It was my birthday last week.
I have never dreaded getting older…in fact, I think I am gaining more and more clarity about myself with each passing year. The clouds of idealism, romance, and the stupid notions of perfection fade and it becomes easier for me to accept the chaos that life is…instead of fighting it like I did when I was younger.
42 is a good age, my daughter is a teenager and she seemed more excited about my birthday than I was. My husband did the routine flowers, cake and the usual suspects were invited for dinner, the same couple whom we have been socializing or should I say bubble socializing with since covid hit.
What a year it has been!!
Last year this time, I was still reeling from the after-effects of “sex” with my husband after four years…there were stages to it, but I have already written about that.
One year has passed…it’s been tough.
After Innumerable failed and repeated attempts of communicating with my husband, desperately trying to rekindle what’s lost, and trying to get him to see me as a woman…I finally gave up.
I spoke to him one last time, at our ritualistic anniversary dinner, and told him what I felt. I do want him to be relaxed, happier…in whatever way he can.
It’s been a long, excruciating, exhausting, evolving journey. This slow and deliberate process of my marriage breaking down, into just a co-parenting situation…has changed me, us.
We (husband and I) have both learned a lot, I am guessing (cannot really speak for him, because he hardly speaks to me).
One thing I have learned for sure is, we are still not ready to divorce. The combined pressure of our traditional families and friends makes it impossible. Just thinking about it makes me want to go to sleep…it would be a herculean task, and neither of us is ready for it yet.
But it will come, sooner or later. I have never written this before…but now I am.
We had basic concern and camaraderie before…now, there is just neutral stoicism.
There is nothing there.
Yes, we do our duties, we make sure of the well-being and safety of our unit, our family. But otherwise… we are both detached, aloof, disinterested. There are many words to describe this.
It probably makes him very happy, coz I have stopped…trying to fix US. There is nothing left to fix for me.
But he ….He is delusional I think. He is either great at keeping this charade up, or he has convinced himself that I have somehow accepted the life of celibacy, and suddenly a highly sexual and romantic person like me is happily living the life of a nun, with no passion or intimacy in her life…forever!!
Whoa whoa, dude!!! No way….I am gonna die trying to get laid, hopefully with the man I love.
Take my birthday celebration…we were drinking, chatting with the couple we had invited. The lady commented on how lucky I was coz he got me flowers and a cake, “so romantic”…those were the words she used.
I couldn’t help but snigger, (in my defense I had already polished off half a bottle of red). His reaction was instantaneous, he immediately got all pissed and asked, “Why are you sniggering?”, to which I laughed even louder. He was enraged I could see it, but I did not engage in that fucked up argument.
I knew what he was thinking…How dare I taint his perfect husband image in public?
He certainly is delusional about the state of affairs…his reactions never cease to surprise me.
What the fuck does he really think? Four fucking years ago…he proclaimed loss of passion for me, and then he drunk fucked me unexpectedly last year…refusing to acknowledge that for months until I exploded…
Since then, it has been calm…and this doesn’t seem like the calm before the storm. Its more like the ruins of the aftermath…
Broken, flooded, damaged…but still, calm, quiet.
I always wondered what the exact opposite of love was…for a long time I thought it was hate…
Apathy
Yes, that is what this is. It’s not hate… it’s surely not love. It’s plain old APATHY.
[ ap-uh-thee ]noun, plural ap·a·thies.
— absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.
— lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.
Also ap·a·thei·a, ap·a·thi·a [ap-uh-thee-uh]. Stoicism. freedom from emotion of any kind.
My marriage is this …Apathy, Indifferent…Quiet.
The silence was deafening, but now I am used to it. I hope it stays silent.
Happy Birthday To Me!!
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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