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I am 52 years old and have been dating since well before I was 18.
I’ve had mostly open relationships my entire life, some poly ones, with some lasting in excess of 10 years and some shorter.
I’ve been married. I’ve been divorced. I’ve been in relationships with couples and been in a couple with a relationship with another person. I’ve dated clowns. I’ve dated sex workers, introverts, extroverts, exhibitionists, voyeurs, and people for whom sex was not all that interesting. I’ve dated men and women, non-binary people and people that didn’t have a lot of use for gender at all.
I’ve cheated and, since then found ethical non-monogamy and not had to cheat. I’ve been cheated on and had rules broken, likely broken some myself, set new ones, had no rules sometimes, Gone monogamous for stretches of time and gone crazy for other stretches. I’ve had times in my life where there was too much sex (it can happen) and times when there was too little.
A lot of people ask me questions about fetish and dating because I am an out, accessible person who has been in this lifestyle for a long time. And people want to know things. Things that I should be able to tell them. And sometimes I can. Hygiene, techniques, role plays, consent models, contracts, how to use various devices, ways to maximize aftercare, etc. I have no problem talking about any of those things. It’s fun.
But there are things I honestly can’s say. I believe that being magnanimous and uncontrolling and trying to help your partner build their fantasies make relationships stronger. I hope it does.
I can’t tell you for sure.
I believe that an open relationship, built on trust and compersion is natively stronger than a relationship where people are jealous of each other’s sexuality.
I can’t tell you for sure.
I believe that honesty trumps “don’t ask don’t tell” obfuscation and suppression, hiding and keeping your sex life to yourself.
I can’t tell you for sure.
I believe that the relationships in my past that ended would have ended more quickly, possibly, had they been monogamous and the other person had fewer options.
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I can’t tell you for sure.
I believe that the only relationship that lasts forever is the one you happen to be in when you die, but that they all have value and they are all worth it.
I can’t tell you for sure.
And I believe that most people are good and honestly enter relationships with at least a little good faith, wanting them to work, no matter how we demonize them once it ends.
I can’t tell you for sure.
But more than anything, I believe that there is no one perfect way of dating any more than there is one perfect person or perfect sandwich (this is a core tenet of mine) but that experiences can hopefully make us richer, not poorer, if we take care with one another and remember that as beautiful and strong and brilliant that human beings can be, it isn’t all that hard to break one for a little while.
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Jim Marcus is an artist, musician, and typographer from Chicago, Illinois. He was one of the originators of the Industrial music scene as the lead singer of the band Die Warzau, has played in over 30 other projects and currently heads up the band Go Fight.
