Not Everyone Wants to be Healthy: Lessons From a Failed Marriage

My journey to health began almost a decade ago during a meeting with the ladies at my church. There was a silly icebreaker activity that asked us to each share answers to some basic questions. “What made you laugh in the last week? What always makes you smile? What do you love most about yourself?”

I was speechless as I realized I had no honest answers to offer.

I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed or if there was anything lovable about me at all. On the long car ride home after that meeting, I realized how truly broken my life had become and decided to find my way back to myself.

And what a journey it has become!

It turns out that in order to be the person I need to be today, I have had to deal with the wounds and scars left from my past. Some of those wounds were self-inflicted. Some of those wounds came from my family of origin. And some of those wounds came from my soon-to-be ex-husband and the flawed marriage we tried to build.

As I started getting serious about understanding unhealthy patterns of thinking and behaviors in my life, I began to change. Some of those changes were around diet. And that’s not just the food on the table.

It is the things I use to fill my mind and environment. The constant stream of messages, shows, and conversations I was feeding my mind. I became keenly aware of the messages about my value. I began to listen to supportive, nurturing voices rather than the demeaning, demanding ones that had created the soundtrack for my inner critic.

I began to pay attention to what I read and watched on television. I started to see my time and energy as valuable — something to invest rather than squander and waste. Creating opportunities for intentional connections with others has become more important. My hope had been to discover what I was doing wrong that was making my home so tense, my soon-to-be ex so unhappy, and my life completely unfulfilled.

When I began to understand how I had lived my whole life giving little care or attention to my own needs and wants, it was time to seek the help of a professional counselor to unwind the damage from my childhood that had brought these patterns into my marriage.

And so it begins…

Figuring out what I wanted and needed in a supportive, intimate relationship was a huge milestone for me. It took a lot of soul-searching to uncover what was important and valuable to me. I also had to explore and learn what makes me feel safe as well as what triggers me in relationships.

After so much hard work, I was like a kid on training wheels, ready to take my new skills out for a spin. I worked up enough courage to have a few hard conversations with my soon-to-be ex about the discoveries I was making and how we could be healthier and less toxic with one another.

It was devastating. I knew in that moment I was completely alone in my work. He had no interest in what I needed or wanted in our marriage. He found all of these conversations “too much like work” and was unwilling to explore any of these things with me. Even working with a counselor was off the table. He acknowledged the toxicity, but chose to do nothing about it.

It was devastating. How could someone who claimed to love me have no interest in things that are important to me?

Maybe this is a better plan…

Since he wasn’t interested in meeting me in those needs, wants, or desires, it became apparent that I was not much more than a puppet in his own play. He was reasonably happy as long as I played the assigned part.

The trouble begins, however, when it is not a part I wish to play. This is where setting boundaries enters the scene. This is where I begin to decide what role I will play and what is simply beyond my willingness and interest.

This went about as well as you would expect. Not only did he not honor my boundaries, but he openly mocked some of them on more than one occasion. I struggled for as long as I could before finally calling it done when he crossed a boundary that had clear consequences. It wasn’t small or debatable. It was a line that touched my core sense of safety for me and our daughter. It was one I had told him I would not bend on.

And it continues…

We lived separated but in the same house for more than a year after I told him I was divorcing him. It was important to me to find the least explosive way to unwind this marriage after nearly three decades. Sharing a roof but little else was a daily reminder that the marriage was over, even if the paperwork wasn’t.

About five months ago, I finally moved out to my own place in a city almost 100 miles away.

As I have built a new home and life without him, I continue to learn what it means to create a life with meaning and purpose that is a reflection of my values. Living authentically without walking on the eggshells of his judgment and explosions is like truly breathing for the first time. Things as simple as choosing to embrace the quiet of the evening or savoring a gentle morning feel like freedom.

Maybe this time, my dream to be healthy will become my reality. The work along the way is messy and uncomfortable. It opens painful wounds that don’t heal without intentional effort. But as hard as this can be, it is so worth it to be at peace with myself. I guess for some people, like my soon-to-be ex, living with the unhealed wounds feels easier than doing the work of healing. The real challenge is when those wounds spill over and inflict pain on others. And that is a boundary I could no longer allow to be crossed.

Thank you for spending a few moments here — I’m truly grateful you took the time to read.❤️ If this spoke to you, I’d be so thankful for your claps 👏 👏👏(50 helps it reach more hearts here on Medium 💫).

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