My wife and I have agreed not to see each other for a while, as part of what we’re calling a ‘trial separation’. We needed something not too complicated to describe our situation to friends and family when they ask what the hell is going on. And I like this term, because of the sense of possibility – and lack of finality – which it conveys, leaving the door open to us either reaching some sort of reconciliation in the future or becoming sure that ending our relationship is the best thing for us.
Having had a fairly miserable Christmas together we decided to stop pretending that we’re feeling in any way close, and take some time to think about why that is and how we want to move forward, rather than just going around in what felt like ever-decreasing circles. We both realised we needed to change how we were relating to each other. The big decision for us now is whether or not we should try to put the necessary work into repairing and rebuilding the emotional bridge between us, or whether we’ve drifted too far apart for that to be practical and so it would be better for both of us to go our separate ways. Out of respect for each other it seemed right to give ourselves some time to think about it all. One big reason for our split was our failure to successfully live under one roof as a blended family. I don’t hold my teenaged stepson completely responsible for that, but his unwillingness to engage with the rest of the family in a positive way created a lot of stress for his mother and drove quite a big wedge between us.
Separating at this point has been relatively painless because we both have our own houses, that we’ve been occupying since last summer when we decided to try “living together apart”. That seemed like a good compromise at the time, but we found that we had a diminishing number of things in common, so that staying involved in each other’s lives has not really worked in practise. We’re not geographically all that far apart, but there’s very little overlap between our work, friends or family. And when you’re not sharing a regular bed with somebody, all those other things become more important in terms of creating a feeling of being joined together in any way. Limiting our relationship to doing fun stuff on a weekend hasn’t given us enough common ground to build a sense of mutual connection.
The two weeks that we’ve spent apart so far has been really valuable for me in terms of shedding some light on exactly what had been going on for me emotionally. I’ve become more aware of the buried feelings which were sabotaging our mutual trust and reflecting on whether there was, or is, anything I could do about it. When you’re caught up in a stressful situation it’s natural to put a lot of energy into coping and keeping everything functioning in a reasonable way, but the core issues and conflicts tend get buried to the point where it gets hard to see what they are any more. And that makes it very hard to know what to do about them!
Often when I wake up the morning, memories and thoughts about our time together have been bubbling to the surface and I get more clarity about what my often confused and ambivalent feelings were. I’ve been able to see what was behind my defensiveness and coping strategies and the extent to which I was creating and contributing to the misunderstandings and negativity which had grown up between us. Before this, in the back of my mind I believed that, even though I was definitely making a contribution, the main responsibility for the problem in our relationship lay with my wife and her son.
I couldn’t see the extent to which I was the one actually creating a lot of the tensions because it was painful for me to take that responsibility, and much easier to be criticising and blaming her. I’ve now realised how much reassurance I’d needed from my wife, but how unwilling I’d been to admit that to her. I’d guess she sees me as a pretty self-assured and confident person – we men are good at projecting that mask no matter how uncertain we may be feeling – so that even though I was increasingly unhappy and anxious, and that was leaking out in various kinds of ways, she had no idea what was going on for me or what to do about it – and not unreasonably assumed that it was because I was losing interest in her. It’s tragic how wrong assumptions can feed on and build up each other when there’s not enough trust and communication for them to be set straight.
Because we’ve agreed not to be in touch for a while, at this stage I’ve no idea whether my wife is also reflecting on wat she needs from me, or ways that she could act differently with me – which for me would be the key elements of any decision to get back together. But I know that’s out of my hands; all I can do is keep an open mind and heart in relation to whatever she may be going through and is able to share with me. And hopefully, when we do meet up to talk things over, we can be completely honest with each other about what we’re feeling so we can see what kind of fit, if any, there is now between us. I feel sure that being more honest with myself about what I’m feeling and what I need from us being together is the most important step I can take in that direction
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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