So many of us have been there.
Lingering awkwardly in an unfulfilling situationship. Feeling subtly disrespected and largely unseen. Clutching on to someone blatantly unable or unwilling to fulfil our needs.
But when you do this, you are taking a backseat in your own life.
You are undermining yourself.
This article sheds light on why you find yourself in these situations and empowers you to take the first step towards reclaiming control. It reveals how radical self-honesty can transform the way you talk to yourself and how you can use it to craft a more fulfilling and empowered life.
Getting stuck in icky situationships
It’s the tension lurking deep in your stomach. The persistent unease you refuse to indulge. You know that if you were to journey into the darkest pockets of your mind, you would find hundreds of question marks hovering in the shadows.
Something is seriously amiss.
But you won’t do anything about it. Will you?
You crawl along, ignoring your instincts, your mind overflowing with flimsy excuses, pretending all is ok.
If your romantic dynamics are leaving you with the self-worth of a piece of discarded chewing gum, it might be time to consider a change.
It might be time to:
- be honest with yourself about what you want
- validate your feelings
- demand more from the world.
Radical self-honesty is a tool for this.
It can fundamentally shift your inner dialogue and transform how you relate to yourself.
It can help you own your needs, drop the ambivalence and embrace reality.
It can help you STOP taking a backseat in your own life.
Does that sound appealing?
I hope so because you are worthy of a relationship that fulfils you.
…
Why do you do it?
There’s an irritating allure to push/pull and toxic dating dynamics, the tantalising assurance of safety and satisfaction just out of reach. You surf the addictive waves of anxiety and relief as you become entwined with the hope of what could be.
In your darkest moments, despair washes over, and you prepare to admit defeat. Yet your resolve dissolves the second you are gifted an unexpected moment of connection — an illusion of bliss made all the more precious by how rare and fleeting it is.
Why do we do it?
As a therapist (and person who has relationships), one of the most valuable things I have learnt about dating, attachment and relationships is this:
In romantic relationships, we are not drawn to what fulfils and nourishes us; instead, we gravitate to what feels familiar.
Let’s break this down.
If, when you were a tiny human, you felt scared or dismissed, you’ll seek that out as an adult. If the care you received felt conditional, inconsistent or unpredictable, that’s what you’ll find yourself drawn to.
The pesky critter that is your unconscious mind stubbornly clings to these experiences, then sets out to painstakingly recreate them once you reach dating age.
The familiarity feels safe and appealing.
It is what you associate with love.
…
Drop your endless excuses
Ok, so when it comes to relationships, your sneaky unconscious mind keeps goading you down dark alleyways full of frustration and regret.
Then what happens?
Does your conscious mind, the pesky critters’ more evolved cousin, jump in to gently steer you in a more fulfilling direction?
Nope.
It makes the situation worse. It generates excuses to rationalise your sucky situationships and pain-inducing relationships.
You delude yourself with the desperate promise that change is imminent. They’re working on it. It’ll be different when…
With a mindful Buddha-like smile, you impart to yourself the wisdom that your special someone is acting out because of their trauma. You are not a pushover. No no! You are compassionate and psychologically aware.
Or you might stubbornly insist you are content with the status quo. You’ve got your shizzle going on. It’s better for you this way,
In your rawest moments, you even question…
Do you want too much?
Is your anxious attachment seeking excessive reassurance, your discomfort purely a product of your own insecurities?
At some point, you may lose touch with your autonomy altogether, passively dismissing your discomfort with a faded smile and nonchalant shrug.
…
Break free with radical self-honesty
Imagine if, instead of investing all that energy into neglecting your needs, you channelled it into understanding what truly benefits you.
This is where radical self-honesty comes in. It’s a tool that empowers you to break free from the excuses you’ve been making and take charge of your own happiness.
Have you heard these expressions?
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Or…
Don’t date potential.
Are you dating a real person or a fantasy of who you want them to be? Confront your reality right now.
1. Bring in a locus of control.
So often, my clients use the words ‘I don’t know’.
I don’t know why I do it (shrug). I don’t know why I feel this way (sigh).
These words divorce you from your autonomy, which can be weirdly comforting if you are ambivalent about change.
Try challenging yourself with expressions like “I am choosing…” instead.
For example:
I am choosing to be with someone who refuses to talk about feelings and tells me, ‘I think too much’.
2. Stop making excuses. Let go of self-blame and self-doubt. Own what you want and need.
It would be so easy at this point to say, “But I am a sensitive person. My emotional needs might be too much for them,” or “They are considering therapy. Our conversations will shift over time”.
What would it look like to drop the promise of change, not because it is impossible, but because it is not yet a reality?
What would it be like to pinpoint what you want and validate it without drowning out your needs with the ubiquitous fear of being too much?
For example, you might say:
I am an emotion-driven person, and I value deep, stimulating conversations. Relating in this way makes me feel seen.
3. Locate your feelings.
It’s hard to escape those endless thought circles sometimes;
What’s reasonable to ask for? What is too much? Maybe they have different expectations…blah blah blah…puke.
Often, there is no clear answer to this dull train of questions chugging around and around the exhausted chasms of your mind.
Whilst your needs are valid, there is often no objective truth about right or wrong. There is no independent council to adjudicate when something becomes unforgivable. You cannot ask ChatGPT to whip up a formula to calculate the moment any hope of change is lost.
Eventually, you have to defer to yourself. You have to trust your body and your instincts. You have to spend a little time with your heart.
You have to feel your situation rather than merely thinking about it.
That is, not how you should feel or want to believe you feel but how you actually feel.
What happens in your body when you are with the person you are dating? What emotions arise when you hear from them? Be specific, for example:
I feel deflated when I talk about my feelings and they change the subject.
4. Own your patterns.
What is familiar to us does not just feel safe; often, it is what we think we deserve.
It is so excruciatingly painful and heartbreaking when we convince ourselves that we are too much, that what we long for is not available to us, and that it is somehow our fault when we do not get it.
Young, scared, and confused parts of us grasp onto these beliefs with their tiny, chubby fingers. They do not know any better. And these beliefs then drive our relationship choices.
See if you can lovingly pinpoint some of your primary dating patterns. What do you notice happening time and again with different partners?
For example:
I have a pattern of being with partners who I feel dismissed by when I state specific needs.
Then, if it makes sense, relate these patterns to childhood experiences or core beliefs. For example:
When I was a child, my parents were busy working, and their attention was inconsistent. I believed that my needs were not a priority.
5. Be clear on what you deserve.
I challenge you to move beyond your limiting core beliefs.
Is any baby born unworthy of love and safety?
Would you ever tell another person they did not deserve consistency and care?
What would you say to a friend or family member for whom your heart is bursting with love? What would you say to a child you utterly adore?
What do you say to yourself as a child?
Now, write down what you KNOW you deserve.
I deserve to feel cared for and valued. I deserve to have my emotional needs met.
6. Sum it up
Combine all your statements to summarise your situation.
I am choosing to be with someone who refuses to talk about feelings and tells me I overthink. When they do this, I feel deflated. I am emotion-driven and value deep, stimulating conversations that make me feel seen.
My parents were busy working when I was a child, and their attention was inconsistent. I believed my needs were not a priority. Sometimes, I stay with partners who I felt dismissed by. I deserve to feel cared for and valued. I deserve to have my emotional needs met.
And there you go.
It’s radically loving.
It’s radically honest.
It’s radically empowering.
If you change NOTHING in your external circumstances, you’ve still made a change.
You have stopped hiding your situation from yourself.
You have stopped denying what you need and deserve.
You have owned your feelings.
Statements like this are not blaming. They are not attacking. They do not destroy the notion of potential change or deny compassion for others.
They clarify what you are getting and what you need to be happy.
They are a step towards asking for what you want, understanding your deal-breakers and assessing real compatibility.
Radical self-honesty could be just the push you need to step into the driver’s seat of your life.
At the very least, it should set you on the right path.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Julia Zyablova on Unsplash