Over the years I have known many parents and especially Moms at one time or another, feeling inadequate in the parenting department or that they are not doing as good of a job as other parents. Or possibly that they have been doing the parenting thing completely wrong.
This can feel especially apparent if you have a difficult, not-so-easy-going child or teenager who keeps you on your toes on the daily. You question everything you have done in all of your child-rearing years since their birth wondering to yourself “Where exactly did I go wrong? Why is my child so difficult compared to all of the other kids I see who behave so much better??”
I want any parent who has a difficult, challenging child to know, you are not alone!
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Since my daughter came out of the womb, she has never been an easy child and has a challenging temperament. She was my first born so I figured I was doing the whole parenting thing wrong as I had no idea what I was doing.
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On her first birthday, I gave her some of her birthday smash cake. Rather than liking the sugary frosting or sweet taste of the cake, she immediately started screaming and crying at the top of her lungs as if she was being tortured and the worst thing that had ever happened to her.
She wouldn’t stop screaming for at least half an hour. We tried to take some birthday pics and every single one has her screaming and her face red and puffy. I should have braced for impact then for what was to come in the later years.
At age 2 she was already super independent, would not let me dress her or pick out her outfits, and giving me a major attitude, preparing me way in advance for her teenage years. Now that she is almost 15 I have already had years of practice under my belt dealing with unpredictable moods, eye rolls, and that “Mom, you know next to nothing” look.
When you go out in public and your children are easy-going and well-behaved, you receive compliments such as “Oh your children are such good kids! They are so well-behaved!”
In their mind and maybe your mind, this is attributed to your awesome parenting skills. When in actuality it has little to nothing to do with your parenting skills and more to do with their overall disposition and personality they were born with.
I used to always think I was somewhat inadequate in my skills as a parent when my daughter was growing up because her behavior was always problematic. I dreaded leaving the house and going out in public because she could be unpredictable and a meltdown was inevitable at some point of the outing.
Once I had my son who is laid-back and easy-going, similar to my personality, I realized it really had nothing to do with my parenting. They both had the same parents as well as the same upbringing and environment but completely differing personalities, innate dispositions, and behavior.
It’s probably a good thing I had a second child, otherwise I would have always questioned what I did wrong for my daughter to be so challenging like this!
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When she was young and was having a hard day behavior-wise, I tried time-outs, tried the positive parenting approach, tried having a logical discussion, being stern, even raising my voice, but none of it ever worked.
The one approach for me that actually worked when her behavior was going south was to have a cooling-off period for both of us. When emotions are running high on your end, your best bet is to walk away calmly and state “I can see you’re having a hard time and need some time right now. I would like to talk to you about it later when you are calmer.” Once your focus is off of them, their bad behavior subsides and they stop trying to challenge you and your authority.
If your emotions are running high, at that point do something to calm yourself down, take a walk, do yoga, have some hot tea, etc. until you feel more in control of yourself.
I also found that giving them choices gives a difficult child more autonomy and the illustration that they have more control of their situation. If they feel they are not being forced, this makes them easier to manage. You can give them choices, such as what we are going to do, but all of the choices are things you approve of and can live with.
With emotionally volatile older children and teens, as strange as it sounds, sometimes writing things out instead of verbally conversing works better so they can respond when they are calmer without emotions being present or putting them on the defense.
As my daughter is now in the teenage years even though some days it is still a challenge, over time I am learning better strategies for working with her innate personality and disposition for a more loving, harmonious, and peaceful relationship.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Maria Lysenko on Unsplash
