It’s trendy to bash men these days.
I’ve somewhat done it myself, but in the spirit of helping them improve.
While it’s become acceptable for women to write titles such as, You’re Single and It’s All Men’s Fault or All Men These Days Are Fuckboys, it would be almost punishable by death for men to write similar articles about women.
Meanwhile, articles shaming and blaming men enjoy views and claps in the thousands.
Before we get started, I want to make a few things clear. The following is neither a thinly-veiled political rant nor a religious one. It’s about personal accountability and the direction I see us headed as a society.
What I write comes from my personal experience, what I’ve studied, my opinions, and what I’ve witnessed through talking to and coaching people from all walks of life. Though I aim to be as objective as possible, I have biases and blind spots like everyone else.
If you disagree or want to share your perspective, please leave a thoughtful comment so we can have a productive conversation.
The following are some steps on how we might continue as a species. Otherwise, we’ll be a race of domesticated animals in a few hundred years.
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Stop Blaming the Other Side
Both men and women are responsible for the disaster that is modern dating in the western world.
I’ve heard enough men and women share their struggles with personal demons, dating disasters, and crumbling relationships to know that we’re much more similar than we think. Yes, there are stark differences between men and women; however, both can become attached to unavailable people, get stuck in an anxious-avoidant trap, and obsess about past partners.
Men and women cheat, lie, manipulate, date people that feel disposable, and so on. Men and women yearn for emotional intimacy yet destroy it when it’s available.
We’re all susceptible to intergenerational shame, enmeshment, rage, abuse, sexual abuse, and guilt. We’ve compartmentalized partners, left relationships because we got bored, had periods of unattached sexual promiscuity, and periods of sexual abstinence that could last for years.
A growing number of apps and pleasures can become intimacy blockers — from drugs and alcohol to erotic literature, porn, and constant comparison to an endless stream of highlight reels. Meanwhile, we’re inundated with options that make everyone seem like we’re “settling.”
If your dating life sucks and you think all men or women are at fault, think again. If you never take accountability for your actions, you’ll never change. It’s that simple.
For men and women to fix this, we’ll have to stop parroting things like “single, lonely men” and “single, empowered women.” There are single, empowered men and women, and many more who are single and lonely.
I’ve talked to women who left abusive, alcoholic, philandering men. They fought nasty custody battles with both “adults” pitting the children against the other parent. In all scenarios, one child became the surrogate partner or “best friend” to one of the parents.
I’ve talked to guys who handed control of the relationship to the woman, wrapped in a gift box with a bow on top because that’s what she wanted. Years later these guys come to me when she cheated multiple times because he was “too nice.” Or, she left him, took the kids along with half his assets because he wasn’t “man enough” and she needed to “find herself.”
Women are waiting later and later to settle down and older men are paying for Sugar Babies.
When we stop throwing grenades and examine our part, we can start repairing the breakdown of the family system that creates more commitment-phobic children who fall somewhere on the insecure attachment spectrum.
— Children who grow up not wanting children because they never got a childhood themselves.
Our Careers: “It’s Complicated”
Humans, especially men, derive great meaning and purpose from their careers. While some people can work a nine-to-five, clock out, and go home to their family, the era of the Side Hustle has people working more than ever.
Add in the new Work From Anywhere revolution accelerated by the pandemic, and we’ve got a recipe for “I don’t have time or energy for a relationship, let alone a family.”
Our email boxes become filled with Tim Denning and the like who sell us dreams of one day leaving our day job, making six figures from blogging, selling email courses and programs, and living the life we’ve always dreamed of. We buy in by becoming content creators through various online channels and social media, hoping that one day we can become like them.
While this article isn’t about the validity of side hustles or Tim Denning, it’s about where we allocate our time and resources. It’s also about what we’ll think about on our deathbeds. When people are ready for the Great Gig in the Sky, they usually have similar regrets.
In an article published by The Guardian titled Top Five Regrets of the Dying, nurse Bonnie Ware puts “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard” at number two.
“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”
— Bonnie Ware, The Guardian
Similarly, in an article by LifeHack titled Top 7 Regrets of People Who Are Dying, writer Abayomi Jegede puts “I wish I’d allowed myself to love” at number five.
“Life’s hardships can turn a lot of people cynical to the world and relationships with other people. Sometimes, people avoid making a lot of friends or getting emotionally attached to avoid getting hurt. Petty arguments and grudges with loved ones build a wall that doesn’t allow you to forgive until it’s too late.
— Abayomi Jegede, LifeHack
We’re Addicted to Longing
“The only thing worse than not getting what you want, is getting it.”
— Sonya Sones
We’ve become addicted to longing — that feeling of perpetually wanting something we can’t have. We need the chase, the “figuring it out,” the “wondering what they’re up to” when they don’t text back for a day.
We want the fantasy that we can capture and domesticate that unicorn and get them to fall in love with us. We’ll do anything to get that until —
We get it.
Then it’s like someone cut the power. Something dies inside us, and we’re left wondering what’s wrong with the person who wants us. We feel trapped, and suddenly, that person we tried so hard to get went from Catch of the Day to Catch and Release.
On to the next person in the dating app queue or that unanswered DM we’ve been sitting on for weeks.
“Why do I always find the unavailable ones?” I hear men and women ask.
I ask them point blank, “Are you emotionally available?” If they have the capacity to be honest, the answer is “No.”
Available people find available people. The same goes for unavailable ones. We attract who we are, not what we want, so if all we chase is the chase, we’ll do what we’ve been doing all along: growing older by the day, lamenting that the other side refuses to commit to us.
Death by a Million Choices
People have been leaving Small Town, USA in favor of big cities for generations. They left the Dust Bowl or the Rust Belt in pursuit of dreams, or because they watched Sex and the City or Swingers.
Big cities come with big dating pools and an abundance of choices. Sounds good, right? Who doesn’t want more options?
Have you ever stood before the ice cream aisle at a major grocery store and wondered what flavor to get? I used to pace up and down, contemplating the perfect option to my mom’s amusement. The abundance of choices made it harder for me, and it’s no different with people.
When humans have too many choices, it delays our ability to commit to a particular option. We get FOMO — “What if I like that one better? What if I make the wrong choice and I regret it?”
We get stuck in analysis paralysis, or we make a choice and then spend the rest of the time secretly searching for better options. In cities like LA and New York, it’s easy to become dissatisfied with one’s partner when we can’t turn a corner without catching the eye of someone younger, more attractive, wealthier, or higher status.
Add in the cost of living, and you have an arena of single people searching for the ideal relationship by night and the means to afford one by day. The only family we refer to are the people we left back in Small Town, USA, where all our high school friends were married with kids by 27 at the latest.
In the big city, we scoff at those people as if they’re Neanderthals who, God-forbid, only slept with five to seven people before getting married.
Cave-dwellers!
…
Then we have dating apps and social media.
These apps have now turned the knob of choices up to 11. Not only do we have our local big city pools to contend with, but now anyone in the world is accessible. Given that most profiles make people seem model-worthy and single, it’s too tempting to slip into the DMs once the likes and comments start flowing.
“Hmmm, would it be cheating if I started chatting with this person in London?” one might think. “Nah, it’s harmless. A little long-distance flirting never hurt anybody.”
What about dating? Again, death by a million choices. Don’t like his smile in picture four? Ick. Next.
She’s a year or two older than your ideal age range? Next.
Hair? Next. Car? Next. Height? Next. She has kids already? Next.
You get the picture. If you genuinely want a relationship, you will have to become mature enough to make a choice and stick with it. Your partner will never be the perfect choice because perfect doesn’t exist. Emotional and relational maturity is choosing “perfect enough” and then choosing that person every single day.
I don’t want to downplay the importance of spending time alone, attending therapy and support groups, and working on oneself before entering a relationship. But even that can become an addiction.
“When I finish one more self-help book…then I’ll be ready for a relationship.”
Conclusion
If you’re entirely content with being single and don’t want kids, then much of this won’t apply to you. This piece is for those seeking a relationship and having kids someday, yet finding themselves unhappily single.
This article is also a warning about our direction as a society. Overall, I see western culture valuing an abundance of shallow experiences with a lot of people as opposed to deep and meaningful experiences with a select few. I believe it’s wearing us thin.
If men and women are to work together on this, we will have to take accountability for ourselves in dating and relationships and how we’re raising the children we do have. Enmeshment, abuse, neglect, alcoholism, shadow parenting, and helicopter parenting perpetuate the problem for generations.
Let’s normalize mental health and cultivate honesty and accountability across gender and party lines, starting at a young age.
Afterthought
Perhaps this is Mother Nature’s poetic justice for teetering on the brink of irreparable climate change. Maybe this is part of the natural order of things, where humans create the technology to bomb ourselves to extinction or stimulate us to the point we cease to replicate.
Perhaps humans subconsciously know the damage we’re doing, so we’ve opted to adopt cute little rescues from the local shelter over having expensive future polluters. Or, perhaps it’s because Apple just released a new iPhone, and it’s either that or diapers.
I don’t claim to have all the answers here, but I think that men and women should get honest with themselves and fix this gender war ASAP.
Otherwise, we might as well start sending our pets to private school.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Jamie Street on Unsplash
Great piece. I want men and women to get along. If you can’t get along with roughly 50% of the population – that is a problem for YOU, whether you are XX, XY, or NB, or whatever. I know people will get pissed when I say this…but I have some thoughts about folks putting semi-nude pix on the internet. NO ONE is restricting your right to do this. If you want to – have an ONLY FANS page, and put on the g-string and the garter belt or wrap your chiseled abs in a towel. If people want to pay for your hot… Read more »