It seems we are leaving little up our sleeve for the second date, and our brains simply aren’t ready for it.
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The online dating world is messing with our brains. There is so much wrong with the static nature of the information we receive and process when we have our very dynamic hearts attached to the outcome. We are missing vital pieces to the puzzle of how we analyze our likes, our dislikes, and our preferences in everyday life.
It’s all a game to our brains. … But the rules of engagement have changed.
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We are missing the face-to-face that gives us the look, the glance, the smile. We miss the sense of analyzing how someone dresses and the nuanced behaviors about the individual in front of us. This is all how we normally make our assessments of people before we decide if we ‘like’ them.
It’s all game to our brains. And we are addicted to the hit of the online ‘like’ – the sound of a notification and the thrill of the emotionally attached anticipation and excitement experienced from a static image. But the rules of engagement have changed.
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I’m a ‘mature’ woman who has re-entered the dating scene. It’s changed a lot since my early 20’s of going to a bar and meeting a guy. The rules of engagement are different, but the expectation of winning the game and finding love is still the desired result.
For you guys, it goes something like this:
Is she hot? ‘like’ – Instant turn on.
Did she ‘like’ me? Yes – Instant turn on.
It’s a pretty simple format. Post a few images that make you look hot, funny, and a bit cute, write a scripted bio about your best features, press Enter, and silently hope that the world of ‘available’ isn’t going to judge you too harshly or laugh out loud at your images.
On the more openly flirtatious sites, you get to display all your sexual preferences for the members to see. It’s not a bad screening tool I suppose, but didn’t we used to keep that up our sleeve until at least the second date? It seems we are no longer into wasting time on trial and error.
You find a match that you find visually appealing. They haven’t thrown up at the thought of you either, so naturally you go to an Inbox chat. The adrenaline starts to rise and blood rushes to your brain and back down again, but it’s already started to go a little wrong in the brain.
In my own experience, I was disillusioned by the ‘matches’ I was getting on regular sites. I recently joined Tinder as a bit of an experiment. Nothing could have prepared my brain for what was about to unfold. Several conversations with ‘Adam’ went something like this.
Adam: Hi
Me: Hi Adam, tell me a little about you
Adam: Where do you live? Have you got some pics?
Me: Yes, on my profile
Adam: Do you want to see my ……. (anatomy)
Me: Depends what you can do with it
Adam: It’s very hard….
Now these conversations can easily escalate into a sexting frenzy of exchanging semi-clad lingerie or nudies and videoes usually resulting in at least one party reaching orgasm. Instant gratification at it’s finest.
So much for the first date!
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The brain is about to be in major conflict over this from the pre-conceived idea of whom it is that you are going to meet.
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When this transpires into a face-to-face, real life dating experience, the two of you are already essentially between the sheets before you’ve made the pre-dinner drinks. It should at very least take the pressure off, but it hasn’t.
The brain has already scrambled the information–processed it into a person largely created out of fantasy. Dreams and desires have started to build an expectation of what might become.
Life is always good in Fantasyland, but you have heightened the expectations and created judgments that you don’t even know exist. You have put a voice to the images and a personality to the scripted text. The brain is about to be in major conflict over this from the pre-conceived idea of whom it is that you are going to meet.
And then she turns up.
She doesn’t sound the same as the sweet voice you imagined. Her hair is different and she’s not as tall, as petite, or as curvy as her images portrayed. She seems a little older, or younger, but not the same as the dynamic visual you created in your head.
You had developed an expectation of whom you were going to meet, and if that is not met as placed in your mind’s eye, or it’s met with different sensory input, you are instinctively put into judgment mode. Good or bad, you still make a judgment, and importantly so has she.
These frenetic processes will either leave you both disconnected or connected. Your heart, at the very forgotten core of the entire process, will either be in pain or ecstasy.
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Our brains don’t know the rules of the online dating game. They have been conditioned to a different way of being and assessing vital instincts like safety, connection, and a sense of belonging. It has taken away the parameters of everything our brains are conditioned to process and has essentially re-scrambled them.
It’s inevitably a game every single dating person will play from here on in. To survive and thrive in this environment, and to really enjoy this process, we must have a few new parameters to live by.
Have A Strong Sense Of Self
No one can take away from us what we truly own.
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Having a really clear picture of who you are in the world will save you from the fear of judgment so strongly attached to online dating. Be absolutely crystal clear about your worthiness, values, and unique gift you give to the world.
A mantra I live by: No one can take away from us what we truly own.
Conversely, be very clear about the person you wish to attract. This is something we can only have in place once we have our own sense of self-worth firmly in place.
Expect The Unexpected
The first law of safety to the human brain is to assess what we know as ‘threat.’ The brain processes this from many different sensory inputs. When we are in the safety of our homes, communicating via phone or IM, there is little threat present. But threat is not just a Sabre tooth tiger. It’s any time when we have lack of a predictable outcome. So your ability to predict and respond to situations is key. Go prepared to think outside the square, to know that you are going to be presented with something that may not meet your pre fabricated expectations. Lessening the threat and increasing the predictability that it will be different than what you imagined will help you respond rather than react.
Take The Time It Takes
We need to move past the threats and fears of our survival instincts and into a pace where we create connection and belonging.
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Your ideal date may not be what you imagined, but that doesn’t mean it is wrong either. Don’t be too quick to judge. Allow time to get to know each other and let the brain do its normal work of making all the assessments it needs in order to sense a chemical response that will draw you to the person in front of you … or not.
Ideally in relationships we look for thrive rather than survive. We need to move past the threats and fears of our survival instincts and into a pace where we create connection and belonging.
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If you are single, online dating is merely a tool to take you to that place of connection. To thrive in this environment, you have to enter the game with an open mind, be accepting of changeable rules, and be prepared to adapt to new boundaries.
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Image credit: Pro Juventute/flickr