Tree hugging hippie pacifist Edie Weinstein discovers that anger can be a positive emotion when used for good.
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According to Eleanor Roosevelt, “Anger is one letter away from danger.” Anger has been an unfamiliar emotion that I have stuffed, held at bay and from which I have run as if being chased by a saber tooth tiger. Conflict avoidant at nearly all costs, I internalized the idea that it led to conflagration which could obliterate. Reading those words, you might think that I grew up in an inflammatory environment. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Very little raising of voices, no abuse, nor name calling in my childhood home. My sister and I would occasionally pick and poke and prod at each other, attempting to get a rise. She, more than I, was the hothead….I attributed it to her also being a red head. When we would go at it verbally, my father (who had been a Golden Gloves boxer in the Navy and well into his 70’s, had the six pack abs to show for a lifetime fascination with fitness), would lace the gloves on us, give us mouth guards and head pieces, and under close supervision would have us swing and swat at each other playfully. Soon the residual frustration would give way to laughter. To this day, I tell her that it was a good thing I was a pacifist or I could have developed a mean right hook.
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I have had such difficulty acknowledging that I felt anger, let alone express it that even in circumstances when it would have been a ‘normal human response’, I held it in when I could imagine a full blown temper tantrum wanting to throttle up. In relationships, I have kept it under wraps, not wanting to make waves or ‘match energies’ with someone who was raising the tide or upping the ante. In most cultures, men are taught that anger is an acceptable mode of communication of dis-satisfaction and often used to control or intimidate, but women are generally expected to maintain composure and be the intermediary/peacemaker between warring factions. When it is not allowed healthy expression, it can indeed rage out of control or become internalized, leading to depression, self injury and addictive behaviors. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule and there are indeed women who have no trouble letting it rip.
I attracted people who had little difficulty showing their anger, including my husband. His was influenced by an upbringing that in many ways was the Alice in Wonderland Through The Looking Glass opposite of mine.
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As a therapist, I know this stuff……and yet, as a work in progress human being, I am discovering that I need to give myself permission to have access to a full range of emotions rather than limiting myself. Healer, heal thyself.
Last weekend, I sat with women friends who are part of what is called an E-Circle (E for Empowerment) that follows the Woman Within Training which I took in 2013. We do what we refer to as our ‘work’ on various and sundry life issues. What was asking to be given voice was this very one. They all know that it is my growing edge and were willing to create the safe space for me to cave explore. Two chairs were set up opposite each other with one of my long time friends in one while I was in the other. She represented the emotion of anger that I have kept at a far greater distance than those two pieces of furniture. We engaged in a conversation in which I had the opportunity to ask that aspect of myself who had not been permitted to speak very often, just what it wanted. What came out was that:
It wanted to be recognized as valid and not kept in the dark, drippy cave, festering under ground, waiting to pounce on any unsuspecting passerby.
It asked me to trust that it had a right to exist and could be used as a constructive force and not simply destructive.
It said it was not only a weapon, but a useful tool. It reminded me that it was sometimes a catalyst for positive action. I agreed to find a way to co-exist with it.
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What occurred me a day or so later was that my parents said things like “It’s not worth getting worked up over,” if I did indeed feel anger rising. That mixed with my mother’s advice “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” and my father’s wisdom “Your life is in the hands of any fool who makes you lose your temper,” and I was set up for an upset in the making. I was never punished for expressing it, just self- repressed. So what was an inevitable outcome? I attracted people who had little difficulty showing their anger, including my husband. His was influenced by an upbringing that in many ways was the Alice in Wonderland Through The Looking Glass opposite of mine. He too learned from a master….his father, who was an alcoholic/rage-aholic. There were times when I walked on eggshells, so as not to incite his predictable reaction. When things would settle down….and they always did, he apologized profusely and agreed to work on the anger dragon. Eventually, it got the better of him and the condition from which he died. Hepatitis C is linked symbolically to anger, since the liver detoxifies the body.
Louise Hay, author of You Can Heal Your Life, says this:
LIVER PROBLEMS: (hepatitis) Resistance to change. Fear, anger, hatred. Liver is the seat of anger and rage.
Affirmation: My mind is cleansed & free. I leave the past & move into the new. All is well.
I could feel the inner core temperature rising, my frustration growing and I spewed forth a series of expletives that are not part of my spiritual vocab.
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I also felt helpless, since even if I did notice anger, I would say to myself “What good will it be to get upset over…..?” and then let it go, replacing it with more constructive thoughts. A few days ago, while en route to an awards banquet at which a co-worker was being honored, the dragon reared its head. I had left in what I thought would allow for a cushion of time to traverse highways in the Philadelphia area. Even the GPS agreed with me, but as I apparently needed to learn something, traffic slowed to a crawl. I could feel the inner core temperature rising, my frustration growing and I spewed forth a series of expletives that are not part of my spiritual vocab. I knew that sustaining the mood set wouldn’t be prudent on Route 76.
It is described in the Urban Dictionary: “The Schuylkill (pronounced skoo-kull ) Expressway, or I-76, also known as the Sure-kill Expressway. An entirely inadequate, dangerous road that connects Philadelphia with the western suburbs and the Pennsylvania turnpike. Expect delays at any given hour, often for no apparent reason. Traffic will suddenly slow to 20mph so that drivers can gape at a bit of interesting debris on the side of the road. ” Yup, that’s about it. Add to that, my strong dislike (and that’s putting it mildly) for people throwing cigarette butts out their car windows as if the world were their ashtray and I was in full blown pissy-fit. I bargained with the celestial traffic controller, reminding it that I was doing a good thing by supporting a friend, I wanted to be there, had gotten up extra early to arrive on time….ad naseum.
Once I let out one good warrior yell; think Edvard Munch’s iconic image The Scream, I felt so much better, and as a bonus, had actually arrived on time to hear my friend speak.
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It occurred to me that most people experience anger when they feel that circumstances are beyond their control or they believe they have been wronged in some way. That was about where I was. I was able to blow off steam so that the kettle didn’t boil over and I could calmly walk into the hotel ballroom that was already filled with colleagues without creating a ‘disturbance in the Force’. When I consider the positive uses for anger, I call to mind Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr. and one Jesus of Nazareth who were able to channel their anger toward injustice.
Grant that I may do the same.
Photo credit: Scream by dariuszka/flickr
Letting off the steam is a good thing but it also depends on good judgement to channel the anger towards the right direction. Thanks for the post, it was a good read.
Thank you. I have seen what happens when there is no good release valve):