Nobody Is Immune to Toxic Relationships

This is both good and bad news.

Let’s talk about attachment styles to prove this argument.

You might be familiar with it, but I will explain it briefly.

I will explain it in a non-scientific way in our context.

According to attachment theory, there are two types of people: securely attached and insecurely attached.

Again, to keep it simple, let us say secure and insecure people.

Secure people have a secure attachment style.

Insecure people have either an anxious or avoidant attachment style. We won’t go into the subcategories of dismissive avoidants and so on.

Ok, let us look at what a toxic relationship is.

A toxic relationship is where one or both people involved is hurt emotionally, mentally, or physically.

That is a simple definition, but it is enough for our context.

We became so spoiled that when we have the slightest disagreement, we label the relationship as toxic.

But there should be real, perpetual damage for a relationship to be labeled as toxic. This damage is usually emotional.

Now, insecure people are more inclined to create those types of relationships.

Why?

We need to look at the reasons that made them insecure in the first place.

Anxious and avoidants are both afraid of intimacy and abandonment. They just express their fear in different ways.

Both of them are trying to cover their wounds in a different ways.

But their wounds are similar.

Their insecurity is about the way they cover their wounds and the way they try to protect themselves.

One runs towards. One runs away. Both are afraid of abandonment, intimacy, and maybe commitment. This is the simplest explanation, but in real life, it’s more complicated than just push and pull.

The problem is that the way someone covers their wounds triggers the other person to cover theirs.

When they do, the other person is, in turn, hurt and wants to cover their wounds more aggressively.

And it goes on and on.

Secure people, on the other hand, have fewer wounds and/or can handle them better.

Wounds related to attachment tend to be deep wounds that mess up your entire nervous system. So, it’s no joke to have them. And it’s not a trivial thing to be able to handle them.

When insecure people get into a relationship, it is likely to go south if they don’t work on their wounds and use healthy, secure ways to understand and handle them.

Yes, even people with insecure attachment styles can create healthy relationships.

That is possible if they create a safer space for their wounds and healthier ways to soothe the pain of these wounds.

In simpler words, if they consciously applied the principles the secure people intuitively understand.

So, they can create a healthy relationship. They can choose to create healthy, secure dynamics by working on themselves and the relationship (not on fixing the partner*).

(*The idea of believing there’s something wrong with your partner and you need to fix them so they can love you and give you what you need is not only unattractive but also selfish. And, as you have guessed, it doesn’t work; it makes your partner withdraw; it doesn’t inspire any change.)

That’s why it’s a good idea for insecure people to get into a relationship with someone secure.

They can learn how to be secure. There is a lesser chance they will trigger or be triggered by their secure partner (unless they are deliberately trying to).

Their secure partner will lift them up.

That’s true. And it happens.

But the opposite can happen, too

The secure partner might be pulled down by their insecure partner.

In this case, the secure partner will start being triggered by their partner’s behavior.

They will learn unhealthy ways to relate.

And they will stop applying healthy, secure principles. Or just let’s say that what is unhealthy was way more than what is healthy.

So, on some level, it’s not just about whether you are secure or insecure.

It’s more about your conscious, deliberate choice to relate to your partner in healthy ways. This comes naturally to you if you’re secure and requires more effort if you’re not.

But just as in life, it’s not the cards that you’re dealt. It’s how you play them.

So, secure people aren’t immune to toxic relationships.

And insecure people are still capable of creating healthy, secure relationships.

Even if two secure people are together and they have no issues related to attachment, their relationship will require effort to keep things functional, safe, and healthy.

And on a side note, who’s 100% secure?

No one.

And you’re inclined to be either anxious or avoidant. It’s inside of you. Give it the right circumstances, and it will rear its ugly head.

So, always work on your relationship safety instead of taking it for granted or blaming the lack of it on things you cannot or do not want to control.

Self-understanding is great. But don’t identify with your attachment style and commit only to bringing the secure, healthy behaviors and mindsets that bring safety to your relationship.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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