And because I wasn’t a virgin – in fact, very far from it – when I met my now partner and the father of my one-year-old son, I am able to give my partner more of me.
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Like most women, I’ve been taught that my value depends on the number of times my vagina has been touched and/or penetrated. Thanks to religion and an emphasis on abstinence, I was told pieces of me would be taken away by those I decided to be intimate with, somehow becoming tarnished or less than or broken by the people who “had me”.
Thankfully, that line of reasoning didn’t stick.
In my promiscuous days, I didn’t feel different after I collected my things and walked out of the latest tryst’s bedroom. I didn’t feel dirty or shamed or slighted, because I chose to do an adult thing with another adult who also wanted to do that adult thing. I didn’t feel like I should apologize for the sex I was having—or who I was having it with—when the time came around and I decided I wanted to be committed to one man.
And because I wasn’t a virgin—in fact, very far from it—when I met my now partner and the father of our one-year-old son, I was able to give my partner more of me.
Because I wasn’t a virgin, my partner met a confident and self-loving woman.
Because I wasn’t a virgin, my partner met a woman who was self-assured and self-aware. I knew what I wanted, what I liked, and what I didn’t like. I had no trouble voicing all of the above to him; never shy about communicating my fantasies or talking about positions or any number of topics that fall under the umbrella of sex.
If we tried something and I liked it, I let him know. If we tried something else and it wasn’t doing it for me, I also let him know. I wasn’t afraid of appearing “difficult” and I wasn’t nervous about broaching a subject our society has deemed “taboo.” We were doing something together, and that required a few “yes, more” or “no, let’s try something else.”
Because I wasn’t a virgin, I wasn’t afraid to show off my body to my partner. I knew what it looked like in this position or that position, and felt positive and poised and assertive.
Because I wasn’t a virgin, my partner and I didn’t view sex as a “significant step” in our relationship. We didn’t put intercourse on a pedestal or assign some sort of value to the carnal time we spent together. It was an expression of our sexuality that didn’t pigeonhole one of us into a relationship or a commitment we weren’t ready for.
We could focus on other aspects of our relationship: trust, communication, exploration, and honesty. We made the things outside our sex life more important which, in turn, made our sex life that much better.
Because I wasn’t a virgin, my partner met a more complete and well-rounded woman. I had explored the parts of myself society continuously told me were “dirty” or “wrong” or “slutty,” taking full and proud ownership and an unapologetic stance regarding who I was, as a woman and a sexual being.
Because I wasn’t a virgin, I better understood the complexity of my identity and all the multifaceted parts of myself that make me who I am. I knew I could be professional and a partier and a girlfriend and a sister and a role model and, yes, wonderfully sexual. When so much of our life is spent trying to categorize ourselves as one thing or another, I knew I could be multiple things, all at once.
Because I wasn’t a virgin, my partner didn’t feel shame or guilt for his own sexual past. I didn’t ask him endless questions about the women he had previously slept with. I didn’t add value to his exes or his past relationships, just because they had been intimate. I didn’t consider him “ruined” or “used,” all because he had experienced other women.
So, if you’re in the midst of a budding relationship with a woman who is far from a virgin, be grateful. While religion or society—or, yes, even your pride—may tell you that she is less than or used or tainted, I can assure you, she is the exact opposite.
Because she’s not a virgin she is confident, well-rounded, self-assured and capable. She won’t hold sex up as the “end-all-be-all” and she won’t associate sex with commitment. She’s complex and multifaceted and capable of being multiple things simultaneously.
And if you’re not a virgin, that means so are you.
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Photo: Getty Images
Well it doesn’t look like it has worked for her at well. She is still some work in progress desperately looking for some justification she is struggling to attain for herself. It’s a pity she seeks it by self shaming instead of seeking professional counseling help. I kept reading and was like man this lady is like those party girls in skimpy outfits at a party looking like they are independently having fun but actually deep down in the heart they are desperate for a relationship. The problem is when the night ends without a hook up you see the… Read more »
What a silly article. So because I didn’t have sex until i was 23 meant I wasn’t very confident? I travelled round Australia at 19 on my own. I’m from the UK. I was confident on being me and my own person. So confident in me I didn’t feel the need to copy anyone else i knew and sleep with people for the sake of it. Because I was confident to say no. To be on my own. To walk into a bar on my own, have a good time, then go home alone. I’m now ten yrs into being… Read more »
Make sure your other half is also believe that otherwise you are going to ruin a romantic companionship.
Being a virgin doesn’t mean you’re not a confident, well-rounded, self-assured and a capable woman of course. But losing it was like giving you a triple reason to be stronger and fearless especially when you lose to a wrong person. It’s always about a matter of choices we made and how we chose to live with the consequences.
whaat? a non-virgin = confident, self-loving, self-assured, self-aware, know what you you want/like, have a voice, unafraid to show off your body to whom you love… then what about a virgin? what are you implying? intercourse is an important communication of trust, exploration, honesty too. also, sex should never be on a pedestal to start off with, but at the same time it shouldn’t be downgraded to some “carnal time” of course body has its own “need” for sex just like eating or defecating but sex has the highest psychological and emotional aspect among any physical activities why some people… Read more »
How about us?
If you feel good and confident, then that is enough. But to imply that someone who makes a different choice is somehow less … is not kind or constructive. This has earmarks akin to the “mommy wars” of different choices in parenting. The truth is: Any choice is a trade off. There is almost always something lost or something gained in anything we choose. (If you pick one entree from a menu, it means you are not getting to taste or enjoy all the other options that are available.) It needs to be enough that we acknowledge that different choices… Read more »
This article sounds like you are trying to somehow trying to convince yourself that you are okay with your past while actually struggling with it. I’ve had intercourse with two men in my life; I’m almost 33. My current parter is my husband, he is older and had many sexual partners in his younger days. His experience hasn’t intimidated me, or tinkered with my confidence. I don’t really care. I just care that he’s here with me now. My lack of promiscuity has not by any means stunted my self-confidence or self-knowledge as I had to gain it without the… Read more »
This is a great column on our society as a whole. Many Women want to feel empowered and in control. But, just as they are doing that, they are being used. I was a young man once. The girls that “ran around” we’re the ones that we never took home to Mom. The quiet, smart, witty, and committed girls were the attractive prize to settle down with and have a family. The “runners” seemed to have problems at home, didn’t feel loved,and were searching for something that a teenage boy couldn’t give them. And now, 25 years later, I still… Read more »
I agree with you Tateman. I once had a girlfriend, one that you just described above: “one that wanted to be in control, empowered, who had problems at home, who was/is “running around”, didnt feel loved, was searching for something, who wanted thrill and excitement and the unknowing” She would told me that she never loved anyone but me. She told she had many boyfriends, guys, she mad love with – just for fun and pleasure, she told me she never could commit to anyone. But I loved her, I really did. I wouldnt care about her past and her… Read more »
What your partner lost was that the act of intimacy is something special, sharing it with many anonymous partners erodes how special it is. In fact the act itself becomes a situation simply based on pleasuring yourself and maybe your partner but devoid of special intimacy and connection to a special partner. It’s wonderful that you’ve learned what makes you feel good physically and maybe what makes others feel good physically. It’s just my opinion, but that’s not what makes intimacy special, and I don’t see how that makes your monogamous partner feel special. Your partner may wonder …. “Gee… Read more »
Danielle
I think you should read your own article carefully .
How much time and deep reflections did you put in to produce this statement?
You sound like a snob boasting about your number,and frankly I do not see any intelligent insight here.
Damn, and just when I was starting to feel unashamed of being a virgin, too!
🙂
I’m quite frankly VERY dubious that all those character attributes are “because [she] wasn’t a virgin.” Indeed, the reverse causality may be more true than that. However we acquire positive character attributes and form our own affirmative identities, it probably has little to do with whether one is a virgin or not and much more to do with a whole range of experiences, including intimate experiences, with other human beings and what we LEARNED from those experiences. I’m personally without judgment of any kind regarding the sexual history of a person and far more interested in a person’s integrity, honesty,… Read more »
Well said!
Really????
I couldn’t disagree more. This article makes me sad.
I’m curious , why did it make you sad?
Probably should have left off that last bit. I mean, you do you, and all that… but there was really no sense in throwing women (or, well, anybody really) who are virgins under the bus, whether they are that way on purpose or not.
“Because she’s not a virgin she is confident, well-rounded, self-assured and capable. She won’t hold sex up as the “end-all-be-all” and she won’t associate sex with commitment. She’s complex and multifaceted and capable of being multiple things simultaneously.” Yeah… um… I imagine this article was written to empower women and their sexual freedom. What you accomplished though is strongly insinuating women who were virgins AREN’T confident, well-rounded, self-assured and capable (what does being sexually active make you more capable of, by the way? Just curious). Also, I dare say, good for you, but the average woman is not like this.… Read more »