TASK #21: OUR FATHER
“It’s a dull child that knows less than his father”. Unknown
There is no more complicated relationship than a father/son relationship. Well, maybe husband/wife, but you can divorce your wife, and you can’t divorce your dad. But the relationship between a dad and his son shouldn’t be complicated, should it? It should be simple: Son loves Dad. Dad loves son.
I loved my dad and I love my sons, but like all blood relationships there are swirling emotions that draw us together, and keep us apart.
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But it’s not simple. At least it wasn’t simple for me and my dad, nor is it simple between me and my sons. I loved my dad and I love my sons, but like all blood relationships there are swirling emotions that draw us together, and keep us apart.
I have argued with my sons about things great and small, and afterward I will castigate myself and wonder why I am not a better father. I wish that when I was a young man I had taken a moment to think about fatherhood, but like most boys I never thought growing up, let along fathering a child–hell, it never crossed my mind. I believe, as a matter of fact, that most men don’t think a lick about parenting until their woman says to them, “I think my water broke”, and then, 24 hours later, they’re fathers.
My own father was simple. Primitive. He was not an intellect. He looked rural and he acted rural. Like most men of his era he was mildly racist, sexist and homophobic, I can tell you unequivocally that if he had seen two men kiss each other he would have fallen to the ground and died, not necessarily in that order.
I loved my father, but I didn’t necessarily respect him.
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I loved him but I didn’t necessarily respect him. In my opinion he was too passive, too pliant. He didn’t control his surrounding–his surroundings controlled him. And that which he couldn’t change, or understand, he lashed out at. I wanted to be close to him, but I was wary of him.
Complicated.
You don’t get to pick your father, of course. You get what you get. The question is: what if we could pick our fathers?
TASK:
You are going to create your perfect father. Open your notebook, find some crayons or colored pencils or just cut pictures out of a magazine. Create the father you see in your mind’s eye. Give him the house he should live in, the car he should drive, the job he should have–and if that man even remotely resembles your actual father– congratulations. And if he doesn’t, well at least you have the drawing, and a notion of what kind of father you want to be, or could be…
Photo by Thomas Leuthard
Personally, I was deeply touched by your article. Also, professionally, your article connected with me. I used it, with full credit to you, in an inpatient treatment group that I run for adolescents who are chemically dependent. The response was very strong and positive to your article. It opened up conversation around parents and the choices that youth have, even when their parents are unhealthy and abusive. While this is not where your story went, the youth that I work with have varied backgrounds and often have difficult and complex relationships with their parents. Your article made an impact not… Read more »