Passive-aggressiveness in itself is an interesting concept, but passive-aggressive parenting takes it to a whole new level. With your basic passive-aggressiveness, you have the following parts that make the whole:
Aggression—active, violent, strong words, fists through walls
Passive—meek, mousy, quiet, martyrish.
Put them together and what do you get?
Passive-aggressiveness can be a powerful form of manipulation and it’s also quite insidious as it can be harder to pin down and hold someone accountable for. There’re no “Passive-Aggressive Classes” as there are for “Anger Management”.
Sarcasm is a version of this. It’s a way to say something biting and cutting while being able to also say, “But I was just kidding!” if you end up getting called out on it. You can say to someone, “You misunderstood my intent” (as if that were all that mattered.)
What passive-aggressiveness does is give you a temporary feeling of triumph while everyone else gets a simmering resentment. Now put a baby in the middle of this and things have really taken a turn. You don’t need a degree in mental health to know that isn’t a great foundation for a relationship, parent or partner.
Passive-Aggressive Parenting is “Chosen”
I put “chosen” in quotes because it’s probably not something we realize we’re choosing to do. If we’re known as a sarcastic person it’s probably because that’s been our line of defense for a while and after some time it’s been habitualized to how we express our aggression. Still, if it’s something we want to change, we can become more aware of how often we resort to being passive-aggressive instead of just saying how we feel. Bringing it into awareness gives us that choice.
Once we start to notice our passive-aggressive parenting we can try to learn when and why we pull it out. Often, we want to avoid the danger that aggressive-aggression can be or can lead to. Sometimes we don’t really want to have the confrontation, we just want the person to know that we’re angry, that we’re on to them, and that we’re displeased.
Early on in the life of new parents, there are plenty of possible reasons to get into a fight. Many arguments are simmering. There can be snapping and scarce patience because you’re operating on barely any sleep, there are constantly shifting demands from a new baby, and quite possibly a lack of emotional connection with the person who is/was your main emotional support.
The problem is, if you don’t directly say how you’re feeling, your baby can be the passive vehicle for your passive-aggressive parenting.
Expressing Feelings Through Baby Talk
Here’s the situation (and, heads up, this example is going to be very heteronormative): Dad has never changed a diaper before Junior arrived and he is understandably nervous about this. He’s doing his best, but he’s making some first-timer mistakes such as
- It’s going to leak at times,
- it’s going to be put on backward
- it’s going to be on too tight.
This can happen when there’s one parent with a steeper learning curve than the other and often, stereotypically, that’s dad.
Dad changes Junior and a few minutes later he overhears his partner say to the baby in a sing-song voice:
“Daddy didn’t get the diaper right again, did he? Oh, my goodness.”
Or some version of that.
That’s not meant for Junior, that’s meant for dad. Even if the partner didn’t know dad was listening. Mom is angry that she has to redo the diaper. She’s told dad again and again. Why can’t he get it right? Why does she have to double check everything he does!?
Dad may not be direct in how he feels either. He may just decide to stay longer and longer at work since everything he does is second-guessed. Maybe he’ll ignore the first three times he’s called upon to help and then be told he never listens.
Slowly but surely, Junior will become the real victim in this passive-aggressive parenting non-expression of feelings because he’s soaking up one of his first life lessons: how you treat each other.
A Way Out By Trusting
Did you learn to fight before the baby came? Was this sarcasm, ignoring, passive-aggressiveness part of your relationship since the early days? That’s fine if that’s the relationship you both want. It’s less fine now, though, since a third party has entered into the family dynamic.
Discuss with your partner just how you want to be able to communicate together. Remember that everything—everything—affects the baby in some way. I’m not saying this to make you so anxious you can’t say anything, but don’t discount the effect that the emotion in the room has on your child. Often, I’m told by parents of much older kids about something traumatic that happened in the early days and they say, “But he doesn’t remember” or “She was only an infant, she wasn’t aware of anything.”
Not so. Your child is sopping up that emotional energy and it’s how you respond to it that will make things easier or more challenging for them. I knew someone who was well-enough attuned to his baby to note that their sleep patterns changed when his father-in-law was visiting and could connect this to the greater tension between him and his wife during the stay.
Shouting all the time and actual aggressiveness is, of course, not the answer either, but finding a way to communicate in a direct manner can help. Trusting each other enough to be vulnerable regarding your parental insecurities can go a long way.
Of course, if these weren’t in place before the baby, you may be struggling to create them now and passive-aggressive parenting seems like it’s the only way to go, but it’s not. If you’re looking for some support, please get in touch and we can talk about what is getting in the way of you being the parent you want to be.
—
Originally published on Park Slope Therapist
—
◊♦◊
Here are more ways to become a part of The Good Men Project community:
Request to join our private Facebook Group for Writers—it’s like our virtual newsroom where you connect with editors and other writers about issues and ideas.
Click here to become a Premium Member of The Good Men Project Community. Have access to these benefits:
- Get access to an exclusive “Members Only” Group on Facebook
- Join our Social Interest Groups—weekly calls about topics of interest in today’s world
- View the website with no ads
- Get free access to classes, workshops, and exclusive events
- Be invited to an exclusive weekly “Call with the Publisher” with other Premium Members
- Commenting badge.
Are you stuck on what to write? Sign up for our Writing Prompts emails, you’ll get ideas directly from our editors every Monday and Thursday. If you already have a final draft, then click below to send your post through our submission system.
If you are already working with an editor at GMP, please be sure to name that person. If you are not currently working with a GMP editor, one will be assigned to you.
◊♦◊
Are you a first-time contributor to The Good Men Project? Submit here:
◊♦◊
Have you contributed before and have a Submittable account? Use our Quick Submit link here:
◊♦◊
Do you have previously published work that you would like to syndicate on The Good Men Project? Click here:
Join our exclusive weekly “Call with the Publisher” — where community members are encouraged to discuss the issues of the week, get story ideas, meet other members and get known for their ideas? To get the call-in information, either join as a member or wait until you get a post published with us. Here are some examples of what we talk about on the calls.
Want to learn practical skills about how to be a better Writer, Editor or Platform Builder? Want to be a Rising Star in Media? Want to learn how to Create Social Change? We have classes in all of those areas.
While you’re at it, get connected with our social media:
- To join our Facebook Page, go here.
- To sign up for our email newsletter, go here.
- To follow The Good Men Project on Twitter, go here.
◊♦◊
However, you engage with The Good Men Project—you can help lead this conversation about the changing roles of men in the 21st century. Join us!
◊♦◊
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock ID 627703277