Opposite Sex Connection After Fifty

There is an abundance of dating after divorce or relationship later in life articles here on Medium, which are all well and good. But what about having and making friendships with the opposite sex later in life. How does it work when you are have begun the process of decoupling and building a life for yourself? I feel like I am now entering a strange world that is more alien than anything I have ever been used to.

As a teenager, I always thought that friendship was important (like most of us), even though I felt I was a bit rubbish at it compared to others. I was part of a mixed group in later school life, and I remember feeling major anxiety, seeing boyfriends and girlfriends who really hurt each other when they broke up. I remember thinking that I never want to do that much harm to anyone (though I recognise now that was also partly due to abandonment issues and unresolved childhood traumas). Still, it seemed to give me a boundary that encouraged young women to be friends with me and feel safe. Falling for a girl from a Nordic country helped too, as I could make someone who was only around for a few months my limerent object.

Nordic Trees. Photo by Author

Anyway, back to the main thread of this article, from working in local radio to church and college, I was always happy to be in a gang of women (perhaps with an occasional other guy). I guess I might have seemed like a “safe” person, or maybe it was assumed I was gay because just having a relationship with just anyone wasn’t my style? Perhaps I felt safe in a non-hyper masculinised environment? Or an distorted religious view point? Whatever the reason, my mantra of “Do no harm” pervaded everything — even if it meant doing harm to myself.

After getting married, I worked initially with people with Learning Difficulties and Autism, where most co-workers were female, and the same with counselling training later on. Having a church life brought some men friends who were comfortable with a caring side, but I presume I was never seen as threatening or out for a bit on the side — because I wasn’t. More so when children came along, bringing toddlers along to groups and being the only man there sometimes was never difficult for me, and often went along with a mum friend or two. There were possibly a couple of potentially times when the marriage was a bit rocky, and emotional intimacy could have led elsewhere. Still, again there was a determination to “do the right thing”, so nothing happened. Also I reflect now, I wonder was it was coupled with disbelief that I was worth it?

That takes us to now. Especially post lockdowns, I feel the lack of female friends deeply. The women I have made friends with through parenting, work, training etc., have naturally scattered into their own worlds. I am now emerging out of a twenty-year relationship to find things are very different, alien even. Not yet single, but not attached anymore, I long to connect and to share. I am lucky to have a few male, safe friends, but there is something of a different flow with the opposite sex for me. Here’s where things get super strange in my view.

Reaching out to women who were important in my life, those who shared fun times with children or discussed deep things through counselling training or just simple life connections has taken on the feel of a minefield. Most of the approaches made to reconnect with contacts lost are met with silence. Occasionally a cautious but stunted reply, one or two real kindnesses, but no more. Apparently, men these days are seldom capable of just being friends; now, whether this is age-related or across the spectrum, I don’t know. Is it just assumed we only want casual sex or a long term relationship? Nothing else? I mean, I understand that there are many “insert own swear word here” males out there and have written about that before (with very clickbait titles!) I Hate Men (By A Man) Part 1 and Part 2. It seems they have coloured intergender relationships for the worse, especially for us who grew up at the end of the Twentieth Century!

I will tell you a secret. I can find a woman incredibly sexually and personally attractive — and not want any more than friendship. Maybe I am odd and peculiar, but I don’t feel a lack in me that needs filling or a desire that can only be filled by someone else. I have very strong emotions across the whole spectrum, but they are mine and mine alone! As I said, deep conversation and a realness, an intenseness for sure, are the important things;

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Oh and hugs. I am big on hugs — again, just for a hugs sake, not meaning anymore. I do a love that is not expecting anything in return but (big but) giving my heart is a rare, unusual thing. I know now that the one thing I need from any of my relationships is kindness. Kindness and respect are what I will give, and that’s what I need in return. If the other party can’t be kind, then sorry, but it’s a “No” from me.

One more thing. Has romance disappeared? What happened to the way of being between friendship, commitment and animal sex? Am I terribly old fashioned, dreaming of adventure and flirting and having fun? It seems that our “swipe left” culture has left us bereft of the gentlemanly ideals of the 1940’s films, which, to be fair, were probably still quite rare in those days. Maybe I have those ideals because there were many such films on Irish TV in the 1980s, but there is something gentler and less predatory in my mind about it. Or perhaps I have been born out of time! Anyway that’s where I am, and I am sure I am not the only one.

“Answers on a postcard, please”, but I hope that friendship and romance and kindness still exist. Even if they are like a treasure of the rarest value! Would love to hear more positive experiences!

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This post was previously published on Equality Includes You.

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