice Guys are “good,” they will be loved, get their needs met, and live a problem-free life. When this life strategy fails to produce the desired results – as it often does – Nice Guys usually just try harder, doing more of the same. Due to the sense of helplessness and resentment inevitably produces, Nice Guys are often anything but nice.”
– “Because nice guys tend to be very black and white in their thinking, the only alternative they can see to being nice is becoming “bastards” or “jerks.” I frequently remind Nice Guys that the opposite of crazy is still crazy, so becoming a “jerk” isn’t the answer.”
– “There are no perfect relationships. There are no perfect partners. Relationships by their very nature are chaotic, eventful, and challenging.”
– “For most boys, the first several years in school become basic training in how to please women.”
– “In general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual’s life energy. Humans connect with humans. Hiding one’s humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting.”
– “By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing no one — including themselves.”
– “Life isn’t a merry-go-round, it’s a roller coaster. Life won’t always be smooth, it may not always be pretty, but it will be an adventure — one not to be missed.”
How To Use The No More Mr. Nice Guy Book
The way that the book is written is very interactive. That is to say, the book gives you exercises (or homework) to do at the end of every chapter. Just like any other self-help book that has ever been written, this book is a starting point. It is a prompt. The real change occurs in your life when you begin integrating the advice of the book via the exercises laid out in each chapter.
The book also frequently recommends that you enlist the help of others throughout your process.
“Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome is dependent on revealing one’s self and receiving support from safe people. It is essential, therefore, that men who want to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome find safe people to assist them in this process.”
I did exactly this as I read the book.
Well, in truth, the first time I read No More Mr. Nice Guy I blasted through it in two days because I could barely put it down. But the second time that I read it (a few weeks after my first read-through) I joined a No More Mr. Nice Guy support group that a few of my friends were starting up and we went through the book together with weekly group-therapy style check-ins.
The value that I got from the discussions and the weekly accountability were invaluable. If you can enlist the help of 2-10 of your friends who you think might be interested in eradicating some of their nice guy behaviours, I can’t recommend it highly enough.
Why I Recommend No More Mr. Nice Guy
Regardless of whether you are currently a recovering Nice Guy, the romantic partner of a potential Nice Guy, a chronic people pleaser, or just someone who finds the subject matter interesting, I believe that No More Mr. Nice Guy is one of those books that absolutely any person can benefit from.
If you read No More Mr. Nice Guy and implement the suggested exercises, you can expect to finally begin to accept yourself exactly as you are, end the vicious cycle of feeling dependent on other people’s approval of you, develop integrity and honesty like you’ve never experienced before, and develop a more intimate and satisfying sexual relationship than you’ve ever been a part of (regardless of whether you’re currently single or already in a relationship).
If this post spoke to you on some level, I’d strongly recommend checking out No More Mr. Nice Guy. It might just be the personal breakthrough that you’ve been searching for.
Ps. I wrote about nice guy syndrome a few years ago. Check out Why Nice Guys Should Finish Last.
This article originally appeared at JordanGrayConsulting.com
Photo courtesy of DepositPhotos.com