In Sunday Aikido class, Jackson and I practiced ryote kokyunage (breath throw) suwari-waza (sitting position). We’re both Godan (5th degree black belt). We’ve trained together for over 25 years. We’re like brothers, like family. We make each other greater. I have nothing but mad love and respect for Jackson.
Sensei said, “You have to open up.” I loosened and extended my arm holding onto Jackson’s wrist, not pulling in my arm. When I pull in my arm, I hold my fear inside me. I had to open up. Let go of my fear inside. When I opened up that freed up my falls. I freed myself. I practiced that over, and over, and over, and over again. Practice makes the unnatural, natural. Just train.
After class, Sensei said, “You know all the (Aikido) techniques. You just have to open up.” He tilted his head to the sun and opened his arms wide apart. I nodded. I got it. I said, “Yeah, I have to open up everything. Not just in Aikido. I have to open up everything in life.” Sensei smiled. I smiled back. I open up in life. Let it go.
The late Mizukami Sensei taught both Ishibashi Sensei and me. Mizukami Sensei said, “Just train.” We put our heads down. Put in the work. Just train. Mizukami Sensei was a father to both Sensei and me. Aikido is about freedom. I open up. I free me. I’m free to be me.
Before Aikido practice, I felt sorry for myself. Dating women isn’t easy, much less finding a romantic relationship, being who I am and what I look like. I’m 5’ 3”. I’m not handsome. I’m not what women want. I let go that I’m not good enough for a woman over, and over, and over again. Just train.
In Aikido, I stand straight and tall when I wait out the attack. Well, I stand as tall as I can. The attacker is bigger and stronger than me. I told Ishibashi Sensei, “In my mind, I’m 6′ 2.” Sensei sincerely looked at me. He placed his hand on the middle of his chest. He said, “It’s what’s here.” What I need is inside me, in my heart. I open up.
When the 250-pound man comes to punch me, I wait it out. I open up. I take the glancing blow if I have to. It’s one time. I apply the Aikido technique to myself whether that’s iriminage (clothesline technique to the head) or kotegaeshi (wristlock). It’s me against me. I choose to let the attacker pass or end the attack. The attacker chooses to continue his attack or stand down. We both choose.
In life, I wait it out, too. I take life’s glancing blow for what’s meaningful to me. That’s the possibility of falling madly and deeply in love. I work on myself, not on others. I choose who I am and what I do. O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” I overcome myself. I open up to the possibility of falling madly and deeply. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not.
I open up. Keep my heart open. Let the chips fall where they may—just saying. Amen.
***
Support The Good Men Project on Patreon to help us build a better, more inclusive world for all.
***
Photo credit: iStockPhoto
