Observe First, Decide Later

Observe first, decide later.

It sounds simple, but it’s one of the hardest lessons in adulthood… letting people show you who they are, and then believing them.

Because you’ll want to teach.

You’ll want to fix.

You’ll want to control.

You’ll want to make them understand you, so they can treat you how you want to be treated.

You’ll expect them to act as you would… to be as considerate as you are.

But first, you have to watch.

Observe how they answer your questions and whether they ask you any in return.

Watch how they respond when you share something vulnerable.

Do they listen? Do they brush it off?

Do they come back with “hope you’re feeling better” without ever acknowledging what you actually said?

Do they say, “get over it,” “move on,” or “you’re still talking about that?”… when what you really need is reassurance and to be heard?

It’s painful to notice.

But it’s also information.

Not everyone will have the emotional tools you have, or you wish they had.

Your dad might be practical and not very emotional. Your brother might dismiss your feelings. Your cousin might always turn the conversation back to themselves. Your friend might go quiet when you’re sad. A colleague might ignore your happiness. The person you are dating might forget to text or call when they know it matters to you.

You can spend years trying to make them see you… Or you can process what you observe, decide what they do have the capacity for and adjust accordingly.

This isn’t about cutting people out or ending a relationship entirely.

It’s about gently understanding the role they can… or are willing to… play in your life, so you can keep them in your life without setting yourself up for heartbreak.

Some friends will be “good-time friends.” They’re perfect for nights out, dancing, laughing… but not for the heavier conversations.

Others might be your “go-to advisors”… the ones you call for perspective and advice.

Some might be the ones you go to for silence, whether you are happy or sad.

None of this makes them bad people. It just means you protect yourself and the friendship by not expecting them to hold the weight of moments they don’t have the capacity for.

And if you are lucky, you might find someone who can or is very willing to be most of those things you need at once. However, even then, it still requires work, dedication, and a lot of communication to understand and truly see each other over time, to become what the other person needs.

The same goes for love.

Observe first. Then, when you feel safe and connected, communicate your needs… not to teach or control, but to share what’s important to you. Then watch again.

We are taught from childhood that sharing is one of the most important things… to share toys, time and space to make friends and be a good kid. But in adulthood, we forget that sharing is still essential: sharing what hurts us, what makes us happy, what we need and what we hope for. The kind of sharing is caring. It’s giving the other person all the information and then allowing them to decide what they can offer in return… or if they want to…

Do they want to meet you where you are?

Do they want to try?

If they do, beautiful… You can build and grow together.

If they don’t, as painful as it is, they aren’t your person. Better to know now, before you’ve built your whole heart around them. That hurts more than the disappointment you face head-on.

Let people show you who they are.

Believe them.

But also give them a chance… don’t skip over the importance of sharing your needs and your hurt. Words have power.

And then after that point… decide how close you want them to stand.

Observe. Communicate. Decide.

Choose people who choose you back.